Looking for a fancy new career change in this chilly economic climate? Love working from home and love the instant placation of the social discourse of the Internet? You may be the perfect candidate for a trendy career in Social Media!

These days, it all happens in cyberspace. News, music, pedophilia – All on the Internet. Like any new frontier, however, there needs to be a leader. Someone who can navigate us all through this brave new world of virtual shopping lists and nose bleed alerts. Not only does this leader need to be well versed in 140 character grammar-killing, they also need to be cool. And skinny.

Think you’ve got the chops? Here’s a few tips to send you on your way to unjustified riches!

1. Start Tweeting. On Twitter.

You have something to say. As a matter of fact, everything you now say and do is extremely important to everyone. No mundane thought or action can go unTweeted. Tweet your lunch, tweet your to-do list and tweet your thoughts on toast! Nothing is sacred! Some of the greatest in Social Media Tweet from the toilet! With pics! This is imperative to your gathering the tens of thousands of followers you’ll need to secure a six figure income, from a company that is never clear on what particular product they sell. Once you hit the magic number of 10,000 followers on Twitter, stand aside. The job offers rolling in will knock you to the reclaimed pine floor of your Brooklyn loft.

2. Get on the 4Square train!

Just when you think you’ve tweeted all you can, there’s the magic of 4Square! Once a simple child’s game, 4Square is now a very important step up the Social Media Guru career ladder. With 4Square, all your Twitter followers now know your favorite coffee shop, bookstore, printer, potty and local fast food restaurant! And they know the second you enter any of them! 4Square also has the power to declare you MAYOR of such places! What power hath the Internet brought, right? A word of warning: Everything you now do is cool, so try not to be overwhelmed by the Retweets of your adoring followers. You are now an Internet celebrity.

3. Facebook is still a relavent tool. Use it.

If Twitter is the cool kids table, Facebook is the Teacher’s lounge. Certainly not as hip as 140 characters of near nonsensical proclamations, Facebook still provides several relevant parts to your quest for Social Media fame. Your “Status”, for example, is an important part of the Social Media Guru’s day. Just like on Twitter, a good guru knows to change his/her status at least 103 times in one day. Be sure to mix it up with an even level of levity and serious thought. Bonus points for linking relevant articles from Gizmodo and/or Gawker. Also: Name drop, name drop, name drop. Did you just attend a “how to write relevant puns in shorthand” seminar? Did you sit next to Justin Beiber’s handler? Yes you did. Post it. Post it hard.

4. Never enough retreats.

You’re striving for a job in Social Media, so you better learn to be social. No, we’re not saying that you actually have to speak to strangers in public. We know how expensive you pants are, and we know the risks involved in engaging a possible coffee spiller in person. We’re talking about retreats – A weekend getaway with like-minded would-be gurus at a hip locale, usually in the Pacific Northwest. These social gatherings are inside a safe and secure bubble of snark, ensuring a heavy dose of important conversation and no chance for conflict. We recommend attendance of at least 20 to 50 of these retreats per year. 100 if you’ve legally changed your name to your Twitter user name.

5. Book appearances!

This is it. You’re one step away from your dream of guru glory. You’ve gained the following of thousands of people you’ve never met and learned that your advice is indispensable to them. You know how important the Internet is. You know how serious 140 characters can be. It’s time to share your ideas and views about the importance of Social Networking with CEOs of companies you’ve never heard of. And even with your ignorant unfamiliarity, you know that clearly, they are all tools shackled to a paper world, without any idea of how the future works. It’s up to you to bring your skinny jeans, unwashed hair and unique brand snark into their sight line. They need you and they don’t even know why. They may even feel like they learned nothing from attending you seminar, but they will pay and they will pay in cash money, my important friend.

Congrats. You’re now a made up celebrity with unexplainable riches. Relevance can suck it.