CHICAGO — To celebrate her 56th birthday on her show this past Friday, Oprah gave herself two Springer Spaniel puppies, Sunny and Lauren. But once the cameras stopped rolling, she unveiled her REAL gift: A 20′ tall solid-gold robot crafted in her own image. The 24-karat-automaton, dubbed OPRAHBOT, stunned an enraptured studio audience by yelling HAPPY BIRTHDAAAYYYYY! in a booming digital reproduction of Winfrey’s voice. It then crushed a television camera in one of its claws as a demonstration of its physical power, as well as the metaphorical power Oprah holds over the medium.

The Oprahbot is powered by an endlessly renewable source of clean energy: the adoration of suburban white ladies. While its purpose remains unclear, a spokesperson for Oprah said all will be revealed “soon.”