1. Due to continental drift, in 300 million years the United States will occupy the area where China is currently, proving that the earth is a commie leftist sympathizer and that we need to destroy it in order to save ourselves. We are hard at work on creating a super-coolant to cease the earth core’s molten machinations. We foresee no negative consequences to this necessary act of self-preservation.

2. A Biblically sanctioned union is the only acceptable union, and not just for marriages. The godless atoms and chemical interactions that make up the bodies and life forces of liberals must be separated or stopped until each electron, proton, neutron and various subatomic particles can be blessed and anointed with oil in a traditional Christian ceremony. Conservative Christian scientists are working hard on the creation of a sub-sub-atomic anointing oil which can be delivered via artificially created holes in Calabi Yau manifolds. Work also proceeds on replacing superstrings themselves with super-crosses and the non-specific fabric of space-time with the Shroud of Turin, making this–FINALLY–a truly Christian universe.

3. Someone has to kill Bono. We’ll settle for Sting, but Bono would be better. No questions. Just someone…GO!

That’s all for today. See you all tomorrow. And oh, not to give it away, but on the docket tomorrow, we’ll be talking about “solutions” to a particular “question” which revolves around a certain cultural organizational whose name rhymes with “The Mewish Zeeples.” Start brainstorming, heroes.