From now on, celebrity shit fits will be measured on the “Sheen Scale”. (1) being moderate, (2 1/2) being batshit.

Autumn. What a great time of year in almost every corner of the country, except maybe Southern California, where they lack seasons. And souls. The Fall season is especially Utopian if you happen to reside in the Northeast. I’m lookin’ at you, NYC.

With every great reward, however, comes an equal and horrible punishment (I grew up Catholic). If you’re anything like me, that punishment is the coming hammer of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. The impending lack of sunlight and certain doom of Winter can overwhelm even the strongest of cynics.

Fortunately, Drink at Work Labs™ has been hard at work developing new and revolutionary pharmaceuticals, so without further explanation, here are five of our latest SAD medications. Pending FDA approval, of course.

You’re welcome.

What’s more terrifying than vampires, werewolves, and mummies? How about a world without progressives? How about a return to the Gilded Age, to a world that serial killer-inspired Ayn Rand would celebrate? That can happen if enough regular people vote against their own interests and with the interests of giant corporations and billionaire-backed movements like the Tea Party, anti-health care reform groups, and anti-green jobs organizations. So celebrate Halloween in any costume you like, but if you don’t vote for a progressive (or at least the closest thing to) on November 2, the real monsters will be roaming the streets of D.C. not just for a night but for a whole term.

FIGHT THE MONSTERS: VOTE PROGRESSIVE

NIGHTMARE ON MEAT STREET – Scare your friends vegan with this classic conservative values-inspired costume! Not seen very often since THE JUNGLE by Upton Sinclair came out. If you were indoctrinated into the cult of modern conservatism in the last 20 years, you probably skipped the FDA-inspiring classic about the terrible labor conditions and even more atrocious quality of the meat being processed in plants across America at the turn of the last century and instead took in a Heritage Foundation-funded “fair and balanced” pamphlet about how letting the weak get their fingers chopped off by factory equipment contributes to the economy by increasing demand in the medical sector. Damn that big, bad government that keeps poor, innocent meat moguls from regulating their own industries! Don’t worry though, because very soon we may all get a free one way trip back to the jungle! Did I say free? I meant it would cost a few thousand lives a year. And what’s that, barely a war’s worth. EASY!

As you may or may not now, Drink At Work head writer Sean Crespo is dying. At least that’s what it seems like, based on the tone of his recent girlish emails. Being a really good person, I got him a get well card to lift his diseased spirits. The funny thing is, it’s a very cool vintage card from a long time ago, yet it was weirdly appropriate! Continue reading to see the card…

Or more specifically, A Quick Moment With Carol’s Hometown, Circa 1978 Plus YouTube Comments That Would Be More At Home in 1978, or Better Yet 1958.

More after the jump.