Attention social media: STOP NAMING THE WEATHER.

- End Rantsmission™

CHICAGO — To celebrate her 56th birthday on her show this past Friday, Oprah gave herself two Springer Spaniel puppies, Sunny and Lauren. But once the cameras stopped rolling, she unveiled her REAL gift: A 20′ tall solid-gold robot crafted in her own image. The 24-karat-automaton, dubbed OPRAHBOT, stunned an enraptured studio audience by yelling HAPPY BIRTHDAAAYYYYY! in a booming digital reproduction of Winfrey’s voice. It then crushed a television camera in one of its claws as a demonstration of its physical power, as well as the metaphorical power Oprah holds over the medium.

The Oprahbot is powered by an endlessly renewable source of clean energy: the adoration of suburban white ladies. While its purpose remains unclear, a spokesperson for Oprah said all will be revealed “soon.”

Fresh off the pin point demographic success of Good Friends cereal, which as we all know appealed only to near-to-best friends who wanted to eat breakfast together while smiling the entire time, Kashi has announced an even more ambitiously selective line of cereals this year, kicking it off with Old Deaf Asian Man cereal, produced specifically for people who miss trying to communicate with hard of hearing-to-deaf elderly Asian men in their lives who may have passed on. It will apparently fill that behavioral void as well as your stomach! I’ll let the packaging speak for itself.

Guy next to me, on phone:

“My name or your name? My name? AND MY last name? Too many questions. I’ll call you back.”