AVPR made my eyes go deaf: a review
PLEASE NOTE: I WILL SPOIL THIS MOVIE FOR YOU IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE.
If you saw AVP (Alien V. Predator), the first installment of what I'm praying will be at least a billion part series of nearly perfect plotlessnesses, and had the same lingering questions about the characters and storyline that I did...
EX: What happened to that half-dissolved corpse in the air vent?
EX: Why do all of the Predators' nets cut like knives and how do you sharpen rope?
EX: Why is the Predator fighting Alien? Isn't bigotry the real enemy?
...well fear no more! For all your questions will be answered in AVPR or "Alien V. Predator Requiem." And the sequel to this crown jewel in the alternate universus genre tentatively titled AVPCID or "Alien V. Predator Canon in D" will in turn, I most deeply pray, answer all the questions I had left after watching AVPR, plot of which is surmised by IMDB thus:
The Predator scout ship from the first AVP movie crash lands in a Colorado town after being taken over by the Pred-Alien that was spawned at the end of the first movie. The Aliens on board escape while all Predators are killed. A Predator from the Predator home world becomes aware of the crash and embarks alone on a mission to destroy all the Aliens. Meanwhile the townspeople are helplessly caught in the middle of the face-off between these two alien races. The situation escalates, leading to the military dropping a nuclear bomb on the town, killing all humans and presumably all aliens. The few human survivors, who made a narrow escape in a helicopter, deliver a captured Predator weapon to the military...
EX: What kind of government do these Predators even have anyway?
EX: They've always gone to the massive trouble of hiding their existence from humans by destroying any technology or bodies left behind on earth--as well they should since it's clear our people are not ready for Knife Ropes. Can you imagine the horrors the Eagle Scouts could inflict? I need say no more.--so when one of their ships crashes on earth because a single Alien took out an entire crew Predators, the Predator nation sends out one frigging guy?
EX: One guy?
EX: These Aliens have never lost. The Predators had to blow up that pyramid in AVP cause they got their interstellar hats handed to them by the Aliens. Was this one guy supposed to be their Remo Williams, so bad ass he doesn't need a sequel to get it all done?
EX: Or maybe since there was no larger response, is it possible the specific Predators in AVP and AVPR are the juiced up, tech'd- out equivalent of the kind of earth bound, redneck dickfarts who get some money and the first thing they do with it besides buying lotto tix is to travel the globe, shooting rare species like Black Rhinos from airship gun turrets, mounting the heads on their nicotine-stained stucco walls as if they actually earned these trophies by fighting formidably dangerous species?
EX: Or is the Predator world basically just entire planet of alien Libertarians?
EX: Maybe there was no concerted response because their civilization peaked long ago and is now slowly regressing to pre-space flight levels of complexity, now just a loose conglomerate of feudal style mini-nation-states ala what would happen if Libertarians ever really got their insane way?
EX: Or maybe they've always been like that. Maybe they never believed in public services like a police force or disaster relief but somehow discovered space flight anyway?
EX: Tough to believe because if so, presumably some Predator-scientist in the distant past was wealthy enough to afford the ridiculous cost of individually, with no fiscal help from a body politic, exploring space and researching and developing the manipulation of space-time? A veritable Andrew Carnegie but with metal dreadlocks and infra-red vision!
EX: And finally... should we ask news outlets to use ironic quotes when referring to "Governor" Schwarzenegger or would that hurt his feelings?
Ok I guess I had a lot of questions. Maybe I did get suckered in to liking the movie just a bit. And maybe I'm ashamed.
Or wait...maybe my experience wasn't cause for head-hanging but instead a bona fide Christmas Miracle! And instead of grace and wisdom, I was bequeathed the gift of a shitty movie being made slightly less shitty.
Jesus really does save.
Anyway, here's my review of AVPR: As awful as you'd expect but not quiiiite as bad merely because of the slightly lengthier peak into the world of the Predators who are possibly Libertarians but maybe just hyper-advanced rednecks. The music playing during the closing credits however might be the worst crime ever committed against sound. I'll even go out on a limb and guess that the score may have Downe's Syndrome itself since it seems to be the result of a very happy simpleton just banging a timpani over and over again. Buy the score an ice cream and find out for me, would ya?
Merry Happy, America.
If you saw AVP (Alien V. Predator), the first installment of what I'm praying will be at least a billion part series of nearly perfect plotlessnesses, and had the same lingering questions about the characters and storyline that I did...
EX: What happened to that half-dissolved corpse in the air vent?
EX: Why do all of the Predators' nets cut like knives and how do you sharpen rope?
EX: Why is the Predator fighting Alien? Isn't bigotry the real enemy?
...well fear no more! For all your questions will be answered in AVPR or "Alien V. Predator Requiem." And the sequel to this crown jewel in the alternate universus genre tentatively titled AVPCID or "Alien V. Predator Canon in D" will in turn, I most deeply pray, answer all the questions I had left after watching AVPR, plot of which is surmised by IMDB thus:
The Predator scout ship from the first AVP movie crash lands in a Colorado town after being taken over by the Pred-Alien that was spawned at the end of the first movie. The Aliens on board escape while all Predators are killed. A Predator from the Predator home world becomes aware of the crash and embarks alone on a mission to destroy all the Aliens. Meanwhile the townspeople are helplessly caught in the middle of the face-off between these two alien races. The situation escalates, leading to the military dropping a nuclear bomb on the town, killing all humans and presumably all aliens. The few human survivors, who made a narrow escape in a helicopter, deliver a captured Predator weapon to the military...
EX: What kind of government do these Predators even have anyway?
EX: They've always gone to the massive trouble of hiding their existence from humans by destroying any technology or bodies left behind on earth--as well they should since it's clear our people are not ready for Knife Ropes. Can you imagine the horrors the Eagle Scouts could inflict? I need say no more.--so when one of their ships crashes on earth because a single Alien took out an entire crew Predators, the Predator nation sends out one frigging guy?
EX: One guy?
EX: These Aliens have never lost. The Predators had to blow up that pyramid in AVP cause they got their interstellar hats handed to them by the Aliens. Was this one guy supposed to be their Remo Williams, so bad ass he doesn't need a sequel to get it all done?
EX: Or maybe since there was no larger response, is it possible the specific Predators in AVP and AVPR are the juiced up, tech'd- out equivalent of the kind of earth bound, redneck dickfarts who get some money and the first thing they do with it besides buying lotto tix is to travel the globe, shooting rare species like Black Rhinos from airship gun turrets, mounting the heads on their nicotine-stained stucco walls as if they actually earned these trophies by fighting formidably dangerous species?
EX: Or is the Predator world basically just entire planet of alien Libertarians?
EX: Maybe there was no concerted response because their civilization peaked long ago and is now slowly regressing to pre-space flight levels of complexity, now just a loose conglomerate of feudal style mini-nation-states ala what would happen if Libertarians ever really got their insane way?
EX: Or maybe they've always been like that. Maybe they never believed in public services like a police force or disaster relief but somehow discovered space flight anyway?
EX: Tough to believe because if so, presumably some Predator-scientist in the distant past was wealthy enough to afford the ridiculous cost of individually, with no fiscal help from a body politic, exploring space and researching and developing the manipulation of space-time? A veritable Andrew Carnegie but with metal dreadlocks and infra-red vision!
EX: And finally... should we ask news outlets to use ironic quotes when referring to "Governor" Schwarzenegger or would that hurt his feelings?
Ok I guess I had a lot of questions. Maybe I did get suckered in to liking the movie just a bit. And maybe I'm ashamed.
Or wait...maybe my experience wasn't cause for head-hanging but instead a bona fide Christmas Miracle! And instead of grace and wisdom, I was bequeathed the gift of a shitty movie being made slightly less shitty.
Jesus really does save.
Anyway, here's my review of AVPR: As awful as you'd expect but not quiiiite as bad merely because of the slightly lengthier peak into the world of the Predators who are possibly Libertarians but maybe just hyper-advanced rednecks. The music playing during the closing credits however might be the worst crime ever committed against sound. I'll even go out on a limb and guess that the score may have Downe's Syndrome itself since it seems to be the result of a very happy simpleton just banging a timpani over and over again. Buy the score an ice cream and find out for me, would ya?
Merry Happy, America.
posted by The Crespo at 12:23 AM
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