To: ALL EMPLOYEES
Priority: URGENT
Subject: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FAVORITE COFFEE MUG?!?!?!
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Attention Assholes:
First, allow me to thank you all for reducing me to typing profanity in a company-wide email. It really makes me feel GREAT to see my years of professionalism slide down the fucking toilet like some fucking corn-studded turds. I’m gonna make this quick, because I’m so fucking angry I’m about to pass fucking out. I repeat:

WHERE IS MY COFFEE MUG, YOU FUCKING ASS-DEMON COCKFACES!!!!

Stop whatever the fuck you’re doing, and fucking answer me. And don’t EVEN pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen your crusty little shitbag eyes staring at my coffee mug in the status meeting. You all practically drool like those fucking retards at the mall who won’t get their stupid gay wheelchairs out of my way when I’m trying to get into Brookstone to buy a new Shiatsu fucking foot massager that my moron wife broke even after I told her not to fucking touch it!

But, to continue this bull-dick farce, I’ll describe the mug, even though you all know goddamn well what it fucking looks like.

1. It’s brushed stainless steel with a black handle.

2. It has a picture of Mickey Mouse in an office setting. He’s holding a pencil in one hand and he’s on a cordless phone. He’s looking up and to the left like he’s having a conversation with some asshole he works with.

3. There’s a fucking computer on his desk and the papers in his inbox are piling up. He’s wearing a fucking necktie.

4. Under his feet it says (like you all don’t fucking know):
“C.E.O.”
Creative • Energetic • Optimistic

If the fucking mug isn’t on my desk CLEAN by end of business today, I will burn this fucking office down with all of you in it. I will then return after the fire is out to take a big Chinese Food shit on your ashes.

Please reply to me only.

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