As if there were ever any doubt, Jonas finished a the top of his class, earning what would today be the equivalent of a 6.0 GPA on a four-point scale.
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JONAS’ VALEDICTORY SPEECH (transcribed)

Dearest Faculty, Esteemed Alumni, and Tolerable School-Chums,

You all, each and every one of you, disgust me.

Your common natures, your base grovelings in the trough of life, and your preference for the easy road over the worthwhile yet hard road is entirely unsurprising given what I have already learned about Human Nature, but the glee you display as you wallow in the muck is truly astonishing.

How, I ask, can you live with yourselves? Were I a meaner man, I would spit on all of you individually; however decency and the time allotted for this speech forbid me from doing so.

I will observe, Neville Strutherfeathers, that it is easy for you and ten of your friends to tie me up and keep me in your foot-locker, but it would be extremely difficult for your syphilitic mother to turn down the advances of a passing sailor even on the rare mornings when she is actually sober.

I am, of course, kidding…

It has truly been an honor to have spent the past years studying with all of you. It is rare in this world to find a more dedicated community of learners than I have found here, and I will recall the lessons learned here – in the classroom, on the fields of play and in the dormitory – fondly for the rest of my life.

I tell you this today – it is a wise man who is a friend to all, but it is a wiser man who encourages others to be friendly. Be a wiser man. I know I shall do my best to be one, as well.

May Divine Providence show us the favor we justly deserve!

And those of you who know me certainly know I was not serious in the least when I said I was kidding earlier. I cannot believe I was able to stomach well-wishes for any of you, even false ones.

I sincerely loathe the lot of you, and I would not be surprised to see James Truesdale’s father consorting with loose women minutes after we finish the events of the day. To be sure, he is drunk already, which one can tell since he appears still to breathe.

Gaudeamus igitur!