In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day AND a Fake Rockstar’s birthday, I present to you all a re-post from birthdays past. The content still rings crazy as much as it did in 2007…

Today, September 19th, is International “Talk Like a Pirate Day”. I shit you not… Look it up, naysayers. It’s also my birthday, and according to the Ancient Comedy Gods Rules and Behaviors Handbook, whatever I say today goes. Also not kidding, but if you try and look that up, you break the Internet, so just take my word for it. I’d hate to not have Internet on my birthday, as well as shouldering the blame for breaking something so important to so many sad, lonely and obsessed people.

But, I digress…

In addition to talking like those endearing and cursed seamen, I say we all act like the indestructible original pirate himself, Keith Richards for the day. Drink through that liquor cabinet! Smoke anything that roles tightly into a cocktail napkin! Talk like you just had a stroke! Snort your Dad’s ashes! …Uh…

You’ll probably lose your job, wife and hunting license, but think of all the new photos you’ll have to post on your Flickr page! I’ll be looking for your pirate tweets, your pirate FB pages and the sadness that is your pirate costumed children and pets. Please remember to cool off the burned cork BEFORE applying the fake 5 o’clock shadow… Too many childhood memories ruined from that misstep, me thinks.

If you need a starting-off point, here’s a beautiful little video of Keith thwarting the horrible evil that is a Rolling Stones fan:

He doesn’t even miss a cord.

Now if you’ll excuse me, thar be wenches ta plunder and goat’s head soup to devour. Yargh.

BTW: I’ll be at Gritty’s in Portland, ME from 4pm on today. Anyone who wants to buy a real Fake Rockstar a beer is welcome. I’ll be the one surrounded by fake friends.