I honor my least favorite holiday (Saint Patrick’s Day) with my least favorite song (Friday).

“Patty’s Day” (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

Spoiler alert: This show was not based on the Atari video game from 1976!

But what if it had been…

Hey, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Sheen’s hair. I’ve been in the news a LOT recently, as you well know. I’ve remained silent out of respect for what Charlie’s been going through, and because I’m hair. But I feel like it’s time to have my say.

I don’t think I’m bragging when I say I’m one of the main reasons Charlie even has a career in this business. From my James-Deanish coif in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to my iconic slicked-back power ‘do in Wall Street to the 90s man-bangs that ushered in the Two and a Half Men era. I’ve been there through all of it.

Lately, though, I’ve been looking like hell. You know it, I know it. Charlie might know it, but probably not. I don’t know what’s going on with me; I’m long, I’m short, I’m thin, I’m frayed at the edges. I swear one time I saw myself on Access Hollywood and I looked just like Chrissie Hynde’s bouffant in the video for Brass In Pocket! Am I full wig at this point? A weave? Extensions? A piece? I’m not really sure myself, to be honest. The past few weeks have been so stressful, what with “you-know-who’s” drug-addled rants and everything, that I don’t even know how to lay on his head properly anymore. I’m all stringy, wild and ratty, like something you’d buy at Party City for a mad scientist or caveman costume. And I’d be lying if I said I was even slightly appropriate for a man of Mr. Sheen’s age. And a center part? In 2011? Come on.

Well, I’ve said my “piece,” as it were. I just didn’t want you all to think I wasn’t aware of how I’ve been looking lately. Pray whatshisname gets help and soon, otherwise I’m afraid a head-shaving is his next move.