Type in SAD, then select IMAGE, and this is the first one that pops up. Google, you earned your ten batrillion euro yen dollars with this one. Just looking at this lonely silhouette of a man makes me question every success or victory I’ve ever been a part of. I think one of my hockey trophy’s from when I was 10 just dissolved on its own. Holy shit, sad guy. We get it. You’re alone on a cloudy day by a bare tree. You’re probably thinking sad thoughts and remembering sad memories while wondering about your sad future. That lake your sitting by probably is half made up of your tears by now. YOU’RE SAD. We know.

But don’t worry. We’ll police the sharp objects in the efficiency you’re renting from the old couple who run the flea market “just for a little while until Cassandra realizes that new man of hers isn’t worth breaking up” your marriage for.

Oh Cassandra. She was something wasn’t she? Oh sorry! Ach. Shouldn’t have brought her up. Our bad. What? Oh, she’s fine. We saw her yesterday at the squash festival in Barrington. Yes, sad man, she was with Russel. Yes. Uh huh. Yes, they seemed happy. Well he is a lumberjack and let’s face it, you’ve been lying in bed on workman’s comp for a disc you slipped a year ago when you were still the top sales rep at the Cotton Shop: Where We “Cotton” To Your Needs. And as you yourself admitted you were “draining the very life force from her with your constant neediness.”

Well, I’m just saying is all.

Alright, you know what, you’re not in the right place for this now. We’ll talk later. Ok?

Ok.

Hey, how about if we come over tomorrow and read you the Princess Bride?

No, I WANT to.

No, Russel is not invited, sad man.

Damnit, you make it so hard to care about you, sad man! Get away from that picturesque tree and lake and go DO something with your life. I can’t take you any more. I’m going to go read the Princess Bride to Russell! And thank you so much Google for bringing sad man into our lives!

(door slams)

(door opens up again quickly)

And by the way, Russell is also dating Google!

(door slams again)

(muffled from outside the door) Oh and I’m taking a shit in that lake so have fun swimming in tears and filth next time, you big ….

The rest is lost to the sound of endless waves gently, unstoppably crashing onto shore, the sound of irrevocable life moving forward whether or not you are ready, the sound of woe, the sound…of sadness.