Halloween’s coming up! It’s a fun time for kids of all ages… unless you’re one of those nuts who thinks dressing like a duck and eating candy will somehow open a Hellmouth on your cul-de-sac. Or if you’re a hipster who’s become so paralyzed by the thought of coming up with a costume that’s obscure/meta/arcane enough to impress your friends that you jump off one of Brooklyn’s lesser-known bridges.

For the rest of us, Halloween is a chance to become whomever or whatever strikes your fancy. But what if you don’t WANT to dress like a sexy toll collector or a sexy welfare caseworker? And what if you’re not made of money? And what if you happen to live in Anthony’s building?

The answer is simple: go as one of Anthony’s neighbors without breaking the bank!

I'm human garbage! Boo!

1. Phyllis The Crazy Cat Lady Who’s Also A Hoarder

To trick-or-treat as Phyllis, you need a few key pieces to re-create her look. First, a ratty housecoat that you wear ALL DAY. Then, stringy gray hair that looks like it was styled with a pack of firecrackers. If your hair is normal, root around in the garbage for a wig, then take a piss on it. Finally, get yourself some tin-foil pans of cat food and hide them all around the neighborhood because you’re a co-dependent psycho who thinks she’s doing good when in reality she’s making everything in the world just a little but worse.

2. Eddie, the Schizophrenic With OCD

This costume is REALLY specific because Eddie lives right next door to me! Dressing as Eddie for Halloween is as much about the performance as the outfit. See, Eddie is a paranoid schizophrenic who often “forgets” to take his meds! And that means you have to be able to rant for hours in a very loud, VERY high-pitched voice about anything and everything! It would also help if you stocked your filthy apartment with 8 cats so the whole hallway stinks like a dumpster in summertime. Other key pieces to this look include dirty glasses, greasy hair and slippers. Oh, make sure to lick your index finger and touch the lock on your door 7 times every time you exit and enter your hovel!

3. Paranoid Guy Whose Name I Always Forget

PGWNIAF thinks everyone in the building is out to get him. I always seem to bump into him in the laundry room. To go as him, you must say hello then launch into some rant about how you couldn’t get served at a local bar because you’re “not in the clique” or how a small scratch on your arm might be part of a plot to shut you up because “the powers that be who run this building” were getting worried that you’re “naming names.” You can also pretend to look up at the lunar eclipse that happened a few years ago and state: “That’s not such a big deal. Most of the science fiction shows I watch, they have two moons. Sometimes, you can’t go wrong with two moons.” Other items essential to dressing like Paranoid Guy Whose Name I Always Forget include a CD Walkman and a small gym bag that you must never not carry.

So you see, you can have fun this Halloween without spending too much money. It just takes a little imagination and a willingness to have nobody but me recognize who you are. Happy Halloween, everyone!