What Will Idiots Be Wearing This Halloween

Every year idiots across America bash their heads together and make powerfully moronic decisions that affect everyone around them for an entire night--and most of the next morning during which they will probably be vomiting up lite beers and hot wings.

You need to be prepared to deal with them. And Drink At Work is here to help with our 2009 'Avoid The Idiots' Halloween Primer.


The last couple years we've dealt mainly with the sexy cat phenomenon that never fails to ensnare a major portion of the female costumer crowd. This year, we're focusing on the male half of this sadness equation.

The average male idiot's Halloween costume choice is usually based around whatever movies or TV shows were popular earlier that year. For instance, when Gladiator (this one, not this one) came out, I remember seeing a group of idiots dressed as a legion of Praetorian guards the following Halloween, led by a costumed General Maximus (also an idiot--the guy in the costume, not Maximus).

However idiotic though, they were at least thorough and consistent in their portrayals...too consistent. They marched in unison down the NARROW sidewalks of L.A., refusing to break ranks on pain of one of them yelling "Dude, get back in line," jostling everyone out of their way.

But sometimes morons make slightly more whimsical choices regarding their costumes, no less idiot-sidious though than their pop culture counter parts. Thus, as the Roman Legion trotted down Santa Monica Blvd., they came across a different (but all too similar) group of idiots who had dressed up as one big package of Lunchables.

Sound cute? Stop and think about how much time and effort must go into creating an outfit that can fit 4-5 guys. The painting alone probably took a day. A WHOLE DAY TO PAINT A BUNCH OF BOXES AND PLASTIC SO YOU COULD LOOK LIKE A PREPACKAGED CHILDREN'S MEAL.

Who has that kind of time?

Idiots. That's who.

So without further ado, we present to you the top five costumes that male idiots will be wearing this year.

1. Transformers -- but the morons who dress up as them won't even dress as classic Auto bots or Decepticons. They'll be dressed as those retarded Pharoah-bots that Bay shat into the script as a nod to Egyptology. To anyone who wears this apocrypha, I Imenhopetep you all die.

2. Paul Blarts: Mall Cops -- you better believe that there are millions of fat idiots out there just waiting to trip over wires, take prat falls, and generally cause (to them) hilarious mayhem. They're coming. Feel free to mace them. Not Mace®. Use the knight's weapon and cave their stupid frakking heads in.

Speaking of frakking...

3. Cylons -- Oh, no, not the cool robotic Centaurian Cylons...nope. The frak for brains in question are usually big thick-necked dudes who would think it the height of wit to dress up as the sexy blonde haired Caprica. If you see a big guy and his pals all dressed up as Caprica's or as any of the other female Cylons...you have my permission to dump them into deep space. Or failing that, to make them cry until their make up runs.


4. Wild Things -- The anthropomorphic monster-child Carol will lose all its/her/his nostalgic charm as duos of over sized dudes all across the nation turn this lead Wild Thing into what is essentially the new horse costume. According to the manner in which I've already seen two groups of dudes designing their suits, each of the Carols you will see walking around on Halloween will resemble nothing so much as a short, fat Chinese New Year's dragon, instead of a simple upright monster. But in their defense, a lot of these guys are sharing a brain, so maybe sharing a costume makes sense. Two halves, half a brain each, and lots and lots of forced innuendo. Get ready for charming lines like this, ladies, when the two halves of the costume go their separate ways to troll for some strange:

"Hey, I can't find my top. Can I have yours instead?"

Puke, rinse, repeat.


5. Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan -- It's a tie, folks. Whether or not you liked the adaptation of the Watchmen is irrelevant. What is relevant is that guys like pretending to be bad ass superheroes on Halloween. And there were no more brightly costumed characters than those from The Watchmen this year. For shear badassitude, Rorschach is going to be a big hit with smaller, lonely guys who fancy that they too could make the tough choices Rorschach had to, if that is they were ever in a situation in which their keen detective and combat skills (which don't exist) were called for. But in terms of self congratulatory-ocity, Dr. Manhattan will provide the too-in-shape crew with a chance to walk around nearly naked, with one another, covered in blue paint and all pretending to be the same guy. If with all the teams of multi-Dr. Manhattans the circumstances for a tragic gang sex act aren't ripe this Halloween, well, then I don't know what's happened to this country.

Our only hope, America, is that the acrylic paint used by the Dr. Manhattan's of the night is an irritant to the skin, and if we're real lucky, accidentally seals shut their pee-holes forever. Man can't pee, he can't fight. You know who said that? The bad guy in Karate Kid. Even now, the 80's continue to give.


Happy Halloween from all of us at Drink At Work, and remember our holiday motto: "Don't be an asshole."