What's HIS Deal?

It's a slow day, so, yeah, we're watching Deal or No Deal at work.

I won't get into why (primarily because we don't have that Baseball Extra Innings package), but rest assured that the show is making me as simultaneously depressed and amused as it does when I watch it at home...

I could blog for hours about how the show is a microcosm of every single thing that's wrong with human nature.

And I could marvel at Howie Mandel's phoenix-like rise from the celebrity ashes.

But instead, I'm here to dare to ask the question:

What's up with "that guy"?

If you've seen the show, you know the one I'm talking about.

[In case you haven't, let me get you up to speed: Deal or No Deal is basically a test of whether people can add and then divide really big numbers, compare that result with another number computed by a "banker", and make a rational decision while a wall of hot chicks stare at them and Howie Mandel taunts them.]

I typically hate to generalize, but from what I can tell, the hapless (but charismatic) contestant always seems to be joined by the same three people in that friends-and-family part of the show:

• His sibling/cousin who is psyched to be on TV and repeatedly notes that he or she has plenty of fond memories from their summers growing up
• The awkward neighbor/co-worker who clearly bought nice clothes for the first time in a long time (just for the occasion!) and is never sure what to say
• That guy

And each has his or her own strengths:

• The family member has a fantastic smile, homespun Middle American wisdom and cautious pleas along the lines of "$128,000 is a lot of money, Carl, and Suzy really needs that operation..."
• The neighbor/co-worker is great at confusing the contestant with their deafening apathetic silence, all the while shuffling nervously and wearing that concerned expression that screams, "Do these flat-front khakis make my crotch look funny?"
• "That guy"... Um... "That guy"...

OK, who needs enemies when you've got friends like "that guy"?

Don't get me wrong, "that guy" is typically the contestant's best friend in the whole world.

We're talking BFF shit here...

• All the inside jokes/personal references (think: "how sweet is the lake house gonna be with a keg-o-rator!")
• Unspoken "ohh, yeah" nods (distracting the contestant from his sister's equally silent tears)
• And easy challenges to the contestant's manhood whenever he thinks of taking the money off the table ("Arkansas boys never say die!")

And "that guy" doesn't even need to be a guy!

He can, in our modern times and/or in the spirit of gender-neutral grammar, even be a she.

Oh, the BFF content changes slightly when "that guy" is a she (although I don't know of a man or woman alive who wouldn't want a keg-o-rator at the lake house), but "that guy" is doing the same thing, regardless of his/her gender.

(As an aside, my apologies to the womyn in the audience who still take offense because I was taught proper, gender-neutral grammar. No offence intended by my Old School style. I mean, I didn't even point out how contrived the alternatives are! And I know - it's not a girls' school without men, it's a women's college without boys...)

Where were we?

Oh yeah.

Now I am certain the producers love "that guy" - s/he's (see! contrived!) exactly the kind of irrational force that can numb the able contestant's ability to divide a simple sum of unique dollar values by 13 to determine expected value.

And the audience loves "that guy" - I know I do - because he's loud, he does fist pumps, and we all know someone like him.

Hell, I've been "that guy" more times than I care to recall...

Which brings me to my point (seriously, I had one) - I would be pleased as punch if the show had a special segment whenever anyone loses (i.e., after every show) that gives a retrospective of all of the truly shitty advice "that guy" had also given the contestant at key moments in his life.

I'd TiVo it - it'd make a great drinking game, and I am sure there would be some hum-dingers, from every facet of the contestant's life!

Things like...

• "Why are you so worked up about a stupid final? I just scored a dime bag and two tickets to Iron Fucking Maiden!"
• "I'm pretty sure her boyfriend is passed out upstairs - go for it!"
• "I bet you $200 you won't order a tequila shot during that lunch interview..."
• "Come on - let's drop into this strip club before we meet the girls. Glitter washes off!"
• "I'll spot you $1000. Now put it on the motherfucking table - you can't lose with that hand!"

And those are actual examples people I already know!

[Fear not, loyal reader. My "that guy" moments will be the subject of an entire future entry after a few festive brunch beverages...]

Now, bear in mind, "that guy" gets hurt just as much as our poor contestant.

Just now on Deal or No Deal, I watched "that guy" talk a guy out of taking $150,000 (expected value $166,703.33, btw) with a plea along the lines of, "go for it! How great is that new pool room gonna be with a full bar?"

[The contestant had $500,000, $100 and $10 on the board.]

Then, just to add emphasis, "that guy" actually did say, "Arkansas boys never say die!"

Sure the contestant needed $100,000 to settle some debts and move out of his sister's house.

But "that guy" was there to remind him - pool rooms pull wool!

Our noble contestant ended the game with the $10 case.

I'm assuming he still lives with his sister (who, incidentally, served as the always-ignored family member, standing right next to "that guy" as more than a hundred grand evaporated in the opening of a case) - unless, of course, she killed him and his friend when they left the show.

But, seriously, how much does it suck to be "that guy"?

Well, I can tell you from experience.

It does.

But I can also tell you, it all made sense at the time.