MILLER MILESTONES – 2006 EDITION

Dear Friend or Loved One,

You’re probably wondering “what the heck happened” to the Miller clan the past few years. We know you look forward to hearing from us during the Holiday Season to get “caught up” on all our achievements and wacky adventures! (ha ha) Well, get ready for some serious updating, and tell that Green-Eyed Monster to skedaddle for a while!!!!

We’ll start, as always, with the kids. Don’t the little ones grow up so fast these days? I think it has a lot to do with all this MySpace whatchamacallit. Honestly, how a young girl like our Katherine can have over 6,000 “friends” is beyond me! We all know our little angel is by far the most popular and pretty girl in our extended family, but even so! Of course I watch her like a hawk — because I’m an excellent Mom and her best friend — but she promises me she never goes out alone. She’s always accompanied by her new “partner in crime,” a young lady named Crystal Meth. Such a pretty, old-fashioned name!! Those two are darn near inseparable lately, even though I have yet to meet Crystal face-to-face. Katherine is always going on weekend sleepovers at the Meth’s, so at least I know she’s safe.  Whew — guess that means I can dial down the old “Worry Meter” a little!!!!

It’s not easy being a parent nowadays… but my wonderful kids make the job a lot easier. I know that’s not always the case.

Evan is still our #1 “Sports Hero.” I’m proud to report that all charges were finally dropped against his soccer team. That hussy who created such a scandal with her baseless accusations finally agreed to settle out of court. And to be honest, I’m still not convinced that someone as “shrewd” as she is could even really have Down Syndrome, or whatever it’s called. In court she seemed more like a giant, confused baby than the scheming tramp I know her to be. Let’s not kid ourselves; a REAL retard could never manage to craft such a complicated (and expensive) list of demands. Seems like everyone has their hand out these days. Although, by the looks of it, her hand is usually demanding french fries. From a cage, that is! Like in the zoo!!!!!

The good news continues! After a long bout of joblesseness, Bob has entered the world of international high finance!! He was recently contacted by a high-ranking government official… from Nigeria, of all places! I didn’t know this, but there’s been a lot of turmoil there lately, and in order to keep Nigeria’s vast wealth out of the hands of fanatic terrorists, certain trustworthy Americans have been asked to temporarily hold monies in their personal bank accounts. As a “thank you”, the Nigerians will give Bob a portion of the money as a fee. It sounds too good to be true, but Bob assured me it was on the level.  As we speak, our account number is being sent to these noble, freedom-loving people.  Any day now the transaction will be completed, and we’ll be “in the money” and fighting the war on terror at the same time. I’m glad we live in God Bless America!!!!!!!!!

Bob’s health is also looking up these days.  As many of you know, the biggest downside of his years of unemployment was the weight gain. He’d gotten so big that my son and his teammates had to use straps we got from a piano mover to turn Bob over just so I could clean him.  At least I finally found my engagement ring, which had been lodged in a fold of hubby’s left buttock. It must have slipped off when I was applying ointment to the necrotic tissue on his inner thighs. (Hey, Reverend, how about some “Better” to go with all this “Worse!” Ha Ha.) Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that his recent gastric bypass surgery “sticks.” I sure as heck don’t need the next Carnie Wilson on my hands! (Lucky for us he’s going to be rich soon… those operations to trim away all his yards of extra skin don’t come cheap … WINK!)

As for me, I’ve been scrapbooking more than ever!!! I just finished a new scrapbook that was all about my first time making a scrapbook, which itself was about the class I took in scrapbooking. The scrapbook I made in class was about high school… still the best years of my life. And now I have a lovely handmade scrapbook to relive those days whenever I want. I’m just so darn grateful for everything I have. I truly am. Although if I could go back in time, I might do a few things differently. Wow, I just drifted off for a moment. Must be all the holiday hoo-ha finally catching up with me!!!!!!!!

So, until next year, here’s hoping you’re all healthy, happy and truly blessed, just like the Miller Clan!