Monthly Memo from the drink at work team
Huzzah, loyal Drink at Workers!
Welcome to an official office memo from the home office in Wildwood, NJ!
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New Jersey: Stop making fun of us... Other places suck, too.
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How's everyone? Seriously? Everybody ready for the Holidays? Winter months? Time to break out the whisky, rubber sheets and sexy Santa costume! Ah, memories...
But we digress. Let us move onto the business at hand:
There seems to be confusion over the new coin slots on the restrooms, copier and fire alarm. Folks, this was discussed in length at the last employee happy hour. For those of you too drunk to remember, there was a vote. And you lost.
You want to pee? That's $.50. Need to make a snickers? You'll need an even buck. Copies are .10 per page for official Drink at Work documents and $4.50 a page for any reproduction of a body part not regularly viewed in a normal office setting–Be your own judge. Finally, if you see smoke and flames, call 911 and fish through your change purse. The fire alarm will run you $2.75 in quarters per pull.
Now, we can see you all lighting the torches and readying the angry mob, but before you pillage, please remember why it has come to this: Your Drink at Work Bartenders do not receive dollar one from Drink at Work Conglomocorp, Inc. We produce the funny for nuthin'... Sean Crepso Will Teach You Satire–for free, Carol Hartsell is Only a Man–without a paycheck and Corey Pandolph's Angry Eyebrows are without the expensive pruning they so desperately need. Hell, even Li'l Spencer's evil streak comes to us pro-bono. Why do you think he looks so pissed off all the time?
Why do we do it, then? Because we were all told we'd be paid–someday–and just like those horribly tanking Red Sox, WE BELIEVE. We believe that someday we'll all be rich. We'll remove the coin slots, serve real "meat" in the cafeteria and post regular content in a timely manner. Until that day, however, we have to keep our 60-hour-a-week cleaning jobs at the rendering plant, causing posts to be somewhat sporadic. Sometimes you'll find content to be plentiful and timely. Other times, not so much.
We truly do thank you all for being part of Drink at Work.com. Your long (also unpaid) hours of viewing, commenting and personal attacks give us the angry motivation needed to continue on without rent money.
On a party note, we hope to see you all at Toby the Intern's last day Extravaganza, this Friday at 3:30 in the conference room. He's leaving us for a paying position at Best Buy. Come wish him luck and give him a kick in the teeth for giving up on our dream. There will be a full cash bar and Carol's pumpkin pie.
Remember to always tip your bartender,
The Drink at Work Team.
Welcome to an official office memo from the home office in Wildwood, NJ!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Jersey: Stop making fun of us... Other places suck, too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How's everyone? Seriously? Everybody ready for the Holidays? Winter months? Time to break out the whisky, rubber sheets and sexy Santa costume! Ah, memories...
But we digress. Let us move onto the business at hand:
There seems to be confusion over the new coin slots on the restrooms, copier and fire alarm. Folks, this was discussed in length at the last employee happy hour. For those of you too drunk to remember, there was a vote. And you lost.
You want to pee? That's $.50. Need to make a snickers? You'll need an even buck. Copies are .10 per page for official Drink at Work documents and $4.50 a page for any reproduction of a body part not regularly viewed in a normal office setting–Be your own judge. Finally, if you see smoke and flames, call 911 and fish through your change purse. The fire alarm will run you $2.75 in quarters per pull.
Now, we can see you all lighting the torches and readying the angry mob, but before you pillage, please remember why it has come to this: Your Drink at Work Bartenders do not receive dollar one from Drink at Work Conglomocorp, Inc. We produce the funny for nuthin'... Sean Crepso Will Teach You Satire–for free, Carol Hartsell is Only a Man–without a paycheck and Corey Pandolph's Angry Eyebrows are without the expensive pruning they so desperately need. Hell, even Li'l Spencer's evil streak comes to us pro-bono. Why do you think he looks so pissed off all the time?
Why do we do it, then? Because we were all told we'd be paid–someday–and just like those horribly tanking Red Sox, WE BELIEVE. We believe that someday we'll all be rich. We'll remove the coin slots, serve real "meat" in the cafeteria and post regular content in a timely manner. Until that day, however, we have to keep our 60-hour-a-week cleaning jobs at the rendering plant, causing posts to be somewhat sporadic. Sometimes you'll find content to be plentiful and timely. Other times, not so much.
We truly do thank you all for being part of Drink at Work.com. Your long (also unpaid) hours of viewing, commenting and personal attacks give us the angry motivation needed to continue on without rent money.
On a party note, we hope to see you all at Toby the Intern's last day Extravaganza, this Friday at 3:30 in the conference room. He's leaving us for a paying position at Best Buy. Come wish him luck and give him a kick in the teeth for giving up on our dream. There will be a full cash bar and Carol's pumpkin pie.
Remember to always tip your bartender,
The Drink at Work Team.
posted by Fake Rockstar at 8:57 AM
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