Rhode Island Governor Makes Late Bid for Biggest Asshat in America Prize

Generally speaking, the best argument in favor of gay marriage is that it is, quite simply, a 14th Amendment issue. Gay people are deserving of equal protection under the law, i.e. the same rights as anyone else. A lot of socially-conservative people won't even argue that they don't want gay people to have mostly equal rights, they just don't like the marriage part. Now, that's not good enough for those of us on the other side of the argument, but at least there's room for discussion.

But here's a case of an elected official saying broadly, No, I don't think gay people should have equal rights. How seriously do I take that? I do not even want them to have the right to bury each other.

Seriously. Rhode Island Governor, Don Carcieri just vetoed legislation that would allow same sex couples the right to plan the funerals of their late partners.

By now, it should really be second-nature: don't do anything — especially in public — that would make you the villain in a Lifetime Original Movie.

Picture it:

Valerie Bertinelli is Rhode Island former housewife, Marvel, who has lived through a divorce, a brief addiction to painkillers and the housing market crash (she had been a real estate broker in her post-divorce second life...a good one). Now she's somehow stumbled on a third life, the best one yet, living in the extra, well-appointed room, over the garage of the charming colonial her gay oldest son and his partner have shared for the last 10 years. They are a modern family; it doesn't look like your family, but it works. Marvel has found a new job as a medical transcriptionist for a feisty health insurance co-op clinic, and in her spare time she cans fresh vegetables from the boys' modest, backyard organic garden.

But just when Marvel thinks she will live out the rest of her days in peace, eating spectacular omelets prepared in sparkling cookware, tragedy strikes. Travis, her son Jake's partner and dearest love, is struck down in his prime by a befuddled parking garage attendant (played in stunning old-man makeup by Bill Pullman) who was trying to move a Hummer out of three compact car parking spots. Travis is killed instantly.

And here's where things get bad. Travis has no other family than Jake and Marvel. His family disowned him years ago...not because he was gay, but because he refused to go into the family canning business, a cruel irony that Marvel learned too late. Jake attempts to retrieve his beloved's remains from the hospital, only to find Rhode Island governor Don Carcieri standing in the doorway of the hospital. He will he not allow Jake to bury Travis, because, in his words, "What's next? Will a man want to bury a dog?" But not only that, he proposes to send Travis' body back to Virginia, to be canned and buried next to his biological relatives.

The Golden Globe-winning moment comes when Marvel, tear-streaked but still fabulous, pronounces in front of a crowd of supporters who have gathered in the hospital parking lot, "You can can my son-in-law, but you can't can the fact that he is part of my family!" Joe Don Baker (Mitchell), in a star-returning turn as the pig-eyed Governor Carcieri, literally explodes with shame.

The End.

Remember, Governors: the media may forget, voters may forget, even God may forget. But the Lifetime network will NEVER forget. When you veto a citizen's right to BURY A LOVED ONE, you're not standing up for "natural marriage." You're winning the award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Pornographic Asshattery. Your certificate is in the mail.