10 Things For Which Militant Conservative Activists Are Responsible That I Just Made Up Right Now
Did you know that the LGBT movement — all of them, including your ex- who just figured himself out — is considering acts of terrorism as a way of promoting their agenda? It's true. That true fact, which is entirely true and is in no way not true, was just made up by The Liberty Counsel, a conservative activist organization dedicated to advancing religious freedom by eliminating the freedom from religion for everyone who isn't religious.
But not only are gays planning terrorist attacks, they may have been involved in the shootings at Ft. Hood, if only metaphorically. According to Matt Barber, Liberty Counsel's Director of Cultural Affairs (only non-gay culture, presumably), gays and Islamic terrorists are practically the same thing:
In honor of The Liberty Counsel's ability to look up at the clear blue sky and discover truths that no one knew were there — not even God — I have created a quick list of my own true facts that are entirely true because I say they are. Take heed, gentle readers. If we forget the past, we'll have to make it up on the spot...which is fine, too.
10 Things For Which Militant Conservative Activists
Are Responsible That I Just Made Up Right Now
1. The birds that flew into US Airways Flight 1549
A militant conservative activist judge was ministering to some gulls along the frigid waters near LaGuardia airport when he set them off by flapping his arms wildly in an effort to explain how they might get to heaven.
2. Bernie Madoff
In 1986, a militant conservative activist bagel cart operator bet Mr. Madoff "free coffee for life" that he couldn't financially destroy "that punk kid from Quicksilver."
3. Homosexuality
It's true. The first gay person was a militant conservative activist named Binxley. He bit another militant conservative activist named Gerald, and so on and so forth...
4. Building 7
The less said about this the better.
5. Kathie Lee & Hoda
Militant conservative activists strategically placed at the highest levels in NBC's executive branch, conspired to destroy America's strategic alliances with the middle east by using the fourth hour of the Today Show as a cautionary tale on the dangers of "letting women run riot."
6. Climate Change
Militant conservative activists release more CO2 in the air than cows. We've known that for decades obviously, but in 1994 militant conservative activists found a way to multiply that energy and use it to power automobiles so large they can't be detected with the human eye.
7. The Opium Trade
Militant conservative activists love poppies. They can't get enough of them. They consider the rampant opium crisis an acceptable, if undignified by-product of their lavish enjoyment of "those pretty, happy flowers."
8. The Death of George C. Scott
Militant conservative activists hate gravely voices. They had been trying to kill George C. Scott for years but he kept eating them. Finally, a weak-elbowed militant conservative activist by the name of Chester snuck into Scott's house one night and smothered him with "all the pillows he could summon." A militant conservative activist EMT ruled Scott's death "natural."
9. All Neurological Disorders
Militant conservative activists have been attacking the brain for years. Doctors have yet to find a cause — much less a cure — other than "persnickitiness."
10. Obama
Sadly, militant conservative activists' gamble backfired on this one. Theorizing that all black people would return to the space ship that "done brought them here" if one of them were elected president, militant conservative activists invented moveon.org, Rachel Maddow and poor-people-who-vote specifically for the purpose of placing Barack Obama in office. When you see a militant conservative activist watching the sky, know that they still wait in vain.
But not only are gays planning terrorist attacks, they may have been involved in the shootings at Ft. Hood, if only metaphorically. According to Matt Barber, Liberty Counsel's Director of Cultural Affairs (only non-gay culture, presumably), gays and Islamic terrorists are practically the same thing:
In the wake of the horrific act of Islamic domestic terrorism at Fort Hood Texas, it has been learned that militant homosexual activists recently made similar online postings to those of Nidal Malik Hasan, threatening additional acts of terrorism against Christians...Folks, this is true. These are true things being said by people who know a thing or to about what's true. You have been warned. So the next time your gay co-worker comes in with several boxes of shoes from DSW, you better check them for that flammable water you can't take on the plane.
In honor of The Liberty Counsel's ability to look up at the clear blue sky and discover truths that no one knew were there — not even God — I have created a quick list of my own true facts that are entirely true because I say they are. Take heed, gentle readers. If we forget the past, we'll have to make it up on the spot...which is fine, too.
10 Things For Which Militant Conservative Activists
Are Responsible That I Just Made Up Right Now
1. The birds that flew into US Airways Flight 1549
A militant conservative activist judge was ministering to some gulls along the frigid waters near LaGuardia airport when he set them off by flapping his arms wildly in an effort to explain how they might get to heaven.
2. Bernie Madoff
In 1986, a militant conservative activist bagel cart operator bet Mr. Madoff "free coffee for life" that he couldn't financially destroy "that punk kid from Quicksilver."
3. Homosexuality
It's true. The first gay person was a militant conservative activist named Binxley. He bit another militant conservative activist named Gerald, and so on and so forth...
4. Building 7
The less said about this the better.
5. Kathie Lee & Hoda
Militant conservative activists strategically placed at the highest levels in NBC's executive branch, conspired to destroy America's strategic alliances with the middle east by using the fourth hour of the Today Show as a cautionary tale on the dangers of "letting women run riot."
6. Climate Change
Militant conservative activists release more CO2 in the air than cows. We've known that for decades obviously, but in 1994 militant conservative activists found a way to multiply that energy and use it to power automobiles so large they can't be detected with the human eye.
7. The Opium Trade
Militant conservative activists love poppies. They can't get enough of them. They consider the rampant opium crisis an acceptable, if undignified by-product of their lavish enjoyment of "those pretty, happy flowers."
8. The Death of George C. Scott
Militant conservative activists hate gravely voices. They had been trying to kill George C. Scott for years but he kept eating them. Finally, a weak-elbowed militant conservative activist by the name of Chester snuck into Scott's house one night and smothered him with "all the pillows he could summon." A militant conservative activist EMT ruled Scott's death "natural."
9. All Neurological Disorders
Militant conservative activists have been attacking the brain for years. Doctors have yet to find a cause — much less a cure — other than "persnickitiness."
10. Obama
Sadly, militant conservative activists' gamble backfired on this one. Theorizing that all black people would return to the space ship that "done brought them here" if one of them were elected president, militant conservative activists invented moveon.org, Rachel Maddow and poor-people-who-vote specifically for the purpose of placing Barack Obama in office. When you see a militant conservative activist watching the sky, know that they still wait in vain.
posted by Carol at 11:08 AM
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