We get F***ing letters

This week's Ask Drink at Work question comes from the embattled city of Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland: "Now we have bugs."

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Dear Drink at Work,

My uncle claims he has a rash in the shape of Elvis on his right thigh. He’s constantly trying to show it to friends, family and strangers on the street… for free!

Last week, we finally convinced him to set up a viewing booth at the trailer park. He charged $5 a view and $25 dollars a touch. He cleared more in two days than I make at the refinery in three weeks.

Is there anyway to successfully market such a talent? What if the rash fades? What if he forgets to wear underwear to a viewing again, and some unlucky folks go blind from catching a glimpse of his bits and pieces?

Also, what is Crespo made of?

Thanks!

- Chasing a Dream in Cleveland

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Dear Chasing,

Ah, the old "sideshow/no sideshow" debate. We at Drink at Work have answered thousands of letters just like yours. Before we can give you our take on your inquiry, however, we need you to answer a few standard questions about your uncle’s rash. This will help determine if we think you and your uncle are ready to take a plunge into the Great American Entrepreneurial abyss…

1. Which Elvis are we talking about? The young, I’d-take-him-home-even-though-I’m-straight Elvis, or the fat-bloated-sittin’-on-the-thrown-with-Quaaludes-and-a-slab-of-bacon Elvis? The level of sideshow interest will depend greatly on this issue.

2. Does your uncle have any lesser-known physical oddities? Something that could be packaged with the Elvis Rash? Perhaps a third nipple… Or an ear, where his chin/lips should be...

3. What affliction does your uncle have that warrants such a rash? Is it contagious? Did you touch him and then touch this letter, which has now touched all of us in the Drink at Work offices?

4. Do you have a good lawyer?

Think long and hard about your answers. When you’re ready, use a pen and a paper. We are no longer accepting submissions of crayon on crackers.

Good luck, and thanks for asking Drink at Work!

P.S. Sean Crespo is operated by a complex system of ropes, pulleys and broken dreams. His exterior is 85% sugar and 15% melamine.


Looking for a way to make money off a family member's shortcoming? Just have a question that's too embarrassing for TV, but just right for the internet? Email us at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll set you right.