It’s springtime in Los Angeles, which apparently means two things: 95-degree weather in April and marketing blitzes for Big Summer Movies. It’s never too early to get people excited about Hugh Jackman’s muttonchops.

While at one recent press screening for a teen- and tween-heavy movie, I was lucky enough to sit in front of a pair of portly, slouched middle-aged men and listen as they discussed teenage flesh. But don’t worry, it’s totally cool. They’re agents.

More specifically, they’re child actor agents, that odd brand of talent rep covering a very unique end of the industry, where the soul crushing operates on a much more potent level.

The way they discussed their quarries was illuminating, if disturbing. As they greeted each other, one asked if the other “had anyone” in the movie.

“One of the Wonderbras,” the other agent replied. I couldn’t help but notice the embarrassed blush on the 15-year-old client he’d brought along to the screening. (Probably as some sort of tutorial: “See, Dakota? See what happens when you wear the low-slung top to the open call?”) But don’t worry, she’ll lose that obnoxious sense of propriety soon enough.

The other agent started pitching the twin sister of the boy he’d brought with him. “She’s little and pudgy, but really funny. Great eyes. And, you know, ethnic.”

At one point one of them mentioned thinking about “bringing another kid out here,” as if referencing some sort of Christian Child Actor’s Fund. (“For just the price of a Pinkberry and a mobile texting plan a day, you can make sure little Madison gets the auditions she so desperately needs. Once you sponsor a child actor, we’ll send you a headshot, a list of skills and a parental emancipation application. With your help, no more precocious triple-threats will have to languish in the squalor of the Midwest.”)

But the most illuminating part of the evening was when they began discussing in great detail the upcoming L.A. area high school theater season. The aforementioned blusher sitting with her agent had blown everyone away last month in “Into the Woods,” after all. But the production of “Wicked” going up in Toluca Lake is supposed to be gangbusters.

And you thought your high school drama department was intense. Imagine having these guys in the audience. Because they’re coming to every show at every high school. Trust me. I had to listen as they listed them all.

“Drinking in L.A.” is Ned Ehrbar’s look at life as a bleary-eyed East Coast refugee in sunny Southern California. You can see Ned’s other work here, and you’re more than welcome to follow him on Twitter, as awkward as that sounds.”