Wednesday, May 26th 2010FAIL FAN FICTION Volume 1: Frodo and Hitchcock in The Case of the Missing Ring |
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An excerpt from “Frodo and Hitchcock in The Case of the Missing Ring”
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“Where ever could it be?” fretted Frodo Baggins as he rummaged through an old chest. He was about to begin the long trek to Mordor whereupon he would toss the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom, whence it was made, but with no ring to destroy, there could be no safety from Sauron and his minions. His gaze turned to a fruit bowl, inside of which was balanced a lemon on top of a thick apple. The shaded edge of these two fruits seemed to hint at the outline of the head and shoulders of a fat film director, stirring some memory of a long forgotten acquaintance. Suddenly…
“I know! I shall call upon my friend, the master of suspense, Alfred Hitchcock. If anyone can resolve a mystery, tis he.”
And so Frodo Baggins shut the door to Bag Hill for the penultimate time. Gandalf the Grey, Samwise, and all his other friends were out on horseback administering the hobbit census so none were available for this adventure and we won’t speak of them again.
Frodo made the long trek from the Shire to where he though Hitchcock might be, utterly ignoring entire legions of war elves from the great forest of Lothlorien, paying no heed to Tom Bombadil who appeared on the banks of the Withywindle River to sing him a song about berries or something like that, and once even walking obliviously by to the hate-shrieks of seven of the nine Ringwraiths (two were administering the orc census in Mordor and so were unavailable for this adventure and we won’t speak of them again).
Turning a crest or a ridge, or maybe it was a rise, Frodo found himself face to knee with the cast of Rear Window (Paramount, 1954). “Hello!” they all said all at once in unison together.
“Hey nonny nonny,” replied a bewildered Frodo, honored beyond telling to bear witness to the production of such a seminal work of cinema. Spotting his old friend Jimmy Stewart, Frodo was able to gather his courage again and approached to ask him if he had seen master of suspense, Alfred Hitchcock.
“Why why why, why of course I have, young fella!” exclaimed the always jovial Stewart who then called for some dancing music and then Frodo and he fell into the swimming pool that was concealed below their feet. Once they’d had a few laughs and dried off, Frodo explained his situation to Jimmy.
“Now now now, you’re telling me you’ve lost the One Ring! I, I, I…I don’t know what to tell you, young fella. Let’s ask master of suspense, Alfred Hitchcock.” And at that, Stewart flung aside a curtain Frodo hadn’t even noticed before. Stepping forth from the shadows with his great bulk was none other than gifted director and master of sus—
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHO WAS BEHIND THAT CURTAIN?
IF YOU WISH TO READ THE REST OF THIS FANTASTIC WORK OF FAN FICTION FOR ANSWERS TO THESE IMPOSSIBLE QUESTIONS, PLEASE DONATE A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY TO DRINK AT WORK EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR.
As a Hitchcock fan who’s okay with Tolkien, too, I laughed out loud! Looking forward to reading more of this zaniness!