By the Six Moons of Telarbuus, I vow to avenge the devouring of this Open Faced Reuben with the blood of a hundred million self-aware cats!

I swear by the Throne of the Elodian Sword, I will savor the next Rancho Black Bean Salsa Panini I order or verily the lands of mine own seventh son’s seventh son shall be forever awash in hate-juice!

Lo, quickly and in the deep black of midnight was my Portobello Steak on a Whole Wheat Bun taken from me, and thus also in this manner shall I visit my just wrath upon those who stole it…Todd from the copy room, I’m talking to you.

#8 With Relish…I will wed you before Winter’s Moon or spend the rest of my pitiful life drawing caricatures of prominent European fiscal analysts!

Thanksgiving Every Day Wrap, you shall know the twin titans of Woe and Loss this day for I swear by my lunch break’s end….you shall consist of naught else but a toothpick with crinkly red cellophane atop and half of the side pickle that comes with you.

Ann Taylor’s NOTHING BUT SKULLS COLLECTION is for sale today! Buy now before you’re dead and your skull is put on top of a large pile of other, less upscale skulls.

Meet Charlie Sheen’s life coach. She eats Fancy Feast cat food and is a cafeteria worker in a prison. Deal with it. Winning!

Yes, I also feel that my pairing of “Shedding for the Wedding” and “America’s Next Great Restaurant” was an inspired choice. Inspired by spite probably but still, inspired. And isn’t that all the really matters, hmmmmmm?

Up top so it can crush you into viewing submission is ‘Shedding,’ followed by…

…’AMNG’ so you can order up a bowl of evaporated dreams for dessert. Bon appetit!*

*Translates to “reality television is a cancer in our society but enjoy your meal.”

I’m sorry man, but the wildly popular Magnetic Poetry Kit just got wilder – with bayonets! This bitchin’ new version of America’s favorite refrigerator door pastime features every crazy word and phrase from actor Charlie Sheen’s lunatic rants!

[More after the jump]