Keep Your New Moon Blue Balls. I'm Gearing Up for Blind Side's "Brief Nongraphic Marital Lovemaking" Scene

This post actually has nothing to do with movie sex, or the lack thereof. I just wanted to use my favorite phrase from the United States Conference on Catholic Bishop's review of Blind Side in the title.

If you ask me, there's nothing in the entire world that's better than the Blind Side trailer. It's as if Radio, Erin Brockovich and Forrest Gump had a baby. If you haven't seen it, take a look:



Oh, couldn't you just die with joy? Watch it again. I am right now.

There's so much to love, from Sandra Bullock's dye job to the wedging in of the titular line to the multiple fist pump shots, including one with Academy Award Winner Kathy Bates!

But obviously, the biggest moment comes when an older white lady character says to Sandra Bullock's magical white woman character,"You're changing that boy's life." Bullock, full of the milk of racial getting-it-ness, warmly retorts, "No, he's changing mine."

Whoa. Let's think about that for a minute. She lives in the same house, has the same clothes, the same car and money...but Big Mike is the one who has changed her. So what she means is, he's changed her on the inside.

Did your world just get rocked? Yeah, thought so.

But as much as I love that particular rhetorical sledgehammer, I think it's meaning might still be a little too opaque for some. And if anyone walks away from Blind Side not getting it, that's just a missed opportunity. So I have a few suggestions on how they can punch up those lines so that the message isn't missed by any viewer. I hope it's not too late to re-cut the ending, producers!

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Elderly Lady:
You're changing that boy's life.

Sandra Bullock:
No, he's changing mine by showing me I don't mind a black person living in my house.

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Elderly Lady:
That boy is black and he makes me uncomfortable.

Sandra Bullock:
No, you're white and you make him uncomfortable.

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Elderly Lady:
You put that boy in your car.

Sandra Bullock:
No, he put me in his car...which is a metaphor for his hope for a better life. Also, I was in Hope Floats.

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Elderly Lady:
Black people are only good at football.

Sandra Bullock:
No, football is only good with black people.

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Elderly Lady:
You're making that boy rich.

Sandra Bullock:
No, he's made me slightly less rich by eating so much, but I'm ok with that because I'm still rich.

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Elderly Lady:
What did you do to your hair, Sandra Bullock?

Sandra Bullock:
I'm starring opposite a large black man and the producer's wanted me to stand out more.

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Elderly Lady:
See, we don't need affirmative action because rich white people have a natural affinity for non-threatening black people.

Sandra Bullock:
Did you see when I told him to protect the quarterback's blind side by thinking of me...there's a lot of emotional weight in that statement and I think I really pulled it off.

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Elderly Lady:
Will there be black people in heaven because I don't know about that?

Sandra Bullock:
No, black people are first reincarnated into white people, assuming they've been good black people. Then after being good white people they can go to heaven.

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Elderly Lady:
You're changing that boy's life.

Sandra Bullock:
Yes, I am. He's really, really lucky. Plus, I feel even better about myself than I did before I adopted a young black man, so it's worked out for everyone.

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Even if they can't incorporate one of these lines into the movie and re-release it, I think Blind Side is still going to be a feel good powerhouse that has a good chance of converting all those racially intolerant stragglers out there. And if it doesn't do the job, then we can always look forward to the release of Clint Eastwood's Invictus, which is about the time when Nelson Mandela adopted a white soccer player and beat the Russians in a game that came to be known as Miracle on the Pitch. Not sure why they named the movie Invictus, but it will still be good.