No promises...this is going to suck...but dammit, I wrote something!
It's 12:03, I'm a little tipsy from wine, and I've been staring at two computer screens for thirteen hours. This isn't thought out and I'll probably be embarrassed by it tomorrow — for instance, I just typed "tit" instead of "it"...a near miss — but it occurs to me that I haven't written anything thoughtful or personal or just emotional willy-nilly on here in ages for a couple of reasons. The top two: 1) I've been going through personal "stuff" and 2) I've been too god-danged busy.
And number two is what brings me to the only reason I am writing this now. I realized something about two minutes ago. While I was waiting for a five second clip to render in Final Cut Pro, I took a quick look at Myspace and found two things: 1) my friend's band's name has changed and I didn't know anything about it; and 2) a friend of mine posted a friendly comment on the myspace page of someone I have heretofore considered an enemy (but have lately been thinking of talking to). I didn't even know they were really friends.
Ok, so I realized two things in that five minutes of stolen time that I used for nothing important. (And now I realize I've broken everything out into "twos" in this post, something I would correct if I weren't a teensy bit snokered and pressed for time: 1) I'm petty and not the best friend a person could have these days because I'm distracted and overworked. 2) I understand now why women are more reticent than men to absorb themselves in work.
We need to be thought of. We need to be a V.I.P. to a lot of people. If we find that someone, especially another woman, who hasn't logged the friend time that we have is currently M.I. (more important) to someone who is V.I.P. but currently O.O.T. (out of touch) D.T.O.O.S.B.F. (due to our own shitty, busy fault) we can't take it. Maybe I shouldn't be saying we. I should just drop the illusion and say I.
I.
SUCK.
Yes, I am busy. But I could take a moment to write an email, make a call, send a damn text. I'm taking a moment to blog right now aren't I? But I tend to not do those things when I'm absorbed in a project. Plus, because of the first point from way back, I feel mildly entitled to my introversion...but that doesn't mean I want to stop being incredibly important to all of those people I've been being a crap friend to. Meanwhile, life goes on, other people spend more time with the people I used to spend a lot of time with, and I fade.
I've been shooting and editing videos for various projects for the last two months, non-stop. I'm working out of my office, i.e. my walk-in closet that I made into an office, and the only person I see to any acceptable degree is my boyfriend...oh yeah, hello world, I have a boyfriend. (How did I manage that, you ask? Simple...we work on everything together...that's the only way I have time.*) I think I'm going a little bit dodgy in the head...my dreams are about render files, video layers, and splitting tracks.
In some ways, I miss my old life. It was simple: I went to work, I saw friends, we hung out, we drank, we went to movies and we had fun. Now I'm a working artist and the owner of my own business. That's great. I feel I have few friends left and no one but myself to blame. Life doesn't wait for you to focus on what you want to do with it. But quiet desperation when it comes to my career was never going to work. If I lose people, or simply become number three or four in their list of folks to call for a movie, I guess I have to accept that. But I just want them to know I still love them and I hope they still love me.
Here's one piece of wisdom I've gleaned from the last year: serious break-ups destroy everything you had in common. Those mutual friends may stay your friends, but you have to reinvent those friendships. It's a terrible gut-wrenching process and you WILL lose people...either because you didn't reach out or because they didn't or both...and you'll hate yourself and at your weakest moments you'll hate your friends. There's no part of it that's simple. And if you happen to be changing your career and your home at the same time...well, just close your eyes and think of England.
That's why I've been watching Coupling lately. The giggle-loop...HA! My life has been a moment's silence for someone who's died and I can't help but laughing.
xoxo,
Carol
*I feel guilty. He's not my boyfriend only because we work together. He's lovely. He's a good man and I'm a good woman with him. He makes me want to be a better...oh shut up, Carol.
And number two is what brings me to the only reason I am writing this now. I realized something about two minutes ago. While I was waiting for a five second clip to render in Final Cut Pro, I took a quick look at Myspace and found two things: 1) my friend's band's name has changed and I didn't know anything about it; and 2) a friend of mine posted a friendly comment on the myspace page of someone I have heretofore considered an enemy (but have lately been thinking of talking to). I didn't even know they were really friends.
Ok, so I realized two things in that five minutes of stolen time that I used for nothing important. (And now I realize I've broken everything out into "twos" in this post, something I would correct if I weren't a teensy bit snokered and pressed for time: 1) I'm petty and not the best friend a person could have these days because I'm distracted and overworked. 2) I understand now why women are more reticent than men to absorb themselves in work.
We need to be thought of. We need to be a V.I.P. to a lot of people. If we find that someone, especially another woman, who hasn't logged the friend time that we have is currently M.I. (more important) to someone who is V.I.P. but currently O.O.T. (out of touch) D.T.O.O.S.B.F. (due to our own shitty, busy fault) we can't take it. Maybe I shouldn't be saying we. I should just drop the illusion and say I.
I.
SUCK.
Yes, I am busy. But I could take a moment to write an email, make a call, send a damn text. I'm taking a moment to blog right now aren't I? But I tend to not do those things when I'm absorbed in a project. Plus, because of the first point from way back, I feel mildly entitled to my introversion...but that doesn't mean I want to stop being incredibly important to all of those people I've been being a crap friend to. Meanwhile, life goes on, other people spend more time with the people I used to spend a lot of time with, and I fade.
I've been shooting and editing videos for various projects for the last two months, non-stop. I'm working out of my office, i.e. my walk-in closet that I made into an office, and the only person I see to any acceptable degree is my boyfriend...oh yeah, hello world, I have a boyfriend. (How did I manage that, you ask? Simple...we work on everything together...that's the only way I have time.*) I think I'm going a little bit dodgy in the head...my dreams are about render files, video layers, and splitting tracks.
In some ways, I miss my old life. It was simple: I went to work, I saw friends, we hung out, we drank, we went to movies and we had fun. Now I'm a working artist and the owner of my own business. That's great. I feel I have few friends left and no one but myself to blame. Life doesn't wait for you to focus on what you want to do with it. But quiet desperation when it comes to my career was never going to work. If I lose people, or simply become number three or four in their list of folks to call for a movie, I guess I have to accept that. But I just want them to know I still love them and I hope they still love me.
Here's one piece of wisdom I've gleaned from the last year: serious break-ups destroy everything you had in common. Those mutual friends may stay your friends, but you have to reinvent those friendships. It's a terrible gut-wrenching process and you WILL lose people...either because you didn't reach out or because they didn't or both...and you'll hate yourself and at your weakest moments you'll hate your friends. There's no part of it that's simple. And if you happen to be changing your career and your home at the same time...well, just close your eyes and think of England.
That's why I've been watching Coupling lately. The giggle-loop...HA! My life has been a moment's silence for someone who's died and I can't help but laughing.
xoxo,
Carol
*I feel guilty. He's not my boyfriend only because we work together. He's lovely. He's a good man and I'm a good woman with him. He makes me want to be a better...oh shut up, Carol.
posted by Carol at 12:03 AM
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4 Comments:
it is a pleasure to read your writing again.
Your vlogs are tremendously fun and sharp - but it is great to be reading hartsellian prose again. Your stuff always makes me a little sad ... in the loveliest possible way.
Could not help but think that "I'm just a woman" could have been the title of this one.
In my experience people who reflect on their friendships with as much insight as you do are usually much better friends than they give themselves credit for.
Thomas Gylling, Copenhagen, Denmark
Thomas...you are 100% correct. She's been a buried treasure for too long and has finally come to light.
Thank goodness for all of us.
sean
i see you ...
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