I am sick of TV. There are, like, NO good shows on anymore! That’s why I’ve decided to start pitching program ideas to the network brasses. Here’s the first batch I came up with… and not to brag, but this stuff is pretty fucking amazing.

“Alimony & Bedsores”
He’s a high-powered divorce attorney. She’s a home healthcare worker. Add a fiesty mother-in-law and a St. Bernard and you’ve got the season’s hottest new comedy with a message! Starring Greg Evigan and Queen Latifah.

“Hookerville”
What’s worse than traveling back in time, only to find out your beloved great-grandmother was actually a filthy whore? How about having to pretend you’re the only doctor who can treat her late-stage syphillis! Danny Aiello stars.

“The Misadventures of Shari Lewis”
Switcheroo! Shari Lewis is back, in a way. This time around SHE’S the puppet, and Lamb Chop is an actual lamb, only with Shari’s brain. They will solve mysteries while addressing racism.

“Timothy’s Meadow”
A tender family drama which centers around Timothy, a recently widowed young father who moves his brood to rural Idaho to try and make sense of it all. Starring Al Sharpton as Timothy and Ivana Trump as the ghost of his dead wife.

“Crime after Crime”
What do you get when you pair up the city’s hottest jewel thief with that same city’s hottest maverick detective? The city’s hottest doomed romance, that’s what. With Gretchen Mol as the thief and Reginald Veljohnson as obviously the detective.

“Wide World of Sporks”
Whether you call them spoons with forky-points, or forks that can hold soup, sporks are here to stay. And anyone who thinks they’re only in America should just wake up. Hosted by the guy who was in that show that’s right on the tip of your tongue, if everyone would just shut up for one second and let you concentrate.

“You’ve Got To Be Kidding, Mee!”
Laughter meets human rights when a rich old man buys a whole bunch of Chinese baby girls off the Internet. Viewers might recognize one of the girls as former child star Hallie Kate Eisenberg, who has undergone extensive plastic surgery to look Chinese, and like a baby. Fran Tarkenton plays the rich old man, Sylvester P. Kidding III.

“ShAkIn iT uP!”
Tuesday nights will be “blowin’ up” when late-stage Parkinson’s patient Ned Beatty finagles a job at the local nitroglycerin manufacturing concern. Also starring Charlene Tilton as Stumpy.

“Denture Time”
Look out, world of Reality TV—you’re about to be knocked on your ass! Cameras hidden in the bathrooms of the rich and famous reveal Hollywood’s hottest celebrities taking out their false teeth and giving themselves that “where did it all go wrong” look in the mirror. Dean Cain hosts.

“Mongo in the Middle”
Severely retarded Mongo tries to get his feuding parents back together. There’s only one problem: because he can’t speak and is confined to a motorized wheelchair, Mongo’s parents are completely unaware of his efforts. Starring Ralph Macchio and Joyce DeWitt as the parents and RuPaul as Mongo.