Science. What is it even? Certainly it’s a word. But maybe… is it a feeling? Could it be a friend? Whatever it is, we know that it has lifted mankind out of the shower of piss that is the weathering of our souls forced on us by nature…and weather. So today’s ECO TIP is a salute to science itself!

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Remember when you were little and you’d look up at the stars and think, “OH MY GOSH, LOOK AT THOSE TINY PINPRICKS IN THE BLACK CURTAIN OF FOREVER. SOMEONE IS TRYING TO POP THE UNIVERSE! MOMMY WE’RE GOING TO GET SUCKED INTO THE NOTHING OF THE SKY AND EXIST IN A TIMELESS HORROR!” Remember that? Well, thanks to science we know that those pin pricks are actually star pricks, not holes. (NOTE: Although when some stars collapse they do form holes from which nothing can escape, not even children.)

Whatever it is you said as you looked to the sky in fear and wonder but mostly fear, I want to help you recapture those feelings (which are mostly fear). So today we’ll take a look at some of science’s greatest hits.

1. THE CAMERA CAT

Do you remember what things were like before the camera cat came about? Every time you wanted to get a cat and a camera you had to do it separately. Everyone would have to drive ALL THE WAY to the pet store to rent a cat for the day, fill out all that annoying “Why are you trying to rent a cat? we don’t really rent cats” — “ok I’ll just buy the damn thing” paper work. Then you’d have to fly all the way to Japan to get the cameras you needed. Ugh. NIGHTMARE. But thanks once again to, tada, science, two steps have been made into one. I guess we should also thank math. The bes part is, Camera Cats, as you all know since you have one or five probably, don’t eat traditional food. They feast on sumptuous visuals, not victuals. A few good zooms in on a bird on a windowsill or some snapshots of yarn, and they’re all set! And since they breed like the Dutch at a tulip fair, there’s no need to worry about a supply ever running out. Hey…let’s give it up for science.

2. THE JEWISH WEATHER MACHINE

Say what you will about conspiracy theories…but when those crackpot racists discovered there really was a Jewish Weather Machine what controlled the weather, I for one was relieved. All those bedtime tracts that my father Clay Rayborn Pureblood had read to me from his Time-Life zionist theories collection weren’t all crazy! But then it turned out the Jews had never used the machine, not once, as a test of their faith that god would provide for them! So in a way we were all correct! But then, but then, but then…hey…remember… it got really hot so the Jews agreed to let parts of Africa get water once in a while and New England got fall back for a couple years. But now it’s out of date and doesn’t have enough power to compete with the machine that controls both weather and terrorist attacks that those people who have abortions and who have gay sex made.

The point is…from whatever side of the political aisle you sit on, the Jewish Weather Machine sure “blew” things up a bit. Har.

What?

3. MEAT THAT CAN’T FEEL

I stopped eating meat for almost 2 weeks in 1989 when I found out how badly the animals that that meat was borrowed from were being treated. Luckily for us, science stepped up and made making that pre-meat’s “life” more enjoyable (or less unenjoyable) a real priority. Thus, almost nerveless, permanently sleepy cows were bred and are now the staple source of America’s choicest meats. As you know these cows live their entire lives lying down since their motor neuro-musculature was altered so that movement induced a state of torpor akin to that felt by humans after they ate a cow.

Then the cows are brainwashed into eating only when they’re fully asleep, ensuring the fewest calories are burned and thus needed to sustain their wonderful, life-friendly lifestyles.

Then they are hit with ten hammers and a tree saw splits them right in half starting at the eyes. Then, since inevitably due to the elevated levels of coagulants in the cows’ blood* some of them are still alive, a team of pain technicians “turn on” the cows’ pain receptors so that the cows get to feel at least one thing before they die. Pretty classy act, that Lady Science is, huh?

Now can you imagine a world without these three scientific innovations? I sure do not can’t.

Next week: Do trees pee?

* The coagulants are injected into the cows at birth. By whom? By science thank you so much. Science did that so that science could find out how long cows can live after being cut in half if they had a lot of coagulants in their blood. Relax, it’s science.