In a stunning upset for rational discourse and any hope for a return to the progressive work that made this nation great (see: Abolition, Civil Rights, Economic Equality, Rivers That Don’t Catch Fire, etc.), That Insane Woman from the last election has announced that she will indeed make a run to embarrass our nation “more permanently and more bigger.”

“In the last election, I barely had enough time to present to the world my own personal brand of  intellectual laziness, bigotry, and incompetence that I believe will ruin our good name once and for all among the other nations of the world, which I can only name three of anyway so who needs the rest. This time, I will not let my handlers make that same mistake.” offered That Insane Woman.

She elaborated more fully at a rally later in the day, “I promise to take our country so far backwards that the technology found in the Flintstone cartoons will seem like the distant dream of some crazy science fiction writer. Why do we even have people writing about things that never even happened anyway? Right? The only book I need, yes, you know which one I mean, the Bible from God. That’s the one.” An applause break from the 20,000 totally deranged self-described “Freedom Patriots” forced Woman to pause for a full minute as they lauded her ideas which would later result in almost every one of them losing their homes and jobs, some for the second time. She continued, “Can we get there though, you’re wondering? You betchya we can…if you elect me as your Premier or Czar or whatever it is we have–I don’t know cause I’m an outsider–” Again, another applause break. “–And we get back to the basics this country’s debt was founded on, the One China principle. I don’t know about you, but I’m no racist so I have no problem borrowing money from our Chinese friends, do you?”

A 10 minute applause break followed.

Asked about her more specific plans for the nation, Woman told an anecdote:

“I saw a little boy on a beach where thousands of starfish had washed up during the BP Gulf oil release. He was running around throwing them back in one at a time. I told him that no matter how hard he tried, there were just too many and he couldn’t make a difference. The boy then picked up a starfish and threw it back in the water. He said to me, ‘To that one, I made a difference.’ And then I forced the boy to pay for that oil that was covering the starfish. Because, I told him, that oil wasn’t yours and this is America and we pay for what we take!”

Even as thunderous applause followed from the tens of thousands there no longer able to tell the difference between good and evil, the rest of the world began calculating which portion they would each be able to fill of the void caused by our soon-to-be permanently crashed economy and spiraling intellectual bankruptcy.

This story is part of the “WHEN IN (THE FALL OF) ROME…” series. Check back regularly for updates.