Presidential Candidate MYSPACE pages: this is real
That's right, people, distant-far-Right distant-presidential hopeful Sam Brownback from Kansas--the state whose motto is either "The Irrational Extremist State" or "First in Assholes"...one of those--has a myspace profile. I finally acknowledged that I had seen these politico profiles a while back but had been denying them, up until I heard two coworkers last week talking about Mitt Romney's page. At first I thought it was just a cute little gag by some myspace quacks. I guess I was just hoping.
So what does Sam have to say about his li'l old Bible-thumping, hate-mongering self? Well, according to the quote next to his profile picture, his is "The Official Sam Brownback Myspace." You tell 'em Sam! It's the Official Sam Brownback Myspace, damn it! Not the Official Sam Brownback Myspace Page. All of myspace is now Sam's apparently. And how did he manage to do that, people?
I'll tell you how: the benefits of a wrathful God and an unregulated free market working in concert, both of whom only Republicans can see apparently...kind of like an ideology-based Harvey!
Anyway, Sam describes himself as a William Wilberforce Republican, in commemoration of the 18th century British parliamentarian who made it his goal to abolish slavery. Sam commemorates Will's achievement by pushing for economic policies that would make slaves of anyone not lucky enough to be born into wealth. I'm sure he means well though. So that's something.
Check out the rest of Sam's profile, chock full of all the things you never wanted to know about someone you never thought this country would ever be dysfunctional enough to even entertain as a candidate for the executive office. And yet...here we are.
Look, some of the below profile is fabricated...I admit...but much of it isn't. And what is fabricated, really isn't that far from the truth. Think of my add-ons the same way a woman uses make-up...they're only accentuating what's already there.
THIS PROFILE MADE PRETTY BY ME:
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Status: Married
Here for: Networking, Friends, Hummel Trading
Orientation: Bisymmetrical (har har, just kidding, I hate gays)
Hometown: Topeka, Kansas
Religion: Very Catholic
Zodiac Sign: The Pope
Children: 350 million per ejaculation
Education: Bible study
Occupation: zealot
Favorite Circles: 2,5, and 8
INTERESTS:
General
My family, your family (especially your family), farming, your family's farming (I stand by my belief that uprooting vegetables shaped like the heads of dead presidents and celebrities is also murder), skeet shooting, salsa dancing, redefining human life as anything made of 1 cell or more, jogging, fishing, emulating Christ via tax breaks to the wealthy, basketball, fellowship groups, reading, pushing draconian domestic and foreign policy intitiatives, children.
Music
Stryper, Journey's Don't Stop Believing, Kansas.
Movies
Star Wars (I felt the Emperor was really misunderstood), Lord of the Rings (I felt Sauron was really misunderstood), Hellboy (this movie confused me and that's tough to do. I'm a Senator!)
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And lastly, easily the most terrifying comment I've seen in a long time on any myspace page...ladies and gentlemen...hopefully fictional but the highly potentially existent 15 year old bigot who is apparently, sadly, somehow associated with my hometown....please welcome "Boston!"
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Apr 21 2007 3:16P
Brownback is the man!
GAY MARRAIGE IS WRONG!!! BAN IT FOREVER!
If i could vote, i would definetely vote for you Mr. Brownback
---------
A voting age requirement is all well and good, but how about a voting IQ or, at the least, an emotional stability requirement? I'd rather let someone way too young for it vote than an of-Age cretin or zealot unbound by the gravity of simple facts. Just because you're a D student who got buggered by your step dad in the port o' john on the grounds of the 'White Supremacists For a Flat Earth' rally when you were 10...doesn't mean we should all have to suffer for it under a perpetual tyranny of the emotionally retarded and intellectually irrational. I'm sorry it happened to you. But giving the wealthy more yachts and closing our public schools isn't going to make the pain stop. Now use that personal intiative you red staters go on so much about, usually when someone else is in trouble, and GET OVER IT.
Love and bunnies!,
Sean
So what does Sam have to say about his li'l old Bible-thumping, hate-mongering self? Well, according to the quote next to his profile picture, his is "The Official Sam Brownback Myspace." You tell 'em Sam! It's the Official Sam Brownback Myspace, damn it! Not the Official Sam Brownback Myspace Page. All of myspace is now Sam's apparently. And how did he manage to do that, people?
I'll tell you how: the benefits of a wrathful God and an unregulated free market working in concert, both of whom only Republicans can see apparently...kind of like an ideology-based Harvey!
Anyway, Sam describes himself as a William Wilberforce Republican, in commemoration of the 18th century British parliamentarian who made it his goal to abolish slavery. Sam commemorates Will's achievement by pushing for economic policies that would make slaves of anyone not lucky enough to be born into wealth. I'm sure he means well though. So that's something.
Check out the rest of Sam's profile, chock full of all the things you never wanted to know about someone you never thought this country would ever be dysfunctional enough to even entertain as a candidate for the executive office. And yet...here we are.
Look, some of the below profile is fabricated...I admit...but much of it isn't. And what is fabricated, really isn't that far from the truth. Think of my add-ons the same way a woman uses make-up...they're only accentuating what's already there.
THIS PROFILE MADE PRETTY BY ME:
---------
Status: Married
Here for: Networking, Friends, Hummel Trading
Orientation: Bisymmetrical (har har, just kidding, I hate gays)
Hometown: Topeka, Kansas
Religion: Very Catholic
Zodiac Sign: The Pope
Children: 350 million per ejaculation
Education: Bible study
Occupation: zealot
Favorite Circles: 2,5, and 8
INTERESTS:
General
My family, your family (especially your family), farming, your family's farming (I stand by my belief that uprooting vegetables shaped like the heads of dead presidents and celebrities is also murder), skeet shooting, salsa dancing, redefining human life as anything made of 1 cell or more, jogging, fishing, emulating Christ via tax breaks to the wealthy, basketball, fellowship groups, reading, pushing draconian domestic and foreign policy intitiatives, children.
Music
Stryper, Journey's Don't Stop Believing, Kansas.
Movies
Star Wars (I felt the Emperor was really misunderstood), Lord of the Rings (I felt Sauron was really misunderstood), Hellboy (this movie confused me and that's tough to do. I'm a Senator!)
---------
And lastly, easily the most terrifying comment I've seen in a long time on any myspace page...ladies and gentlemen...hopefully fictional but the highly potentially existent 15 year old bigot who is apparently, sadly, somehow associated with my hometown....please welcome "Boston!"
---------
Apr 21 2007 3:16P
Brownback is the man!
GAY MARRAIGE IS WRONG!!! BAN IT FOREVER!
If i could vote, i would definetely vote for you Mr. Brownback
---------
A voting age requirement is all well and good, but how about a voting IQ or, at the least, an emotional stability requirement? I'd rather let someone way too young for it vote than an of-Age cretin or zealot unbound by the gravity of simple facts. Just because you're a D student who got buggered by your step dad in the port o' john on the grounds of the 'White Supremacists For a Flat Earth' rally when you were 10...doesn't mean we should all have to suffer for it under a perpetual tyranny of the emotionally retarded and intellectually irrational. I'm sorry it happened to you. But giving the wealthy more yachts and closing our public schools isn't going to make the pain stop. Now use that personal intiative you red staters go on so much about, usually when someone else is in trouble, and GET OVER IT.
Love and bunnies!,
Sean
posted by The Crespo at 4:34 PM
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2 Comments:
I say voting IQ of at least 125, but then most of our presidents couldn't have even voted for themselves....sounds about right
Philosopher King? We'd be lucky if we got a Phunctionally Retarded King. Oh wait...
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