Large Particle Collider finally set to launch

Scientists at the LARGE PARTICLE COLLIDER have announced that the 17 mile long, magnetically charged tube is ready to launch any sufficiently bulky objects down the accelerator, toward impact with one another.

Theoretical Geophysicists around the globe are especially interested to see the results of what the fuck happens when you fling two rocks at each other near the speed of light.

"It probably rules," said Professor Henri Calet, lead researcher at the renowned Ecole Destruction Massif in Paris, "But we must verify the theory as an experimental reality before we can come out with such bold announcements."

Rocks will be the first large particles sent hurtling toward one another, but certainly not the last. Day 2 of the machine's operational slate includes the colliding of delicate vases, Monster Trucks, and dead bodies.

"My whole career has been leading up to this," commented Dr. Alan Tisch, an experimental mortician and co-chair of the Creative Anatomy Program at CalTech in Pasadena, CA. "Because of funding, at the university level there's really only so much you can do. I've flung corpses together at the speed of sound and once at the equivalent to Mach 5. Except for the massive international effort which resulted in the LPC though, we may never have known what happens when two dead guys smash together at near the speed of light. I hope it's gonna be sweet."