In a post thank you note world, it’s sometimes hard to know how to be responsible. Of course, to be responsible we probably need to know what that word means. The Argonauts had the same problem. So let’s define the word responsible, shall we? (Argonauts, you have a dictionary, look yourselves up.)

First of all, the word responsible is an adjective, so that makes it automatically suspicious. Any word that only exists to complement another is living in the past. We don’t let our women make themselves subservient anymore, why should we let our words? But that’s an argument for another time.

Responsible is defined as “answerable or accountable,” “chargeable with being the author, cause, or occasion of something”, “having a capacity for moral decisions,” and “able to discharge obligations or pay debts.”

So, taking those definitions into consideration, Drink at Work has prepared a complete list of everything it takes to be responsible:

1. Answer your phone. In fact, answer any phone. If you’re sitting with a friend and their phone rings, answer it. If they try to answer it first, fight them for it. Never let anyone be more responsible than you. Similarly, if you happen to build a time machine and take it back to 8 years ago and go for a stroll in an urban environment and pass a payphone that’s ringing, you damn well make sure you’re the first person to answer it, no matter who you have to kill. You are responsible.

2. Become an accountant. Accountants are the most boring people on the planet, but you know what, everyone thinks of them as responsible. Now, if you’re well out of college and you don’t have the money to go back to school to get an accountancy equivalency degree, you still have options. Count everything all the time. Walk around counting the people you see. Count the number of times you hear the word falcon in a day. Count the number of dogs who should be put down you see at the park. And remember to be obvious about it. Bend forward, extend your index finger and point at each thing you’re counting as if to say, “Gotcha, number 236!” When people see you counting, they’ll assume you’re an accountant and therefore think of you as responsible.

3. Confess to a crime. Hit and run accidents, jewel thievery, money laundering, insider trading, cat burglaring, pyramid scheming: all of these crimes are happening right now and no one is taking credit for them. And you can confess to things that aren’t crimes, too: unclaimed farts, eating the last taco, leaving the screen door open so that flies and bears can get in. If there is an opportunity to say, “I am responsible,” and have it really mean something to the listener, this is it. The parents of the deceased will thank you.

4. Make as many moral decisions as you can. Consider moral decisions an all-you-can-eat buffet. The more you make, the bigger the return on your responsible dollar. With a little ingenuity, anything can be a moral decision. Perhaps vanilla ice cream reminds you of the Hutus and strawberry ice cream reminds you of the Tutsis. Which do you choose? Sounds like a moral decision to me. Do you take the bus or the train to work? Well, that depends on whether or not you really want to deny the Holocaust. See? Now we’re really being responsible!

5. Pay your debts. This seems like the hardest part of being responsible, but really it’s the easiest. All you have to do is plan ahead. Look at your budget, see what you can afford. Then, anything you can’t afford, register in someone else’s name using their credit card that you previously borrowed. Then, technically, the bills aren’t yours, so you aren’t RESPONSIBLE for paying them.

And there you have it. Everything you need to know to be a responsible member of today’s world. Remember, responsible is a state of being. If you are being responsible, you’re not being anything else. It’s just like when the sculptor Rodin said that he chose a block of marble and chopped off whatever he didn’t need. So look at yourself, see what you don’t need to be responsible, and chop it off. Keep a large plastic tarp nearby. Responsible people always have large plastic tarps.

One Response to “Responsibili-TIPS”

1. Jerry Polner says:

   July 5, 2011 at 10:00 pm

   As an accountant, I can’t take responsibility for being so boring. On the positive side, someone noticed me!