Drink Blogging™ the Oscars
11:49pm
My dad would beg to differ on the Best Picture winner. He didn't understand why it ended that way. However, I loved No Country for Old Men. I also loved Michael Clayton. I'm also pretty sure I loved most of the other nominees but I didn't see them.
Also, all the comedians are now making movie names into Bro names...Bro Country for Old Men, There Will Be Bros, etc.
11:47pm
That's it, folks. I'm going to grab a dog and head to bed. G'night everybody, from the icy and drunken state of Maine.
11:47pm
Am I your monkey?
11:46pm
The Coen Brothers rule.
Now I have to go see their movie, I guess.
11:43
I really thought the Coen Brothers were physically attached in some way... Head, Hip... Thumbs. I don't know why, I just did...
11:29pm
So you mean borderline HOT??? Eddie Izzard is hot, so is Daniel Day Lewis.
Also, Adam and Todd Stone, who are identical twins that I had an improv class with were just in a commercial. Everyone's famous except me and my monkey.
11:37pm
Daniel Day Lewis' hair and earrings are borderline Eddie Izzard.
11:34pm
Daniel Day Whatev...
11:32pm
I say upset and Clooney wins.
11:29pm
Someone just yelled during Diablo Cody's speech, "Did she just thank Milosevic? She just THANKED Milosevic?"
Best Actor coming up!!! HOTNESS!
11:17pm
The next Michael Moore movie should be titled: "The people I've loved and the people I've eaten". The boy ain't svelte.
10:55pm
During the acceptance for best song, I overheard both of these comments:
"No, that's not the guy from Simply Red."
"This is the most un-American Oscars ever."
10:42
Man, look at Penelope Cruz. Nothing good ever happens to me.
10:39
Everybody who hasn't left our lame party is either asleep or hugging the cold tile floor in the bathroom. I'm once again alone with my thoughts and my Maker's Mark.
Thank god I have the warm glow of the Interweb. It's Cyberific!
10:30pm
Renee Zellweger is creepy goodness.
10:21pm
What is this song? And why is HOUSE's (and more importantly the BLACK ADDER's) Hugh Laurie singing it?
10:19pm
Parts of the movie Once were filmed at Gritty McDuff's here in Portland. See that, people? My drinking at that "bar" has gotten me one degree from the fucking Oscars. Go flog yerselves, all y'all.
10:14pm
I personally can't wait for the legendary Jack Nicholson. This calls for whiskey.
10:07pm
The Bourne Ultimatum just won for Best Sound Editing. But all I can think about is the horrible sounds the two winners, a mannish woman and a pony-tailed effemi-male, make during what is probably (I'm guessing here) sloppy, confused, and desperate love after a long night of sound Soundtrack Pro mixing.
Also Baron Vaughn is behind me and just said, "Poop, poopy poops." That's how real this real-time blogging is.
Sean
10:06pm
It's because the Transformers aren't real, isn't it?
10:03pm
How many years will Optimus Prime be denied? How many, people?
10:00pm
Ok, everyone who has ever said to me, "Oh my god, you HAVE to see Enchanted...no, I'm serious, it's really, really good. I know you think it's a cheesy musical, but you HAVE to go see it. Really. GO SEE IT!" ...I'm pretty sure you're all mentally deficient. Those two musical numbers were enough to tell me to never, ever see that film.
9:50pm
Sid Gannis just announced a category. I can't tell what because nearby are three of my friends, comedians, talking loudly about how Sid looks like an accountant who's done too well for himself and now thinks people should hear what he has to say on non-accountant-related topics, such as the Oscars.
Full disclosure: I don't really care what he's saying. See, I worked for him as a temp for a few months at Sony in L.A. Tidbit: He hates it when people use the phrase, "no problem," even and especially when it's applicable, such as when your boss, Sid Gannis, asks you to complete a boring and essentially thoughtless task, which is every task you'll be asked to accomplish as a temp at Sony (or anywhere).
Sean posting in red.
9:39pm
I'm watching the Oscars with 10 comedians. I've heard Tilda Swinton referred to as Eric Stoltz 47 times. Yes, she looks like the ass-end of a twelve 9/11 tsunamis...but she rocks in Michael Clayton. So, suck it, funny bones.
Oh, and Eric Slovin is at the Academy Awards...I thought I saw him earlier in the show and now I know for sure. He's a talented New York comic and former writer for SNL. He must be dating that actress from Gone Baby Gone. He once told me he's given up a lot to stay in New York instead of move to LA. That's A+ good in my book.
9:31pm
Isn't August Rush a movie about a little white kid looking for his white parents? Did they just put the gospel choir in there for the nomination?
9:21pm
Javier Bardem looks like every sex dream I've ever had.
And There Will Be Butter is going to be Dana Carvey's come back vehicle.
9:18pm
Thank God it wasn't Casey Affleck.
9:16pm
Casey Affleck? Really?
9:12pm
Carol and I are going to make a movie called "There Will Be Butter", about the first ever diner in the American Heartland. Right, Carol?
9:09pm
Who thought it was a good idea to write a comedy line for The Rock? And by the way, HIS NAME IS THE ROCK. There's no going back, Hollywood. You can't trick us. He's not doing any Merchant Ivory films anytime soon.
9:07pm
He's not The Rock anymore? When the hell did that happen? And why is he fucking presenting at the Oscars?!
8:59pm
Can I ask why the women in Hollywood spend all year trying to distinguish themselves enough to be recognized for an Academy Award, and then show up to the ceremony dressed and styled so that they all look exactly alike? Who are these people?
Amy Adams is embarrassing all humans right now.
8:56pm
"Wait... So she's NOT Charlize Theron?"
"No, She's Katherine Heigl"
"But... She looks.."
"I know. Bit she's not."
"Are you sure?"
8:51pm
A great piece full of past great performers, marred by Celine Dion singing.
8:38pm
You really get the feeling Jon Stewart is playing to a living full of his friends. It's like watching a Thanksgiving play by the short Jewish brother I never had.
Pass the coconut cream pie.
A drunken cheer goes up in the living room for the first Oscar: Costume design. Oh wait, no... The cheer was for the new box of wine.
8:34pm
No one laughed at Jon's joke about Hollywood congratulating itself...perfect.
8:32pm
What the fuck was that?
-Carol (blogging in blue)
8:30pm
Here we go! Cool little CGI intro...
8:28pm
Regis just called Tommy Lee Jones, "Harvey" Lee Jones.
8:01pm
On ABC now. Regis is doing the red carpet show. He's yelling, but yelling with excitement.
I'm a man who loves women and I'll tell ya what... George Clooney is hot. There, I said it.
The only thing sadder than the Paparazzi falling over the celebs on the red carpet, are the poor fans in those red seats. They look the steerage section of a sinking cruise ship, only they're wearing shirts that spell out the name of the folks higher than them on the Socioeconomic stairway to the life boats.
Or something.
Oh good, more wine boxes... We'll be back.
7:53pm
Casey Affleck? Really?
7:46pm
No one else is disturbed that Jason Bateman is in a movie that could win an Oscar? Arrested Development was genius, but Jason Bateman does not equate Academy Award. Sorry, it just don't.
7:40pm
Commercials on E!, Red Flags at the race and two of my guests are feverishly shredding the bladder of the wine box to get to what's left inside.
This party is already a mistake.
7:20pm
The NASCAR race is something called "red flagged" for an apparent accident. There seems to be a bit of disappointment that we missed the crash, because I'm told "that's why we watch".
ANYWAY, the box of wine is already half empty and we're back to E!
P. Diddy is standing on the red carpet, looking like he's posing for photos, but no one seems to care. A bit sad. Evidently Gary Busey accosted Jennifer Garner in some fashion, according to Ryan Seaquest. I wonder if Ben Affleck will try and fight Gary Busey. I'd pay to see that.
Some people are getting nauseous from Mr. Seaquest's quips, so we're going to break and make a wine box run.
7:03pm
Well, everyone's here, we have a full box of wine, Papa John's all meat pizza and we're all in our sleeping bags–Mine is BJ and the Bear! Welcome to life in Maine!
I'm flicking from the NASCAR race, not without protests, and on to E! for some red carpet dish. Ryan Seaquest is interviewing The Rock right now. Someone just called both men a "tool". The lights are off, so I can't see who it was.
It rained in California over the weekend and I'm being told celebrities melt in the rain and the Paparazzi turn to demons, so let's pray for more rain, because that'd be cool to see.
My channel changing powers have suddenly been usurped and we're back to the race. Fortunately, it's also in California, so that's something.
My dad would beg to differ on the Best Picture winner. He didn't understand why it ended that way. However, I loved No Country for Old Men. I also loved Michael Clayton. I'm also pretty sure I loved most of the other nominees but I didn't see them.
Also, all the comedians are now making movie names into Bro names...Bro Country for Old Men, There Will Be Bros, etc.
11:47pm
That's it, folks. I'm going to grab a dog and head to bed. G'night everybody, from the icy and drunken state of Maine.
11:47pm
Am I your monkey?
11:46pm
The Coen Brothers rule.
Now I have to go see their movie, I guess.
11:43
I really thought the Coen Brothers were physically attached in some way... Head, Hip... Thumbs. I don't know why, I just did...
11:29pm
So you mean borderline HOT??? Eddie Izzard is hot, so is Daniel Day Lewis.
Also, Adam and Todd Stone, who are identical twins that I had an improv class with were just in a commercial. Everyone's famous except me and my monkey.
11:37pm
Daniel Day Lewis' hair and earrings are borderline Eddie Izzard.
11:34pm
Daniel Day Whatev...
11:32pm
I say upset and Clooney wins.
11:29pm
Someone just yelled during Diablo Cody's speech, "Did she just thank Milosevic? She just THANKED Milosevic?"
Best Actor coming up!!! HOTNESS!
11:17pm
The next Michael Moore movie should be titled: "The people I've loved and the people I've eaten". The boy ain't svelte.
10:55pm
During the acceptance for best song, I overheard both of these comments:
"No, that's not the guy from Simply Red."
"This is the most un-American Oscars ever."
10:42
Man, look at Penelope Cruz. Nothing good ever happens to me.
10:39
Everybody who hasn't left our lame party is either asleep or hugging the cold tile floor in the bathroom. I'm once again alone with my thoughts and my Maker's Mark.
Thank god I have the warm glow of the Interweb. It's Cyberific!
10:30pm
Renee Zellweger is creepy goodness.
10:21pm
What is this song? And why is HOUSE's (and more importantly the BLACK ADDER's) Hugh Laurie singing it?
10:19pm
Parts of the movie Once were filmed at Gritty McDuff's here in Portland. See that, people? My drinking at that "bar" has gotten me one degree from the fucking Oscars. Go flog yerselves, all y'all.
10:14pm
I personally can't wait for the legendary Jack Nicholson. This calls for whiskey.
10:07pm
The Bourne Ultimatum just won for Best Sound Editing. But all I can think about is the horrible sounds the two winners, a mannish woman and a pony-tailed effemi-male, make during what is probably (I'm guessing here) sloppy, confused, and desperate love after a long night of sound Soundtrack Pro mixing.
Also Baron Vaughn is behind me and just said, "Poop, poopy poops." That's how real this real-time blogging is.
Sean
10:06pm
It's because the Transformers aren't real, isn't it?
10:03pm
How many years will Optimus Prime be denied? How many, people?
10:00pm
Ok, everyone who has ever said to me, "Oh my god, you HAVE to see Enchanted...no, I'm serious, it's really, really good. I know you think it's a cheesy musical, but you HAVE to go see it. Really. GO SEE IT!" ...I'm pretty sure you're all mentally deficient. Those two musical numbers were enough to tell me to never, ever see that film.
9:50pm
Sid Gannis just announced a category. I can't tell what because nearby are three of my friends, comedians, talking loudly about how Sid looks like an accountant who's done too well for himself and now thinks people should hear what he has to say on non-accountant-related topics, such as the Oscars.
Full disclosure: I don't really care what he's saying. See, I worked for him as a temp for a few months at Sony in L.A. Tidbit: He hates it when people use the phrase, "no problem," even and especially when it's applicable, such as when your boss, Sid Gannis, asks you to complete a boring and essentially thoughtless task, which is every task you'll be asked to accomplish as a temp at Sony (or anywhere).
Sean posting in red.
9:39pm
I'm watching the Oscars with 10 comedians. I've heard Tilda Swinton referred to as Eric Stoltz 47 times. Yes, she looks like the ass-end of a twelve 9/11 tsunamis...but she rocks in Michael Clayton. So, suck it, funny bones.
Oh, and Eric Slovin is at the Academy Awards...I thought I saw him earlier in the show and now I know for sure. He's a talented New York comic and former writer for SNL. He must be dating that actress from Gone Baby Gone. He once told me he's given up a lot to stay in New York instead of move to LA. That's A+ good in my book.
9:31pm
Isn't August Rush a movie about a little white kid looking for his white parents? Did they just put the gospel choir in there for the nomination?
9:21pm
Javier Bardem looks like every sex dream I've ever had.
And There Will Be Butter is going to be Dana Carvey's come back vehicle.
9:18pm
Thank God it wasn't Casey Affleck.
9:16pm
Casey Affleck? Really?
9:12pm
Carol and I are going to make a movie called "There Will Be Butter", about the first ever diner in the American Heartland. Right, Carol?
9:09pm
Who thought it was a good idea to write a comedy line for The Rock? And by the way, HIS NAME IS THE ROCK. There's no going back, Hollywood. You can't trick us. He's not doing any Merchant Ivory films anytime soon.
9:07pm
He's not The Rock anymore? When the hell did that happen? And why is he fucking presenting at the Oscars?!
8:59pm
Can I ask why the women in Hollywood spend all year trying to distinguish themselves enough to be recognized for an Academy Award, and then show up to the ceremony dressed and styled so that they all look exactly alike? Who are these people?
Amy Adams is embarrassing all humans right now.
8:56pm
"Wait... So she's NOT Charlize Theron?"
"No, She's Katherine Heigl"
"But... She looks.."
"I know. Bit she's not."
"Are you sure?"
8:51pm
A great piece full of past great performers, marred by Celine Dion singing.
8:38pm
You really get the feeling Jon Stewart is playing to a living full of his friends. It's like watching a Thanksgiving play by the short Jewish brother I never had.
Pass the coconut cream pie.
A drunken cheer goes up in the living room for the first Oscar: Costume design. Oh wait, no... The cheer was for the new box of wine.
8:34pm
No one laughed at Jon's joke about Hollywood congratulating itself...perfect.
8:32pm
What the fuck was that?
-Carol (blogging in blue)
8:30pm
Here we go! Cool little CGI intro...
8:28pm
Regis just called Tommy Lee Jones, "Harvey" Lee Jones.
8:01pm
On ABC now. Regis is doing the red carpet show. He's yelling, but yelling with excitement.
I'm a man who loves women and I'll tell ya what... George Clooney is hot. There, I said it.
The only thing sadder than the Paparazzi falling over the celebs on the red carpet, are the poor fans in those red seats. They look the steerage section of a sinking cruise ship, only they're wearing shirts that spell out the name of the folks higher than them on the Socioeconomic stairway to the life boats.
Or something.
Oh good, more wine boxes... We'll be back.
7:53pm
Casey Affleck? Really?
7:46pm
No one else is disturbed that Jason Bateman is in a movie that could win an Oscar? Arrested Development was genius, but Jason Bateman does not equate Academy Award. Sorry, it just don't.
7:40pm
Commercials on E!, Red Flags at the race and two of my guests are feverishly shredding the bladder of the wine box to get to what's left inside.
This party is already a mistake.
7:20pm
The NASCAR race is something called "red flagged" for an apparent accident. There seems to be a bit of disappointment that we missed the crash, because I'm told "that's why we watch".
ANYWAY, the box of wine is already half empty and we're back to E!
P. Diddy is standing on the red carpet, looking like he's posing for photos, but no one seems to care. A bit sad. Evidently Gary Busey accosted Jennifer Garner in some fashion, according to Ryan Seaquest. I wonder if Ben Affleck will try and fight Gary Busey. I'd pay to see that.
Some people are getting nauseous from Mr. Seaquest's quips, so we're going to break and make a wine box run.
7:03pm
Well, everyone's here, we have a full box of wine, Papa John's all meat pizza and we're all in our sleeping bags–Mine is BJ and the Bear! Welcome to life in Maine!
I'm flicking from the NASCAR race, not without protests, and on to E! for some red carpet dish. Ryan Seaquest is interviewing The Rock right now. Someone just called both men a "tool". The lights are off, so I can't see who it was.
It rained in California over the weekend and I'm being told celebrities melt in the rain and the Paparazzi turn to demons, so let's pray for more rain, because that'd be cool to see.
My channel changing powers have suddenly been usurped and we're back to the race. Fortunately, it's also in California, so that's something.
posted by Fake Rockstar at 7:02 PM
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