Could You Please Not Whip Your Cock Out In Front Of My Mother

Li'l Spencer's back! Repent!

After a much needed Holiday, the evil Spencer Glum is back in all new adventures. You can catch his unholy acts every Tuesday and Thursday, here, on Drink at Work.com.

Shay-Shay-Shaaaaaay...Shayna Ferm

Tonight at 8pm there is a great show at Ace of Clubs featuring our dear friend Shayna Ferm and her band the Upper Deckers. The show is hosted by Brat Nasty, aka Katherine Bryant of Fearsome. We haven't gotten to hang with Shayna and the other Fearsome folks for a while so we're really looking forward to it.

Featuring an all-star-to-us line up of musical comedy awesomeness, Brat Nasty's Comedy Playlist is an event you should only miss if you're having a baby, and even then it's not advisable.



The show will feature performances as well as videos such as this:



And if you simply can't wait eight hours, you can buy Shayna Ferm and The Upper Decker's debut album right here.

This is why I use CAPTCHA for Myspace.

Meet my new CAPTCHA-free friends, Melony, Mia, Almeda, and of course Carolann, who just came from wind tunnel practice.


Oh woops! We forgot someone...Rowena...and her sister whose name I'm guessing is Bowena. THEY RHYME! OMG!


While I'm sure all of these special ladies are special in their own special ways, I doubt any of those specialties include "not blowing a lot of strange guys who give them free drugs" or "having anything worthwhile to say." So alas, my special hombre-ettes...I must pass on your invitations to "check out your other page where they allow nudity :),!!!" I am sure you will find that other, special someone who is special in his own special way, ways that DO include "accepting a lot of blowjobs for giving you free drugs" and "also not having anything worthwhile to say."

Best,
Sean "Excelsior!" Crespo

Drink Blogging™ the Oscars

11:49pm

My dad would beg to differ on the Best Picture winner. He didn't understand why it ended that way. However, I loved No Country for Old Men. I also loved Michael Clayton. I'm also pretty sure I loved most of the other nominees but I didn't see them.

Also, all the comedians are now making movie names into Bro names...Bro Country for Old Men, There Will Be Bros, etc.

11:47pm

That's it, folks. I'm going to grab a dog and head to bed. G'night everybody, from the icy and drunken state of Maine.

11:47pm

Am I your monkey?

11:46pm

The Coen Brothers rule.

Now I have to go see their movie, I guess.

11:43

I really thought the Coen Brothers were physically attached in some way... Head, Hip... Thumbs. I don't know why, I just did...

11:29pm

So you mean borderline HOT??? Eddie Izzard is hot, so is Daniel Day Lewis.

Also, Adam and Todd Stone, who are identical twins that I had an improv class with were just in a commercial. Everyone's famous except me and my monkey.

11:37pm

Daniel Day Lewis' hair and earrings are borderline Eddie Izzard.

11:34pm

Daniel Day Whatev...

11:32pm

I say upset and Clooney wins.

11:29pm

Someone just yelled during Diablo Cody's speech, "Did she just thank Milosevic? She just THANKED Milosevic?"

Best Actor coming up!!! HOTNESS!

11:17pm

The next Michael Moore movie should be titled: "The people I've loved and the people I've eaten". The boy ain't svelte.

10:55pm

During the acceptance for best song, I overheard both of these comments:

"No, that's not the guy from Simply Red."

"This is the most un-American Oscars ever."

10:42

Man, look at Penelope Cruz. Nothing good ever happens to me.

10:39

Everybody who hasn't left our lame party is either asleep or hugging the cold tile floor in the bathroom. I'm once again alone with my thoughts and my Maker's Mark.

Thank god I have the warm glow of the Interweb. It's Cyberific!

10:30pm

Renee Zellweger is creepy goodness.

10:21pm

What is this song? And why is HOUSE's (and more importantly the BLACK ADDER's) Hugh Laurie singing it?

10:19pm

Parts of the movie Once were filmed at Gritty McDuff's here in Portland. See that, people? My drinking at that "bar" has gotten me one degree from the fucking Oscars. Go flog yerselves, all y'all.

10:14pm

I personally can't wait for the legendary Jack Nicholson. This calls for whiskey.

10:07pm

The Bourne Ultimatum just won for Best Sound Editing. But all I can think about is the horrible sounds the two winners, a mannish woman and a pony-tailed effemi-male, make during what is probably (I'm guessing here) sloppy, confused, and desperate love after a long night of sound Soundtrack Pro mixing.

Also Baron Vaughn is behind me and just said, "Poop, poopy poops." That's how real this real-time blogging is.

Sean

10:06pm

It's because the Transformers aren't real, isn't it?

10:03pm

How many years will Optimus Prime be denied? How many, people?

10:00pm

Ok, everyone who has ever said to me, "Oh my god, you HAVE to see Enchanted...no, I'm serious, it's really, really good. I know you think it's a cheesy musical, but you HAVE to go see it. Really. GO SEE IT!" ...I'm pretty sure you're all mentally deficient. Those two musical numbers were enough to tell me to never, ever see that film.

9:50pm

Sid Gannis just announced a category. I can't tell what because nearby are three of my friends, comedians, talking loudly about how Sid looks like an accountant who's done too well for himself and now thinks people should hear what he has to say on non-accountant-related topics, such as the Oscars.

Full disclosure: I don't really care what he's saying. See, I worked for him as a temp for a few months at Sony in L.A. Tidbit: He hates it when people use the phrase, "no problem," even and especially when it's applicable, such as when your boss, Sid Gannis, asks you to complete a boring and essentially thoughtless task, which is every task you'll be asked to accomplish as a temp at Sony (or anywhere).

Sean posting in red.

9:39pm

I'm watching the Oscars with 10 comedians. I've heard Tilda Swinton referred to as Eric Stoltz 47 times. Yes, she looks like the ass-end of a twelve 9/11 tsunamis...but she rocks in Michael Clayton. So, suck it, funny bones.

Oh, and Eric Slovin is at the Academy Awards...I thought I saw him earlier in the show and now I know for sure. He's a talented New York comic and former writer for SNL. He must be dating that actress from Gone Baby Gone. He once told me he's given up a lot to stay in New York instead of move to LA. That's A+ good in my book.

9:31pm

Isn't August Rush a movie about a little white kid looking for his white parents? Did they just put the gospel choir in there for the nomination?

9:21pm

Javier Bardem looks like every sex dream I've ever had.

And There Will Be Butter is going to be Dana Carvey's come back vehicle.

9:18pm

Thank God it wasn't Casey Affleck.

9:16pm

Casey Affleck? Really?

9:12pm

Carol and I are going to make a movie called "There Will Be Butter", about the first ever diner in the American Heartland. Right, Carol?

9:09pm

Who thought it was a good idea to write a comedy line for The Rock? And by the way, HIS NAME IS THE ROCK. There's no going back, Hollywood. You can't trick us. He's not doing any Merchant Ivory films anytime soon.

9:07pm

He's not The Rock anymore? When the hell did that happen? And why is he fucking presenting at the Oscars?!

8:59pm

Can I ask why the women in Hollywood spend all year trying to distinguish themselves enough to be recognized for an Academy Award, and then show up to the ceremony dressed and styled so that they all look exactly alike? Who are these people?

Amy Adams is embarrassing all humans right now.

8:56pm

"Wait... So she's NOT Charlize Theron?"

"No, She's Katherine Heigl"

"But... She looks.."

"I know. Bit she's not."

"Are you sure?"

8:51pm

A great piece full of past great performers, marred by Celine Dion singing.

8:38pm

You really get the feeling Jon Stewart is playing to a living full of his friends. It's like watching a Thanksgiving play by the short Jewish brother I never had.

Pass the coconut cream pie.

A drunken cheer goes up in the living room for the first Oscar: Costume design. Oh wait, no... The cheer was for the new box of wine.

8:34pm

No one laughed at Jon's joke about Hollywood congratulating itself...perfect.

8:32pm

What the fuck was that?
-Carol (blogging in blue)

8:30pm

Here we go! Cool little CGI intro...

8:28pm

Regis just called Tommy Lee Jones, "Harvey" Lee Jones.

8:01pm

On ABC now. Regis is doing the red carpet show. He's yelling, but yelling with excitement.

I'm a man who loves women and I'll tell ya what... George Clooney is hot. There, I said it.

The only thing sadder than the Paparazzi falling over the celebs on the red carpet, are the poor fans in those red seats. They look the steerage section of a sinking cruise ship, only they're wearing shirts that spell out the name of the folks higher than them on the Socioeconomic stairway to the life boats.

Or something.

Oh good, more wine boxes... We'll be back.

7:53pm

Casey Affleck? Really?

7:46pm

No one else is disturbed that Jason Bateman is in a movie that could win an Oscar? Arrested Development was genius, but Jason Bateman does not equate Academy Award. Sorry, it just don't.

7:40pm

Commercials on E!, Red Flags at the race and two of my guests are feverishly shredding the bladder of the wine box to get to what's left inside.

This party is already a mistake.

7:20pm

The NASCAR race is something called "red flagged" for an apparent accident. There seems to be a bit of disappointment that we missed the crash, because I'm told "that's why we watch".

ANYWAY, the box of wine is already half empty and we're back to E!

P. Diddy is standing on the red carpet, looking like he's posing for photos, but no one seems to care. A bit sad. Evidently Gary Busey accosted Jennifer Garner in some fashion, according to Ryan Seaquest. I wonder if Ben Affleck will try and fight Gary Busey. I'd pay to see that.

Some people are getting nauseous from Mr. Seaquest's quips, so we're going to break and make a wine box run.

7:03pm

Well, everyone's here, we have a full box of wine, Papa John's all meat pizza and we're all in our sleeping bags–Mine is BJ and the Bear! Welcome to life in Maine!

I'm flicking from the NASCAR race, not without protests, and on to E! for some red carpet dish. Ryan Seaquest is interviewing The Rock right now. Someone just called both men a "tool". The lights are off, so I can't see who it was.

It rained in California over the weekend and I'm being told celebrities melt in the rain and the Paparazzi turn to demons, so let's pray for more rain, because that'd be cool to see.

My channel changing powers have suddenly been usurped and we're back to the race. Fortunately, it's also in California, so that's something.

The Oscars 2008! With Billy Crystal

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: LOST Part 2

Part two of my groundbreaking vlog about the hit show LOST. I accurately predict the ending to every single major character's arc. Above: Claire dies from sadness in a bog with Artex.

Verrrrry accurate.

Great/Awful Moments on the Dan VS America Tour, #1,007

Even the best of friendships can become strained. All is well finally and we've "made up," but it seems on Tuesday night Dan and I pulled a mutual hammy. Not to fear, we're back in fighting (not each other) form and will be bringing down the house right here in DAW's Carol Hartsell's own Birmingham, Alabama at a venue called Bottletree. I'm sure we'll both have a funny story to tell about our faces.

Texas Gift Show DVD Reviews

Texas Gift Shop Bargain Tour

Worst Street Team Ever - San Marcos, TX - Part 2

Worst Street Team Ever - San Marcos, TX - Part 1

Texas Highway Death Deer Drive

Great/Awful Moments on the Dan VS America Tour, #93

Here are some tips, America, in case you decide to book a comedy show.

1. Find out who the comics on the show are. If one of them is a smart-ass liberal political and social commentary comic who tells ironic personal horror stories, and the other is a smart-ass, fast-talking sort of populist social commentary comic who tells ironic personal horror stories as well...then maybe having a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a 14 year old in the audience is a bad idea.

2. If you are the booker of the show and are sitting in the audience, it's probably a bad idea to have a loud, shitty pop song as your ring tone and to leave your ringer on for the entirety of the show. It is further also poor judgment to leave the ringer volume on high. Lastly, it is yet worse then to answer the phone and have not one, not two, but SEVEN conversations while still seated among the audience with a further four conversations that required so much attention and focus, you could not permit yourself to be distracted by the verbal baubles the comedian on stage at the time is then presenting and noisily excused yourself to walk outside.

3. Two long cafeteria style tables placed directly in front of the huge but only doorway, which allows every sound passing in the 12 parsec area (but few people) to enter, set within a brightly lit rec room with no stage but plenty of workstation computers, with several loud bags of Doritos and soda cans you are loudly encouraging others to loudly enjoy, with lots of antique clock faces and other paraphernalia that makes the room appear like an anachronistic Bennigan's, with an audience comprised of employees you've wrangled at the last minute because you forgot to promote or flier for the show which is at 6 pm with day light still streaming in...IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE PERFORMING SITUATION.

That, in short, is a relatively simple primer for how NOT TO RUN a comedy show.

Thank you, America. Thank you. And thank you, last show we just did.

Love,
Sean

I love you THIIIIIS much, America.

Keith Farnan is Irish. And Hilarious.

On the Drink at Work Show - 02/09/08

No Prior Knowledge: LOST

Crespo's latest Vlog for televisionwithoutpity.com can be found here (or just click the picture above).

Great/Awful Moments on the Dan VS America Tour, #47

Eating dinner at a Qdoba before a 5 hour drive to the next hamlet , Dan and I were approached by a 90 year-old woman who had been sitting with her walker-bound husband moments before. She walked up to our table, stood there silently for a moment which was creepy enough, then shared with us the most disturbing non-sequitur which was, "My husband and I were just saying that you two gentlemen have the most wonderful haircuts ever."

Dan and I exchanged a "Are we about to be eaten by human-sized, sentient insect in disguise as an old lady" look, then gave her a tentative "thank you."

She then said our haircuts were much better than any of those being sported by the young teen employees of the restaurant. By now she had shattered the social contract not only between two groups of restaurant patrons but between "sweet old people" and "a couple of people trying to eat quietly because they're tired." It was on.

I asked if there was a new MTV for the elderly and were we were being Punkd. Dan asked her if she was wearing a camera. In response she covered her chest with her shawl and replied in the negative. Dan then said, "You don't have to close your jacket. I wasn't looking at your boobs."

She assured us that she was aware that there was nothing to look at "in that area" and persisted in chatting by asking what we were doing in town. To which, I replied, "We're in a John Ashcroft cover band called Let The Eagle Rock," while Dan explained we were "part of a two man Shaolin Soccer team and were giving free lessons to underprivileged youths."

She stared for a moment more, not sure what to say. So we cleared it up and shared that we were on a stand up tour. She asked if it was a clean tour. We both said no. She winked once at both of us, then left. AND THAT WAS IT.

I'm still left wondering if she was either a ghost or part of some far advanced citizen's watch program where the elderly are placed under cover throughout the town to strike up conversations with strangers and find out where they're going, possibly to avoid another First Blood. Who knows. All that matters is that this even happened and that it's still creeping me out.

MORE Great/Awful Moments on the Dan VS America Tour TOMORROW.

Awkward Dildo Infommerical Moment In Texas Motel Room

Just two dudes sitting around watching dildo infommericals on a Saturday night.

Huh?

Sean Crespo - Chubby Birdologist

I made this while we were driving today as well.

Texas is a really big, flat and boring state to drive across. There's not much to do while doing it except deride Crespo and dodge onslaughts of murderous birds.

Passenger Seat Pamphlet Tour Of Colorado

This was made earlier today while Crespo and I drove from Colorado to Texas.

Myspace Keeps Deleting Me. I Keep Re-Making Me.

Wow, and I thought I was petty and annoying.

Myspace has me beat by a mile.

Water thin mint tetris

So I'm sick. Again. I feel like I've been sick all winter. This bit of ill is particularly bad because it involves a fever. And because I'm a creative nutjob, I hallucinate when I get a bad fever. I remember being really young with a scorching forehead and telling my Dad my neck was on backwards and I could see fried chickens in Dixie cups, flying over a barn.

And people wonder where I get ideas for comics.

So last night I had this fever... I was warm, but had the chills. About halfway through the night, I woke to the sound of rushing water. We were having a really bad ice storm, so this made sense. Until I looked down to see water flowing around our second floor bedroom, rapidly filling the room and washing down the stairs. I sprang to life and woke the wife and dogs. "Everyone out! There's water everywhere!", I exclaimed. I was going for my boots and rain gear when the light came on the water disappeared.

So the wife gets me back into bed... We laugh a tired laugh and I try to get some sleep. About an hour later, I woke myself up because I was waving my hands in the air. It seems I was playing Tetris with the huge imaginary Andes' thin mints I saw floating in the air.

Welcome to hallucination central. Please distinguish all cigarettes, place you trays in an upright position and prepare your brain for anything and everything.

So now, I'm off to bed, once again. Maybe tonight I'll get to play Monopoly, on an aircraft carrier with Jennifer Connelly and Sheryl Crow. Although, with my luck it'll be with Dr. Phil and Rachael Ray.

Nothing good ever happens to me.

Video from Shoot the Messenger Open with Michael Stipe (and Me!)

Here it is, complete with a couple of audio glitches. I think my 3 seconds on stage is pretty amazing, though.

Dan V America Tour: part 1

I’d never spent much time on the road as a comedian. Not for want of the thing, but mostly because it’s hard to get a good college or club booker and doing all the booking and wage negotiating yourself...that’s a full time job, one where the owning of a car is about as optional as having a a nervous system. Bookers generally want to see your best 5-7 minutes of one liners or cutesypoo observational bits, e.g. “Golf is weird, right guys? Right? 18 holes, a club and one white ball…(insert retarded observation here)!”

So if your act is predominantly stories or political...good luck. And if you have both...well, gooder luck. And if you're not in you early twenties while doing this...consider sepuku.

Since I’m one of those gentleman lucky enough to fool himself into thinking his thoughts on modern political warfare matter or that his own histrionic family history is as funny to an audience as it is to himself, trying to find a booker can be a futile errand. That and I have no patience for winning over some cigar chomping commission-vampire who would just as soon send out one of his dozen juggler/impressionist/adult hypnotism acts to whatever burnt out, woodland pool hall he’s deigned to give me a shot at that night. At least this is the cartoonish 1970’s image that comes to mind...which I’m sure is partly responsible for my lack of road experience.

So in general, I’ve previously been confined to rooms in Boston, L.A. and NYC, or when I did go on the road it was for brief periods (a few days) or to perform for specific groups like the resident College Democrats at whatever school my pal Jeff Kriesler would invite me along to open or middle for him. But that was then, and this is, ahem, now.

Enter: The Dan VS. America Tour

From the moment we hit the road, things went exactly as you’d expect them to go...wrong. But still somehow good. Good because you know that every comedian you’ve ever idolized had to go through the same thing many times over and came out of it much the better. Every comedian who goes out for long periods must find themselves wondering if the shows always have such wide ranging results. And of course they do. We’ve had s.r.o. Drink At Work Shows with great audiences excited to see every sketch and comedian, famous or not, but we’ve also had shows where the single, hate-filled audience member was actively remote viewing the location of our families so he could kidnap them, hold them for ransom, and force us to close shop.

That happens everywhere, but on the road, in strange towns and with little to do but focus on upcoming and recently past performances, it all gets blown way out of proportion...that is until it deadens you inside and you stop caring. Luckily for us on the D V A Tour, it only took three shows before we all stopped caring. Here’s what we’ve been up to so far.

I flew to LA Saturday February 3rd, and on Monday Dan Bialek, Dan Dominguez and I drove north for 16 hours and by 1 am, we’d made it to a sizable bar/pool hall in Eugene, Oregon (in the woods, yes). 200 people had shown up to see my best friend Dan Bialek headline (45 mins), myself middle (30 mins), and Dominguez open (15 mins). Unfortunately the audience had arrived around 10 pm. Three hours late due to construction, unforeseen deluges, and traffic jams, we arrived to find the 15 hardcore fans who stayed...15 hardcore drunk fans.

At the DAW Show, we always encourage our audience to patronize the bar as much as possible, knowing that they’ll keep it within limits. DAW audiences, like many of those in NYC downtown comedy, have either come to see a free-to-cheap show. It’s low risk for them. If it wasn’t good, “Hey, at least it was free.” And if it was great, “Hey, it was free!” Either way, chances are they’re not going to order 10 rounds of shots to chase their 10 rounds of car bombs and Sugartinis. They just don’t throw them back in NYC or LA or even Boston the way they do on the road.

So instead of a comedy show breaking up their thirst-slaking party, this already hard drinking community kept doing what they do best...you guessed it! Liver smothering!

By the time we got there, the level of speech coherence among patrons hovered somewhere around “offering three-ways as personal introductions” to “I shout racial slurs as punctuation.” That’s one thing we’ve definitely established on this trip...America still loves to hate. No fewer than three times at the first show alone, we were sitting around afterwards with a few locals, having a relatively nice chat each time, when out of nowhere, as if it was a hilarious anecdote they suddenly remembered and wanted to share, some fan of the show would blurt out how little affection he or she had for anyone with skin darker than a vampire Viking who’d spent most of his life in a cave. There’s a reason minorities cluster in cities: nobody wants to be the neighborhood novelty/focus of unreasoning hatred.

Interestingly enough, there have been next to no black people in any of the towns we’ve visited and yet, as if they were monsters out of legend, the locals barely stop themselves from making the sign of the cross at their mention or from suggesting that perhaps separate but equal facilities could be set up for their schooling, eating, breathing, etc.

When we asked them what they don’t like about black people, the answer is inevitably an evasive non-explanation like, “I just don’t trust them.” When asked why, then they really pull out the big logic guns with retorts like, “I just don’t.” Both Dans and myself are all half-Latino, so during these chats, we’re blessed with the bonus experience of feeling like we’re half-under cover.

What’s truly beautiful about the redneck is that they're the perfection of the human being-as-trainwreck, utterly unaware of how horribly ruinous their lives have become, and in fact even proud of it.

First of all, they all have at least a couple kids they kinda, sorta know about living nearby or with one of their multiple ex-es. Jack Daniels is a breakfast beverage on par with O.J. or milk. Weight? Somewhere in the 300-400 lbs. range. There's always some vague desire to leave one’s particular town but no ambition in life grander than hanging out at the neighborhood IHOP to make that move manifest.

Dental deformities are a must!

And it’s not due to lack of money cause these folks can throw back a hundred dollars of booze a night, and that's on an off night. It must be fashionable to have teeth that practically come through the side of one’s cheek, which face every which way but useful, and which in times of danger can (I’m guessing here) serve as a defensive perimeter from which to hide behind. But it’s not they and the millions of planetary burdens like them who are the problem...it’s black people. Right?

Scapegoat much?

Anyway, to the matter of the shows themselves... The 15 people who stuck around for that first show were all very pleasant folks, aside from the latent racism--which is probably the most loaded excuse one can make for a group of people.

“Hey this is my buddy, Reg. He’s a good guy except for all the cross-burning and hate crimes.” But there it is. Nice with a streak of evil. Ugh.

So they sat there and they almost listened--which is tough when a retired hooker/stripper and her yip-yip dog on her lap kept interrupting. Which she was.

In her defense, she’s used to being the center of attention, and none of us were putting dollar bills in her clothes as we were all busy trying to win over a largely unwinnable sprinkling of people. Fortunately she took it upon herself to share every half-thought she was having as they came to her. Some of her pearls of wisdom included, “You’re handsome. But I don’t know what you’re saying,” and “Oh my god, my (garbled word) is just like (garbled phrase) too! See! We could be friends. You’re handsome.”

The show ended with Bialek telling one of his trademark personal horror stories and coming off stage to a big round of laughs and applause. Something he’s good at, taking a bad show and turning it into a showcase of his deftness with words while simultaneously remaining accessible to every audience, even a very drunk, very tired one.

That show would turn out to be a good example of what was to come.

The next night was a small college in Aberdeen, Washington, home to Nirvana’s late Kurt Cobain. Town motto? COME AS YOU ARE. Really. Truly. Dan Dominguez has been opening by observing the inappropriateness of Aberdeen’s appropriating of Cobain’s fame by using a Nirvana song title as their town motto. Other possible options they may have explored? Welcome To Aberdeen: Rape me.

About 70 people were scattered throughout what was a modern, well equipped, and quite large auditorium. They ranged from 14 years old (two kids in the front who didn’t smile once) to a group of area hipsters (who surprisingly loved the show) to a group of elderly ladies who were so frail they had to be escorted in by the theater’s attendants. (I think they enjoyed it. They didn't die. That's something right?)

Overall, the show went very well. We all had strong sets, and everyone seemed pleased except the 14 year olds who I think were hoping we’d be more like Dane Cook. I know this because I heard one of them say, "These guys stink. I thought they'd be more like Dane Cook." Then they tried to recreate one of Dane’s bits, something about a Tyrannosaurus having trouble jerking off due to its small arms. Sigh.

We hadn’t yet checked in to a hotel yet, so we were obliged by two of the show's fans, a couple of sweet Emo kids, to come stay the night with them. We all went out to get Mexican food then crashed at their place, which they shared with an obese 50 year old English woman who sat by the fire guzzling wine and cigarettes and who related to us that she’d almost been raped that night. Horrified, we asked what had happened and could we help. It turns out that was just an opener for her because the next sentence out of her mouth was addressed to Dan. That sentence was, “So are you going to fuck me?” None of us stand on ceremony when a ridiculous situation rears its wonderful, wonderful comedy-making head. The woman then climbed on Dan’s lap and tried to force herself on him.

She kept asking us to "shag" her...so a good two hours was then spent explaining to her that her “jump rope tits” weren’t really doing it for any of us. And when she threatened us with suicide by swallowing pills, we quickly fetched the pills and begged her to do it. Which of course she did not. A 40 minute walk in the rain later, she came back and went straight to bed. The pills? Tums.

But the fun doesn’t have to stop there. Not when ambiguous sexuality is involved. Emo-boy, a nice kid, and his girlfriend of a week and a half, also a nice kid, were enjoying the antics I suppose, but they were turning into a side show themselves. She spent the next portion of the evening trying to convince us she was with him only until he admitted he was gay, an “accusation” he continuously denied by telling us stories that started with phrases like, “When I was at the hair salon...” and “I was only trying to kiss him because...” Well, a little urging and a lot of built up ennui within them both made it possible for us to coax them into trying to make a baby from within their dog’s travel cage. Ten beautiful, awkward minutes later produced nothing more than further remonstrations from the girl that he was a bad lover, which we defended as a group with the observation that she looked as if she probably leaned lady-ward with her own sexual cravings anyway. Once again we were fairly dead on...since such a scenario had apparently played out not long before our visit to the town. Would we could time travel.

We’d had our fill of helping these two young pupa transform into the beautiful little butterflies they would someday become--the English creature had passed out in her room--so it was off to bed. Our last impression of the town would be as we dropped off Emo-boy for his appointment at the hair salon. Urging him to get out of Aberdeen as soon as possible but knowing he’d at best move to Portland, we said our goodbyes and were on the road to a coffeeshop in Tacoma, Washington.

But that's a hilarious story for another blog.

Goodnight America, wherever you are.

Love,
Sean

The Dizzying Highs and The Terrifying Lows

Last night was extraordinary for a few reasons. One, it marked the first time I've actually appeared on stage in Shoot the Messenger. Having worked the booth since we began the show at Ace of Clubs last July, I've only been able to appear in videos. But after we moved to the Green Room at 45 Bleecker, the tech side of the show was handed over to the incomparable Canadian Matt Gorman. I'm transitioning into more of a writer and performer role with occasional shooting duties, and I'm really excited about it.

Two, my brief time on stage last night was shared with Michael Stipe. I'm not someone who particularly cares about famous people, but since he was basically my teenage/twenty-something hero it was kind of otherwordly. We chatted a bit in the dressing room with Lizz before the show and I found him to be incredibly nice, funny and slightly introverted in an affable way. For the show, he just did a walk-on and I got to be the person who ran on stage and took him off. I had two lines...they were, "Sweet Jesus..." and "No, no he can't." I wrote both of them. Clearly, this kind of talent can't be relegated to the booth.

Three, I caught a stomach flu that started to kick in about an hour before show time. I kept it together through my appearance, which thankfully was at the beginning of the show, and then spent the rest of the first act puking in the bathroom. Then Mindy, who took pictures that can be seen below scooped me up, got me a cab home and put me in bed. Of course, that meant leaving about $5,000 worth of camera and AV equipment behind for the rest of the Shoot the Messenger crew to pack up for me. I suppose that's the beauty of being a part of an ensemble...if you're vomiting uncontrollably there's always someone who can take care of the things you have to run out on.

I can't even begin to explain what being a part of STM has done for me or meant to me. It has challenged me creatively and helped me grow, it's taught me how to collaborate and work as a team, and it's allowed me to meet some amazingly talented and inspiring people, and I'm not just speaking of the famous folks who have walked through our doors. The people I work with every week to produce this show are wickedly smart, creative, scrappy and hilarious. I'm incredibly lucky.

I'm going back to bed to try to sleep away the fever I've had since last night. Check out the photos below and check out Shoot the Messenger over the next couple of days for video footage from the show.








Click here to see all the photos from last night.

COME SEE THE DRINK AT WORK SHOW TONIGHT

And catch great acts like these...


Dale from the Sun & Moon Store, Paramus, NJ


Katina Corrao Rapping


Clyde Zelwiger

Television Sans Pity

Sean Crespo gives us another look at how to critique television shows without actually watching them. This week he tackles "Jericho."

SO CLICK HERE OR THE PICTURE ABOVE TO WATCh

The Dan Vs. America Tour

The Dan VS. America Tour is already off to a great start. Check out some more dates below and tell you friends if the crew is coming to their city!

(for specific show details visit: http://www.myspace.com/danvsamerica )

February 11, 2008 @ 8pm

DVA Tour @ The Ruby Room @ Phoenix, AZ

February 12, 2008 @ 8pm

DVA Tour @ The Grove @ Las Cruces, NM

February 13, 2008 @ 8pm

DVA Tour @ Jack Quinn Pub & Alehouse @ Colorado Springs, CO

February 14, 2008 @ 6pm

University of Wyoming @ Laramie, Wyoming

February 14, 2008 @ 8pm

DVA Tour @ The Grove in Greeley @ Greeley, Colorado

February 15, 2008 @ 8pm

DVA Tour @ The Grove in Greeley @ Greeley, CO

February 21, 2008 @ 8pm

DVA Tour @ Roach Entertainment Rock Event @ Slidell, Louisiana

March 4, 2008 @ 9pm

DVA Tour @ The Atlantic @ Gainesville, FL

March 6, 2008 @ 9pm

DVA Tour @ Exodus @ Port Saint Lucie, FL

At Home Watching the Primary Results

1:05 am
Corey: I do think John McCain is the only Republican I'd vote for, tho he scares me on his views towards the war and I think he's honest to a fault. Romney reminds of Kodos (and/or Kang) from the Simpsons, with Huckabee appearing to be a robot that escaped Disney's Hall of Presidents. I mean, Christ, no one on that campaign even remotely entertained the idea of "I (heart) Huckabee" bumper stickers and posters? A whole movie with your name in the title and you don't utilize the marketing capabilities?

Not really the savvy I want in a president, guitar skills or no.

12:50 am
Corey: It should be noted that I'm participating from a cabin in the Adirondacks, with no TV and an internet connection built from coat hangers, pine sap and a complex series of cardboard tubes...

The NYTimes online is saying Hillary has California. How nice for her and her creepiness. Sorry, but she reminds me of my mom when she'd catch me smoking pot in the garage.

12:39 am
Corey (Fakerockstar.com): What? Huh? I'm up, I'm up. Primaries? How's David Dukakis doin'?

12:36 am
I just switched from CNN to MSNBC. What's wrong with me? I should have been watching MSNBC all night. They have Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann.

12:02 am
We are the ones that we've been waiting for.
— Barack Obama

11:59 pm
Barack just said something revolutionary by treating threats on our well-being — terrorism and climate change notably — as one. That's really interesting. Never heard anyone put it that way. He's also speaking like he's already the candidate. He's not talking big. It's just the weight of his message. He's not speaking as someone who thinks it's all up on the air. I love that.

11:40 pm
Jesus Christ, John McCain's mother looks great for 96 years old!

11:31 pm
Huckabee has Georgia. Ugh. I never thought I'd find myself rooting for Mitt Romney. (Side bar: Rachel Maddow cracks me up every time she calls Mitt Romney "Mittens.")

11:26 pm
While watching CNN tonight, I've seen clean coal commercials several times and, miraculously enough,I just saw a clean oil commercial. Really? At the risk of being completely naive, I hope Barack Obama wins and asks Al Gore to run with him.

11:12 pm
Here's something else that came up on the show last night. Do you think Barack or Hillary would run in the VP slot with the front runner? The consensus last night seemed to be that they wouldn't, but I disagree. I, frankly, think an Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama ticket would be incredibly strong and great for both of them as well as the country. I do feel that Hillary is a little more "all or nothing" than Barack is, but still...this is ultimately about serving the country, right? Could either of them, in good conscience, turn down an offer to run as VP with the other?

11:01
Ok, that shit just gave me happy feet. Hillary thanked her mom who was born before women were allowed to vote and who was watching her daughter on stage tonight. That's pretty damn awesome. Hillary is way too centrist and establishment for me, but that was ultimately a good speech. Waiting for Barack!!!

10:53 pm
Hillary is speaking. So far she's the only speech to mention the tornados in the south. I like the comments on green solutions and stem cells she just made. It's as though she's decided to try to remind people that she's a liberal. Hillary, be a fucking liberal. Not a politician. Still she seems more genuine than Huckabee. By the way, Huckabee gave a shout out to U of A with a "Roll Tide Roll." I hope all you Auburn alum and students who voted for him remember that.

10:50 pm
I voted for Barack Obama today. I was already planning on voting for him, but I heard one of the best rationales for that vote last night at Shoot the Messenger. Our guest Rachel Maddow spoke about a comment on her Air America blog that stated — I'm paraphrasing — "I'm voting for Barack Obama not because I think he will be completely different from Hillary once he's in office, but because he inspires people." I've been trying to put my finger on what it was, really, about Obama and I think that's it. The first vote I was ever old enough to cast was in 1992 for Bill Clinton and it was because I felt inspired. Did he always represent me properly? Certainly not. But that feeling of casting a vote and knowing that it was part of a change in this country was unequivocal. I'm 15 years older now, hopefully wiser, and I feel that optimism again. I feel that drive to do something, to be a part of something, to make a difference. That may ultimately be the best, the most we can expect from our elected officials. That their example drives us to be our own example.

Ok, so here we are. My home state of Alabama is going for Obama. Way to go, Alabama! I just got off the phone with my friend Lizz, whose home state of Minnesota is going for Obama. Hillary still seems to be ahead but Obama is doing very well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Interestingly, Alabama and Minnesota also went for Huckabee. Huckabee just spoke and I felt like I wanted to tear my own face off. If you look at his speech and the one Romney just delivered, and merely look at the manner of speaking, Huckabee seems completely false and Romney seems genuine...albeit from another planet. I also fine the fear talk from Romney very interesting. For conservatives, it always seems to come back to this idea of fear over losing something that we supposedly once had. Whereas progressives tend to talk about the future, doing better, loving more, learning more, understanding more. That speaks to me. Fear does not.

Other thoughts: McCain is doing really well. My optimism says that if McCain and Obama get the nominatio