If it wasn’t enough that I still shoved my Clause-like affection in the pliant faces of several sets of children I’m not even genetically linked to: my ex-girlfriend’s niece and nephews, as well as the two kids I was a manny to for a few years…

…well now, my hometown BFF Noel and his lovely wife Corey have gone and done had a child. Her name is Tess Ketchi and she was born yesterday. She will very soon and imperceptibly, incrementally begin to realize that no matter how much she cries or how far she crawls…I will always be there, forcing my uncle-ness into her life.

Tess, I hope you like lots of shitty presents in place of regular appearances by me, in a lame attempt to buy your love, since I live in New York and not the greater Boston area and can’t visit often.

Because that’s what I have to offer 90% of the time. The other 10%?

Eh, I’ll show up and embarrass you in front of your friends. Or until you have friends, I’ll just list shapes that I think will expand your intellect. I’ll be like, “Mobius Strip. It’s a surface with only one side but is somehow still a three dimensional form. Wrap that around your dreams. Now get to bed!”

Welcome to planet earth, Tess.