Ask Drink at Work
Here at the Drink at Work offices, we receive more mail than (insert favorite cultural icon) on (insert favorite Holiday, birthday or other). Most of the letters are accolades and legal notices from buxom, adoring fans... Some are spam reserved for Neil's wildly popular Your Weekly Dose of Spam segment... While others come from genuine folks with genuine problems, looking for genuine answers.
Well, The Drink at Work Team is genuinely here for you!
And even though we can't answer every letter personally–although Crespo does try to send everyone who writes a picture of his crank–we can answer the most interesting and pressing questions. It's a piece we like to call, Ask Drink at Work.
Without further explanation, let's get right to it!
This week's letter comes to us from Kansas City, Missouri:
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Dear Drink at Work,
Yesterday, I killed a homeless man with piano wire. Is it wrong that I want to kill more? Do the homeless even count? Do you think this has anything to do with my finding my wife in bed with my brother last Saturday?
Love your site!
-Stalking Winos in KC
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Dear Stalking,
Yes, according to the latest version of Grand Theft Auto, the homeless do indeed, count. While we commend your piano wire-homage to our stereotyped Italian brothers, we all agree your anger would be better served by engaging the homeless in a rousing game of checkers, or "Go fish". Perhaps treat a few of the able-bodied ones to a show or free clinic. We think you'll find these alternatives not only legal, but a welcome quench to your unending thirst for homicide.
We also recommend that you sleep with your brother's wife/partner/significant other and kill his cat/dog/cherished pet.
Good luck and stop writing us,
The Drink at Work team
Looking for answers to your pressing troubles? Throw us an email at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll do our best to energize your life and touch you ever loving soul.
Well, The Drink at Work Team is genuinely here for you!
And even though we can't answer every letter personally–although Crespo does try to send everyone who writes a picture of his crank–we can answer the most interesting and pressing questions. It's a piece we like to call, Ask Drink at Work.
Without further explanation, let's get right to it!
This week's letter comes to us from Kansas City, Missouri:
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Drink at Work,
Yesterday, I killed a homeless man with piano wire. Is it wrong that I want to kill more? Do the homeless even count? Do you think this has anything to do with my finding my wife in bed with my brother last Saturday?
Love your site!
-Stalking Winos in KC
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Stalking,
Yes, according to the latest version of Grand Theft Auto, the homeless do indeed, count. While we commend your piano wire-homage to our stereotyped Italian brothers, we all agree your anger would be better served by engaging the homeless in a rousing game of checkers, or "Go fish". Perhaps treat a few of the able-bodied ones to a show or free clinic. We think you'll find these alternatives not only legal, but a welcome quench to your unending thirst for homicide.
We also recommend that you sleep with your brother's wife/partner/significant other and kill his cat/dog/cherished pet.
Good luck and stop writing us,
The Drink at Work team
Looking for answers to your pressing troubles? Throw us an email at askdaw@drinkatwork.com. We'll do our best to energize your life and touch you ever loving soul.
posted by Fake Rockstar at 2:03 PM
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