Tuck your napkins into your collars and get ready for the all you can eat buffet, America, cause Glenn Beck has got some tasty dishes served cold ready for you.

That’s right, the original king of pain has launched a new Web site called The Blaze, and he and his intrepid team of people who have been fired from all their previous jobs hope that it will serve as an antidote to liberally-slanted news outlets like Huffington Post, Mother Jones, Raw Story, MSNBC, NPR, CNN, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Chicago Sun Times, Roger Ebert’s Blog, the AP, FoxNews and The New York Post.

And it’s off to a great start. First of all, from moment one, The Blaze doesn’t shy away from re-envisioning the whole concept of news, bastardized as we all know it is. To wit, today’s top story:

Everyone knows the first rule of journalism is, Make the headline nearly incomprehensible. But from there on, Beck and his band of brothers start writing their own rules:

Rule #2 of Journalism: Oxymoron’s are your friend
The phrase “Explicit Poetry” kicks this article off with a nice, big “WTF?” in the reader’s mind. I think it’s been a good century since anyone found any kind of poetry provocative or explicit, even if it does have the word cock in it. The very nature of a poem is to bore. You can throw all the tits and ass and taint in it you want and you’d still put seventh graders to sleep. Trust me. I know poetry. I’ve written poetry. Poetry is like a Methodist Church luncheon for words.

Rule #3 of Journalism: Fuck the third person
You know what news is missing: you and me. Us. U. S. As in the United States of Goddamn First Person Perfect America. How does the average reader…no, wait…how the fuck do YOU know what you’re reading applies to you if the author never says YOU. YOU don’t. Glenn Beck knows this. That’s why when you click through to the article, it kicks the headline up a notch to, “UCSD PROFESSORS WANT TO DISSOLVE US…” Sure, it means U.S., but you know what it really means: these professors are like the Mars Attacks martians and they’ve got those guns that will literally, physically dissolve the shit out of you and your grandmother and the military.

Rule #4 of Journalism: Fuck Writing. What Are We? A Bunch Liberal Muslim Jews from Back East, Fuck No!
Just when you think you’re about to be forced to sink your eyes into more than 140 characters, Beck et al flip ya’ for real, by having the entire content of the story be presented via a video created by another blog. Stringers are for pussies. Pussies are for writers. And writers are for Socialism.

Rule #5 of Journalism: If You Saw Him on Campus, He’s a Professor
The report presents us with two professors at UCSD, Micha Cardenas, who is actually not a professor but an artist and lecturer, and Ricardo Dominguez, an honest-to-God professor with tenure. Both Cardenas and Dominguez are members of a cyber activist/performance art group called Electronic Disturbance Theater, which, roughly translated, means Gay Mexicans With Wi-Fi. They create digital protests of things like transparency in academia, rising tuition fees, and immigration laws. The fact that EDT is a small, niche group whose main goal is to shock and bring awareness, not to physically dissolve the entire country especially your family, church and football team is beside the point. The point is, at least one of them is Hispanic, and the other one is transgendered (and maybe Hispanic) and fond of wearing pro-ground zero mosque scarves. You know what THOSE facts add up to? All professors at all universities are teaching your children that America is bad, Mexico is good, and the mosque should stay and ground zero should go. #mad

Rule #6 of Journalism: Spelling is for Fuckbags

Rule #7 of Journalism: All Money Spent on Shit We Don’t Like is Taxpayer Money
Following the logic in the clip we see, Professor Dominguez gets paid by the university, and the university receives taxpayer money. So then, when Dominguez goes out and spends his money, say, to build a prototype phone that hypothetical illegal immigrants could hypothetically use when crossing the border to find hypothetical water so they don’t die as part of an art project…he just spent taxpayer money to take away your job and give it to the Frito Bandito. No me gusta eso y ¿sabe usted dónde está la biblioteca?

Rule #8 of Journalism: If You’ve Got a Pansy Spouting Poetry, for God’s Sake, Roll the Clip!
Slightly revising my previous statement, and incidentally the last rule of journalism is, Changing Facts Midway Through the Story is Our God-Given American Right, there’s nothing that pisses people off more than poetry. And if it’s being read by a confusingly-gendered person, so much the better! The whole point of journalism is to gin up the populace. Why do you think the phrase “gin up” was invented? Real journalists are always drunk and angry and it’s their job to make the reader/viewer feel the same way. If you’re not mad at the end of a news story, that journalist hasn’t done his or her job. At the end of the day, presenting a good news story is like getting married. You’ve got to have something old, something new, something borrowed, something that shows how gays and Mexicans want to take everything away from you.

So this journalist says, “Bravo, Glenn Beck!” The Blaze has already blazed a path into my heart and infected my mind like so much meningitis. If only I were hydrocephalitic so I could fit more of your good news into my already crowded brain.

One Response to “ThoughtWreck™”

1. jacquetta says:

   September 2, 2010 at 11:24 am

   I find the fact that these rednecks learned to use writing implements and technology to be scary. I guess the schools are not as bad a we thought. The combination of a misinformed public and a misinformed journalism staff is mind-boggling. But I don have to say angry white folks looking for their moved cheese sho’ is funny.