Well, it’s Memorial Day here in New York and that can only mean one thing: Reubens. I know what you’re thinking… New York does have great Reubens, but what makes them so special on Memorial Day Weekend?

It’s the cartoonists, stupid!

I bet many of you don’t know this Fake Rockstar is a cartoonist. A SYNDICATED cartoonist with a real contract and everything. For reals. And as a card carrying member of the elite cartoonists society (Not the real National Cartoonists Society, they won’t have me), I am obligated each year to commiserate with fellow big wig cartoonists douchebags in New York City on how to properly construct a Reuben sandwich. Using ingredients found in each of our home states, we secretly meet in a closed banquet hall and hash our corned beef intentions.

Really? No.

Get real, dumbass. The Reubens are an award, like the Oscars, except you have to pay to go and you’ve probably never heard of the cartoonists or comics nominated. Also, they’re in New Jersey this year. You know New Jersey, that place where dreams go to be manufactured into tires and plastic.

So, in honor of my industry’s contrived award season, I’ve made a list of the things I expect to see, this being my first-ever attendance. Here we go…

1. Someone famous, like Charlie Brown or an X-man.

2. My editor, John Glynn in a jumpsuit, rapping about hot lettuce and Khakis.

3. Gary Trudeau’s yacht (It’s named “Duke paid for this”)

4. A justifiable victory for my friend Richard Thompson as Cartoonist of the Year, or space monkeys on heroin. Same difference.

5. Free whisky. (full disclosure: Already witnessed last night. tackling consequences as I type this)

6. Jennifer Connelly. She has nothing to do with cartoons and cartooning, but neither does Nathan Lane and yet, there he is every year, at the bar in a Speedo.

7. A “Draw fight”, where two cartoonists have an argument over who’s in more papers and because cartoonists are pussies, they draw at each other, instead of fight. Stupid, but so’s my job.

8. Me in a tuxedo. It will happen.

9. More free whiskey (ugh).

10. New Jersey, in my rear view mirror.

Good luck to all the nominees! I hope you drown in the Hudson! With victory! And death.

Wish me luck (I am not nominated),

Corey “FRS” Pandolph