HALLOWEEN TIPS FOR WOMEN: WORST SEXY CHARACTERS TO GO AS

1. Sexy Pediatrist (Sexy Podiatrist also unacceptable)

2. Sexy Prostitute

3. Sexy Bea Arthur

4. Sexy Echidna (they have a cloaca. look it up!_)

5. Sexy The Cast of the Accused

6. Sexy Pi

7. Sexy Pie

8. Sexy Stephen Wright (I mean, really think about that one)

9. Sexy Wonder Pet

10. Sexy Cat Nurse Faerie Uma Thurman From Kill Bill Cat



All of these are completely unacceptable. That is all.

END OF LINE.

Best Fan Art Ever.

My Myspace friend Jessica just sent me a couple of awesome collages that she made featuring me. Behold as I appear proudly next to a wolf, kitten, eagle and pegasus.

This is the best piece of fan mail I have received in my life.

A Quick Halloween Moment with Carol

When I was a senior in high school, I dressed up as Jeffrey Dahmer for Halloween. I had a prison jump suit, fake blood, and a severed arm in my pocket. I'm not proud of it...I almost got sent home and later that day I felt really guilty.

However, at least I wasn't dressed as a whore.

Cheers to all you sexy vampires, fairies and veterinarians out there tonight. May you all get the clap.

xoxo,
Carol

Li'l Spencer Halloween Special

Updates for Li'l Spencer have been few and far between lately, but he did give us a little something for this year's Slash Chop and Burn the Dead Day.

Enjoy and Happy Halloween!

-The Drink at Work Team

Check Out Fitzy!

You know our friend Nick Stevens who runs the popular site Townienews.com? Well, he was hired by ESPN a few months ago to follow Monday Night Football around the country, making 3-4 short videos per weekend, revolving around that week's game and NFL hot topics.

The videos have been rolling along, getting better, and better.

If you have a few minutes free check them out at http://www.mondaynightmania.com/ - it will take you to ESPN's Video hub, and from there you can see all the videos, ranging from pranks to NFL Picks to the weekly tailgating throwdown known as "Gate Crashers".

Mimi and Flo: Under The Sink (A Tale of Terror)

If you haven't yet, check out Mimi and Flo. Our friend Mather Zickel's in this episode.

Photos from the First DAW Show at Ochi's Lounge!

Thanks to everyone who came out to our first show at Ochi's Lounge! Here are some great shots taken by our resident photographer, Mindy Tucker.


Sean Crespo


Sean Crespo & Mike Birch


Mark Douglas


Gilad Foss


Katina Corrao & Matt McCarthy


Katina Corrao & Matt McCarthy


Jon Lang


Mark Douglas (Hipster Vampire Comic)


Mark Douglas (Hipster Vampire Comic)


Jon Fisch stopped in from upstairs and did a set (and posed for the camera)

You can see the full size images here and check out more of Mindy's work at withreservation.com.

Burly Sports with Nick Stevens...and a be-Anglo'd Sean Crespo

Find more videos at BurlySports.com

Your Weekly Dose of Spam

An actual email I received and an actual reply I sent back:

From: semache_Weet@hoytt.net
Date: Oct 21, 2007 11:46 AM
Subject: mahab

hello darling neilpadover
everyone says penis pills work so what are you waiting for?
http://lenkks.com/

semache Weet

============================================
Dear Semache,

I'm waiting for you to sweep me off my feet. I'm waiting for
you to tell me that penis size doesn't in fact matter. That you love
me regardless of what everyone else says. So what if they say the
penis pills work? What about us? You and me. Can't we try to make THAT
work first?

If I don't hear from you I will try to contact you via your website.

<3

Neil

Crespo's a Whore For Gamestop

Haulin' the Mail

Time once again, oh beautiful minions of the Internet, for Ask Drink at Work: The somewhat-weekly segment where we answer real-live anthrax-laden letters from real-live nutjobs.

This week's letter comes from the lovely city of Rawlins, Wyoming.

Wyoming: "The one everyone forgets when naming the 50 states"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drink at Work,

My name is Thor Knucklerub. I currently reside at the the Wyoming State Prison, on account of my choppin' my wife up and runnin' her pieces through the dishwasher–Who's doin' the dishes now, bitch?!

Anyway, your site is one of the ten they let us look at (I really miss porn) during our afternoon "Start your own business on the Internet" course. My letter is less of a question and more of a request: If I were to find myself suddenly "free" of these walls, say, tonight at exactly 9:25pm, are you hiring? I have a lady friend in the NYC area that I can hide out with. I'm a funny a guy, about 6 foot 7 inches, with four snake tattoos and HTML/CSS experience.

P.S. Is Crespo as sweet as he looks in his vlogs and pics?

Cheers!

Thor

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Thor,

First, let us say how happy we are that our "laughter for prisoners" program is working out. Success stories like yours are what we can't see on a site traffic report. It's the real people... The little and incarcerated people... That make a difference.

As for your employment request, unfortunately, we have just moved the Drink at Work offices out of Manhattan to an undisclosed location. It would be very very very inconvenient for you to commute to our new offices from the city, what with your having to steal a car on a daily basis and all... May we suggest you try starting a comedy show of your own, preferably at your current residence?

As for Crepso's Sweetness... He wears pajamas with feet and tiny printed teddy bears and sucks on cherry lollipops when he's sad.

Thanks for Asking Drink at Work!

The Drink at Work Team

Sent up the river, but still have a burning question when you pee? Send us an email at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll dispense the Penicillin you've been wantin'...

The Sad State Of Standup Comedy As I See It

I got an email yesterday from someone telling me that attacking other comedians in my work and videos is classless, amateurish and breaks the unwritten code of comedians.

Wait, as a comedian I can make jokes about AIDS, rape, abortion, child molestation, the church, retards, midgets, the President, Britney Spears, Jesus or any combination of these on stage and it's fine.

But I can't make fun of another comedian?

Where in the fuck is the logic in that?

And what kind of ball-less, can't-take-a-joke, heads-up-our-own-asses bullshit circus are we running here if we can mock the entity that supposedly offers our souls eternal salvation when we die but we can't describe some shitty comic's act as trite without incurring the wrath of the comedy tribe's elders.

Fuck that.

If we can make fun of everything else under the sun as comedians we ought to be able to make fun of ourselves and each other once in a while.

If not we're just as big of hypocrites as the politicians, religious leaders and the other scumbags of note whom we ridicule in our acts.

Am I wrong?

Congratulations Anonymous!

Anonymous' last post on the Angry Eyebrows blog was his/her 10,000th post to Drink at Work.com!

Over the years, "Anon", as he/she often prefers, has really set us straight. From the vague three paragraph diatribes analyzing why our site is unfunny, to sharply criticizing our poor work ethic and lackadaisical attitude, you do indeed rock!

Kudos to you, Sir/Ma'am/Miss! We all wish we had life figured out as well as you do. Your confidence and apparent expertise in everything affecting our stay on the blue planet is to be commended. By the very nature of your chosen moniker, you've managed to circumvent any accountability for your actions! For this, we are forever envious.

As a reward, we've arranged a private party for you behind the Drink at Work Woodshed. Bring nothing but your unflappable ego and be there at 5pm sharp.

Oh, and ignore the ticking.


Congrats, Sir/Ma'am/Miss... Congrats.

The Drink at Work Team

Shakespeare for the Masses part 2

Shakespeare's canon is finally shot.

Books I Will Write Someday and Hope to Turn Into Mass Market Movies Guaranteed to Fail part 1

My Mother: the Northwestern Flank of the North Umbrian Cavalry

Cats!: Not the musical or the animal!

Secret Confessions of a Brita Water Filtration System

I Did This Girl Once And She Was Real Hot

Diary of a Memoir

Everyone's A F*cking Critic

After receiving numerous emails and comments this morning regarding my Halloween costume video not being as "good" or "funny" as my previous videos I decided to make this rebuttal video.

I hope it lives up to the high standards that the noble people of the Sovereign Republic Of Myspace hold me and my videos up to.

Sexy Halloween Costume Guide

Even though the Photoshopping is crude and chunky it still took me a million years to make all the pictures for this vlog. So I hope you enjoy it.

I usually hate every video I do but I actually sort of like this one.

Probably because there is a minimal amount of me talking in it.

A Quick Moment With Carol

For the last two weeks I've been in Minneapolis staying at a Ramada Hotel next to the Mall of America (the hotel was known as the Thunderbird until taken over by Ramada). It's a place that's just waiting for a Christopher Guest film to be shot there. One of the coolest things about the hotel (and there are many) is that it has a comedy club called the Joke Joint, run by a very nice guy named Ken. For a hotel comedy club situated between the country's biggest mall and the airport, it was pretty nice. Unfortunately, I only made it to the end of one show during my entire stay there as I was working very long days. And wouldn't you know it...the moment I walk in and hide myself at a booth in the back, the headliner launches into a litany of jokes about Alabama. Seriously. He was performing to 20 Minneapolis drunks in a hotel bar and allowing them to feel like they totally had the intellectual edge over my entire home state.

Once again, comedians, I ask you...please stop with the easy Alabama gags. And if you're going to do one, at least make it specific. We gave you Judge Roy Moore for heaven's sake. Enjoy him.

Conversely, I would like to thank Todd Barry for being possibly the first person to write an inverse Alabama joke. He performed at Bottletree in Birmingham and actually had a great experience. Perish the thought! Thank you, Todd.

One other note about the Joke Joint: while we were there a comedian named Lord Carrett was performing. Lord has fantastic hair and shoes. Though I missed his set, I got to chat with him a little bit after and he turned out to be a very nice guy. He just performed at Invite Them Up last night. Curious to find out how he did.

That's all for now. I know this wasn't funny, but Corey demanded I post something. Apparently, he's carrying Drink at Work these days. Damn fake rock stars.

xoxo,
Carol

Monthly Memo from the drink at work team

Huzzah, loyal Drink at Workers!

Welcome to an official office memo from the home office in Wildwood, NJ!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Jersey: Stop making fun of us... Other places suck, too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

How's everyone? Seriously? Everybody ready for the Holidays? Winter months? Time to break out the whisky, rubber sheets and sexy Santa costume! Ah, memories...

But we digress. Let us move onto the business at hand:

There seems to be confusion over the new coin slots on the restrooms, copier and fire alarm. Folks, this was discussed in length at the last employee happy hour. For those of you too drunk to remember, there was a vote. And you lost.

You want to pee? That's $.50. Need to make a snickers? You'll need an even buck. Copies are .10 per page for official Drink at Work documents and $4.50 a page for any reproduction of a body part not regularly viewed in a normal office setting–Be your own judge. Finally, if you see smoke and flames, call 911 and fish through your change purse. The fire alarm will run you $2.75 in quarters per pull.

Now, we can see you all lighting the torches and readying the angry mob, but before you pillage, please remember why it has come to this: Your Drink at Work Bartenders do not receive dollar one from Drink at Work Conglomocorp, Inc. We produce the funny for nuthin'... Sean Crepso Will Teach You Satire–for free, Carol Hartsell is Only a Man–without a paycheck and Corey Pandolph's Angry Eyebrows are without the expensive pruning they so desperately need. Hell, even Li'l Spencer's evil streak comes to us pro-bono. Why do you think he looks so pissed off all the time?

Why do we do it, then? Because we were all told we'd be paid–someday–and just like those horribly tanking Red Sox, WE BELIEVE. We believe that someday we'll all be rich. We'll remove the coin slots, serve real "meat" in the cafeteria and post regular content in a timely manner. Until that day, however, we have to keep our 60-hour-a-week cleaning jobs at the rendering plant, causing posts to be somewhat sporadic. Sometimes you'll find content to be plentiful and timely. Other times, not so much.

We truly do thank you all for being part of Drink at Work.com. Your long (also unpaid) hours of viewing, commenting and personal attacks give us the angry motivation needed to continue on without rent money.

On a party note, we hope to see you all at Toby the Intern's last day Extravaganza, this Friday at 3:30 in the conference room. He's leaving us for a paying position at Best Buy. Come wish him luck and give him a kick in the teeth for giving up on our dream. There will be a full cash bar and Carol's pumpkin pie.

Remember to always tip your bartender,

The Drink at Work Team.

Fake Rockstar at a Crossroads

"Evidently, I'm a cartoonist. And I'm not very proud of it. I think I'd rather be a REAL Rockstar, or someone who gets paid to name celebrity voices in TV ads (I'm a hoot at parties). But I'm not those things. I'm just a cartoonist..."

Read entire column...

Wait a Minute Mr. Postman, It's Ask Drink at Work!

This week's Ask Drink at Work installment comes to us from the lovely city of Trenton, New Jersey.

New Jersey: Not all of our stuff is plastic.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drink at Work,

If I give you two Hershey bars and Dane Cook's Medulla Oblongata, how many times would you have to drive on the New Jersey Turnpike before you had something resembling a career?

Please show your work.

-Trippin' the live Technicolor Dreamcoat in Trenton

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Trippin',

Here's what we came up with:




Of course, your solve may vary depending on nuts or no nuts in the Hershey bars. Thanks for Asking Drink at Work!


Got a theory, query or question? Email us at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll a-square your b-square.

Jesus vs. The Wheel

I'm telling you, bookshelves for Jesus would be a way better tribute.

Horribly wonderful

I work from home and my office faces the back of our house. Behind my backyard is a total white-trash day care center, complete with a Rottweiler, Dachshund and a sand box they poop in when the kids are inside.

When the kids are outside, its unbearable. They scream just to scream, pushing me to a point when I stick my fat head out the window to yell "Shut the fuck up!".

Today, however, was different...

Somebody nearby was using a nail gun, which in the distance, sounds remarkably like a real live killing gun being fired. Just before I reached the point of bellowing my futile decree from my window, I realized each time the nail gun went off, the kids got quieter. It was just a coincidence of them being called back inside at the exact same time the nail gun was fired, but without turning around to face the window, it sounded exactly like someone was picking off each screaming maggot, one by one.

I was elated and terrified all at once.

Just goes to show that it really is the little things that get us through the day.

Cheers!

Shakespeare for the Masses

Least Popular BACK TO SCHOOL Lunchboxes

The "RUNNING SCARED" lunchbox.

Relive the hijinx of Chicago P.O.'s Ray Hughes and Danny Costanzo with every trip to the cafeteria. Next time a bully picks on you, start singing Michael MacDonald's "Sweet Freedom" at the top of your lungs and then read him his rights...but with that patented RUNNING SCARED cheekiness, "You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a coroner. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you."

Shine sweet freedom, indeed!








The "A Celebration of Backgammon" lunch box.


Your days of being the periphery of attention are over! By sporting the powerfully aphrodisiacal image of a backgammon board on your lunchbox, you've all but consumated the act of getting to first base. But wait...open it up so she or he can see the thermos with a giant checker for a screw-top, and, well, let's just say you'll be taking the afterschool bus home. Cause chances are, with this lunchbox, you'll have earned enough pips to occupy his/her blot all afternoon long...or until your mom shows up. BACKGAMMON!








"Old People: The Lunchbox"


All the fun of the elderly every lunch hour!

We're used to seeing elderly people IN boxes, not on the covers of them. Well, the new "OLD PEOPLE" lunchbox gets all up in your face with its firm stance on Lean Cuisines (pro), its unwaveringly cool attitude about naps, and the always popular and wicked sweet "shawl" look! Now at lunch, you can eat like a real kid or pretend to be old and just "take a few bites" and excuse yourself to go watch the PGA Masters Tournament.







"GLORY DAYS" lunchbox.


Complete with Shattered Dreams thermos shaped like a real business-lunch martini glass!








The "Sean Crespo Will Teach You Webslinging" lunch box.



Sean's obsession with Spiderman comes full circle with his own line of must-have cafeteria paraphenalia.


The lunchbox is also now available with nap-time "Sean and Melinda break-up"-themed quilt for younger students, featuring Sean's other non-Spiderman obsession, his ex-girlfriend Melinda. Downy soft from the cotton-tear blend of fabric used in its manufacturing, there's no subsititute. There's only one so hurry up and order.

BASEBALL IS A WONDERFUL SPORT!

I wish the Yankees a restful and recuperative off-season. In Boston we have a saying regarding fallen foes, "Sux to be you."

We spell many words ending in "cks" with an "x" foor expediency's sake.
Bostonians are poet warrior philosopher kings to a man.

The women also have much to offer.

Boo and hatred

I hate baseball today.

May the bug-infested Cleveland Tribe and the Boston Redneck Sux destroy each other, thus making way for a Colorado Champion.

Go Rockies.

We get F***ing letters

This week's Ask Drink at Work question comes from the embattled city of Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland: "Now we have bugs."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drink at Work,

My uncle claims he has a rash in the shape of Elvis on his right thigh. He’s constantly trying to show it to friends, family and strangers on the street… for free!

Last week, we finally convinced him to set up a viewing booth at the trailer park. He charged $5 a view and $25 dollars a touch. He cleared more in two days than I make at the refinery in three weeks.

Is there anyway to successfully market such a talent? What if the rash fades? What if he forgets to wear underwear to a viewing again, and some unlucky folks go blind from catching a glimpse of his bits and pieces?

Also, what is Crespo made of?

Thanks!

- Chasing a Dream in Cleveland

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Chasing,

Ah, the old "sideshow/no sideshow" debate. We at Drink at Work have answered thousands of letters just like yours. Before we can give you our take on your inquiry, however, we need you to answer a few standard questions about your uncle’s rash. This will help determine if we think you and your uncle are ready to take a plunge into the Great American Entrepreneurial abyss…

1. Which Elvis are we talking about? The young, I’d-take-him-home-even-though-I’m-straight Elvis, or the fat-bloated-sittin’-on-the-thrown-with-Quaaludes-and-a-slab-of-bacon Elvis? The level of sideshow interest will depend greatly on this issue.

2. Does your uncle have any lesser-known physical oddities? Something that could be packaged with the Elvis Rash? Perhaps a third nipple… Or an ear, where his chin/lips should be...

3. What affliction does your uncle have that warrants such a rash? Is it contagious? Did you touch him and then touch this letter, which has now touched all of us in the Drink at Work offices?

4. Do you have a good lawyer?

Think long and hard about your answers. When you’re ready, use a pen and a paper. We are no longer accepting submissions of crayon on crackers.

Good luck, and thanks for asking Drink at Work!

P.S. Sean Crespo is operated by a complex system of ropes, pulleys and broken dreams. His exterior is 85% sugar and 15% melamine.


Looking for a way to make money off a family member's shortcoming? Just have a question that's too embarrassing for TV, but just right for the internet? Email us at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll set you right.

Dan On The Street: Fairfax Flea Market Hipsters & Hatred

In this episode I try to convince an attractive bargain hunter to join me in my unrelenting hatred of hipsters.

She was too nice of a person to really get on board and join in.

Too bad.


P.S. If you really want to go somewhere that will allow you to experience guiltless absolute contempt and loathing for people wearing skinny-legged jeans, t-shirts with neck scarves and $300 sunglasses in 95-degree heat I highly recommend making a pilgrimage to this flea market before you die. It's well worth it.

Find the Funny! feat. DAW's New Video!

Hosted by Ben Walker, Rudy Valdez & Ned Ehrbar

Where: Jimmy's No. 43 - 43 East 7th street (btwn 2nd and 3rd ave.)

When: Friday, Oct 5th @ 8 pm

Cost: FREE!

There will be a screening of DAW's short "24" parody called "ARBITRARY REAL TIME NARRATIVE"

Boing!

If you aren't reading Boing Boing yet, then you need to stop doing horrible healthy things out of doors and get thee to a warm computer screen. For those who don't know, Boing Boing is a directory of wonderful things. I check it every 10 seconds, just like with my email and I'm never disappointed, unlike with my email.

AND! Just when I thought things couldn't get any more wonderful, they now have Boing Boing tv!

Hooray for the internet! It makes my crippling procrastination fun!

Cheers,

FRS

Ask Drink at Work

Here at the Drink at Work offices, we receive more mail than (insert favorite cultural icon) on (insert favorite Holiday, birthday or other). Most of the letters are accolades and legal notices from buxom, adoring fans... Some are spam reserved for Neil's wildly popular Your Weekly Dose of Spam segment... While others come from genuine folks with genuine problems, looking for genuine answers.

Well, The Drink at Work Team is genuinely here for you!

And even though we can't answer every letter personally–although Crespo does try to send everyone who writes a picture of his crank–we can answer the most interesting and pressing questions. It's a piece we like to call, Ask Drink at Work.

Without further explanation, let's get right to it!

This week's letter comes to us from Kansas City, Missouri:


-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Drink at Work,

Yesterday, I killed a homeless man with piano wire. Is it wrong that I want to kill more? Do the homeless even count? Do you think this has anything to do with my finding my wife in bed with my brother last Saturday?

Love your site!

-Stalking Winos in KC
-----------------------------------------------------------


Dear Stalking,

Yes, according to the latest version of Grand Theft Auto, the homeless do indeed, count. While we commend your piano wire-homage to our stereotyped Italian brothers, we all agree your anger would be better served by engaging the homeless in a rousing game of checkers, or "Go fish". Perhaps treat a few of the able-bodied ones to a show or free clinic. We think you'll find these alternatives not only legal, but a welcome quench to your unending thirst for homicide.

We also recommend that you sleep with your brother's wife/partner/significant other and kill his cat/dog/cherished pet.

Good luck and stop writing us,

The Drink at Work team


Looking for answers to your pressing troubles? Throw us an email at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll do our best to energize your life and touch you ever loving soul.

Your Weekly Dose of SPAM

SUBJECT: Gasolineras que Roban en méxico
Reply to: info@profeco.gob.mx

To the contributors, consumers and to the public opinion in general: The Federal Mexican Government has orchestrated a program battle to the fuel robbery having integrated diverse actions in the production chain, distribution and sale.

This document offers a direct approach in the problem of fuel robbery, situation that is not acceptable and must be corrected. For its information we provided to you east document to him with the list of powerboats that have been reviewed and ordered by Address, Number of Powerboat or Trade name.

With a simple search you can know the file verification of the powerboats national level of 2005 the date. Is your powerboat a negrito in the rice?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Dear Unnamed Mexican Vigilante,

I am very sorry to hear about the new program battle that your government is attempting to impose. I can understand that fuel robbery must greatly affect your family’s living conditions and I would love to be of assistance.

Although you said in your e-mail that you had provided me with an “east document” I did not see any attachment in your message. This would make it impossible for me to contact any of the powerboat owners that I assume are stealing your fuel.

Unfortunately as I am not a powerboat owner myself I have no idea whether my powerboat would be a “negrito in the rice.” In the event that I do purchase one though I will be sure to design it in such a way that it possesses the flare and spicy qualities that a true “negrito in the rice” would enjoy (whatever those may be).

Best of luck in your quest against these fuel eating thieves.

And if all else fails I would contact the Mexican police. I hear they’re very helpful in recovering any lost items of value.

Sincerely,
The Drink at Work Team

DIB: Ryan & Ron - The Story Of Us

Ryan and Ron are two comedy buddies who met on a cruise ship while in college.

It's lucky they became comedy partners instead of men's figure skaters I guess.

I'll Fight A Blind Girl With A Knife In The Shower

I love spam.

Drink at Work Hosts Zombieville! -- October 25th

What is Zombieville? : "Zombieville is a monthly variety showcase based on the principle of seizing NYC from the cold dead hands of evil-minded promoters. Zombieville merges the worlds of New York's underground comedy, music and video art while dividing all proceeds fairly between bands and artists alike. Also, there are free cookies."

Click the flyer below for more info: