WHERE THE WILD THINGS SPEEDWALK

The Central Park ecosystem contains a unique and fertile sampling of all God’s creatures — as well as evidence that on occasion, he *really* screwed up.

There are many amazing creatures in the world: some majestic, some terrifying, and some just downright annoying. But there is no creature that combines all three as splendidly as the Central Park recreational athlete. Whether on foot or on wheels, the day traders, lawyers, and “independently” wealthy health nuts that roam the park’s six-mile perimeter are pound for pound the most unpleasant beasts ever to have evolved in our city. The ecological niche they occupy would already have been filled by the common roach, but for the fact that Modell’s does not yet sell breathable fleece jumpers made to fit a prothorax. So if you should find yourself alone in the park one fine summer day, be sure to avoid any of the following manimals. Your safety — or at least your peace of mind — may depend on it.

The Rapidestrian, or “Speedwalker”
GROUPING TERM: Embarrassment
As in, “An Embarrassment of Speedwalkers”

First thought extinct in the 1980s due to over-shaming, scientists from the Rapidestrian Preservation Society recently got close enough...

Click here to read the rest of this article at its home, CITY SCOOPS, also available in the print magazine.