Ever since David and Bathsheba, the world has had a love affair with “the other woman,” devouring every article, tabloid, morning show and tell-all novella she touches. But if that other woman is a high-priced escort, a former Playboy model, and her grasp of English can best be described as, “not almost entirely so good,” we want to curl up with her every night as we drift off into the sort of sublime, spent sleep reserved for those few, those happy few, who have experienced true, perfect schadenfreude.

And Loredana “Jolie” Ferriolo is just such an other woman. Next month, her new Tiger Woods tell-all book — dubbed a tell-all because it will include every single thought Jolie has managed to cobble together in her entire life — will be released and it promises to reveal all sorts of sordid, juicy details that we kind of already knew but so wanted to read again while sitting on the toilet. Critics are already hailing the book as “a rhetorical juggernaut,” “a linguistic adventure on par with Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange,” and “a nightmare of syntax that will stay with you for days…wow, Tiger, what a sex nut!”

Drink at Work has obtained some exclusive excerpts from the book, and if you thought, “I was like on the seventh cloud especially from a sexual perspective,” was good…hold on to your eyeballs.

On anatomy:

When we were in where we thought it was time for me to play with testicles in pleasure format, I examined that there were one, two, actually three testicles…and I was enjoyment of it because I like more things.

On marriage:

The wife was a woman, like from times where women like this, and she was not friendly to her husband with her pleasure, so he had to be quite natural in looking for strange at any time when she went to groceries store.

On regrets:

If I knew what I knew now I would have explored something like rim occupation sort of ideas because he liked to be made hot by things.

On pleasure:

Tiger was endowed like a number one king of Captain Americas and when he was on the inside of my woman tank it was as many eels in a sock. So good with fun.

On the direction America has taken:

All Tiger’s base are belong to ass. And this was certain, we always talk that way.

On fantasies:

I ask do you like to saw people in half and he seemed to be made turn on by this. Not that he wanted to try it, but it was in his head and then his endowment became measured.

On the way forward:

I believe people to want their own Tiger and for this I can learn them. It is Tiger inside you that counts and if you know him he can maybe be there. And that can become a better world for most.

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