Would the 350 lbs (I'm guessing) lady-beast behind me in this security check-in line please STOP PRESSING HER GUT AGAINST MY BACK
Look Miss...er, Misses,
I'm sure you have many fine qualities. Included among them, just at a glance, I can tell is girth.
So that's something.
You also possess many, many chins. Ten gazillion and three if I counted correctly. I can't be 100% sure of this number however since 1. I'm not sure if that gazillion is even a real number, and 2. your most notable non-girth-related quality seems to be your innate wiliness, as displayed by your unstoppable talent for tapping the small of my back with your protruding, voluminous belly upon which I was lucky enough to witness the tell-tale highlights from a botched C-section. (Tell the doctor to use a scalpel next time instead of a plastic fork. F Y fucking I.)
ABOVE: 27 of these for a snack is not part of an acceptable diet. Also, I hate you.
I say "wily" because matter how many times I've asked you to stop making contact with my back, no matter how many steps ahead I walk, you seem to be within tapping distance of my body at all times. I take one step forward...tap tap tap. I take ten steps forward...tap tap tap. It doesn't matter to you how far away I am. And I must admit, I'm not quite sure how you do it. Have you mastered time and space? I'm willing to admit that you're OCCUPYING a great deal of space and that furthermore the incredible mass centralized around what must be your cracked, strained skeletal system may actually be the beginnings of a human-based ssingularity, which would then stretch each moment of time out to an infinite length. So in that sense, yes, you may have almost, kind of mastered time and space.
So...now listen, I'm not the type of person to "bash" another person simply because their background or social behavior differs from mine.
Homosexuality?
More like Homosexuawesomeness.
Native American?
More like Native Amer-awesome-ican.
Believe that an unregulated "free" market is a safe way to allow economies of destitute countries to develop, all but ensuring their finite natural resources will be depleted in a few decades, leaving that country and every bit of land and the ecosystem connected to it in a potentially permanent shambles?
Fuck you.
So yes. I believe difference is to be celebrated, but with one exception.
IF YOU ARE TAPPING MY BACK WITH YOUR TEN GALLON GUT WHILE YOU SWAY BACK AND FORTH LISTENING TO SHITTY TOP FORTY HITS LOUD ENOUGH FOR AN ENTIRE SECURITY CHECK POINT TO HEAR YOU DO NOT QUALIFY AS A PARTICIPANT IN A UNIQUE CULTURE WORTHY OF RESPECT.
See, in that case, you are simply pissing me off. There is a difference, however small.
You understand what I mean by small , don't you? It's the descriptive word that you're the opposite of.
We're far too insensitive in this country to the needs of the poor, the truly oppressed, and to my career. Three groups which could really use a boost right about now. But when it comes to coddling lifestyles of extreme gluttony and consumption like yours , the sensitivity goes through the roof and we turn a blind eye (well, we close our eyes completely since chances are you'll still be in our peripheral vision even with a turned head) and accept your choice to gorge as being on par with religious freedom and the right to digital cable.
"Livin' Large" should not to be given the same solemn tip of the hat that other, less-tapping-my-back-with-your-bulk kinds of cultural differences get.
But hey... it's ok. It's fine. All is well now. I'm over this. I'm done.
For the tyranny of your tummy is at an end. I am inside now, at my desk, at my hideous day job working for a government agency that is probably as bloated and useless as you are. I have to go now. It's lunch.
In your honor I will be eating a salad made of DingDongs, Fruit Pies (for the roughage), and sausage patties...and for the dressing? You guessed it.
Tears.
And that, my friends, is how a bill becomes law.
Good morrow.
PS There is hope. Just don't eat it.
I'm sure you have many fine qualities. Included among them, just at a glance, I can tell is girth.
So that's something.
You also possess many, many chins. Ten gazillion and three if I counted correctly. I can't be 100% sure of this number however since 1. I'm not sure if that gazillion is even a real number, and 2. your most notable non-girth-related quality seems to be your innate wiliness, as displayed by your unstoppable talent for tapping the small of my back with your protruding, voluminous belly upon which I was lucky enough to witness the tell-tale highlights from a botched C-section. (Tell the doctor to use a scalpel next time instead of a plastic fork. F Y fucking I.)
ABOVE: 27 of these for a snack is not part of an acceptable diet. Also, I hate you.
I say "wily" because matter how many times I've asked you to stop making contact with my back, no matter how many steps ahead I walk, you seem to be within tapping distance of my body at all times. I take one step forward...tap tap tap. I take ten steps forward...tap tap tap. It doesn't matter to you how far away I am. And I must admit, I'm not quite sure how you do it. Have you mastered time and space? I'm willing to admit that you're OCCUPYING a great deal of space and that furthermore the incredible mass centralized around what must be your cracked, strained skeletal system may actually be the beginnings of a human-based ssingularity, which would then stretch each moment of time out to an infinite length. So in that sense, yes, you may have almost, kind of mastered time and space.
So...now listen, I'm not the type of person to "bash" another person simply because their background or social behavior differs from mine.
Homosexuality?
More like Homosexuawesomeness.
Native American?
More like Native Amer-awesome-ican.
Believe that an unregulated "free" market is a safe way to allow economies of destitute countries to develop, all but ensuring their finite natural resources will be depleted in a few decades, leaving that country and every bit of land and the ecosystem connected to it in a potentially permanent shambles?
Fuck you.
So yes. I believe difference is to be celebrated, but with one exception.
IF YOU ARE TAPPING MY BACK WITH YOUR TEN GALLON GUT WHILE YOU SWAY BACK AND FORTH LISTENING TO SHITTY TOP FORTY HITS LOUD ENOUGH FOR AN ENTIRE SECURITY CHECK POINT TO HEAR YOU DO NOT QUALIFY AS A PARTICIPANT IN A UNIQUE CULTURE WORTHY OF RESPECT.
See, in that case, you are simply pissing me off. There is a difference, however small.
You understand what I mean by small , don't you? It's the descriptive word that you're the opposite of.
We're far too insensitive in this country to the needs of the poor, the truly oppressed, and to my career. Three groups which could really use a boost right about now. But when it comes to coddling lifestyles of extreme gluttony and consumption like yours , the sensitivity goes through the roof and we turn a blind eye (well, we close our eyes completely since chances are you'll still be in our peripheral vision even with a turned head) and accept your choice to gorge as being on par with religious freedom and the right to digital cable.
"Livin' Large" should not to be given the same solemn tip of the hat that other, less-tapping-my-back-with-your-bulk kinds of cultural differences get.
But hey... it's ok. It's fine. All is well now. I'm over this. I'm done.
For the tyranny of your tummy is at an end. I am inside now, at my desk, at my hideous day job working for a government agency that is probably as bloated and useless as you are. I have to go now. It's lunch.
In your honor I will be eating a salad made of DingDongs, Fruit Pies (for the roughage), and sausage patties...and for the dressing? You guessed it.
Tears.
And that, my friends, is how a bill becomes law.
Good morrow.
PS There is hope. Just don't eat it.
posted by The Crespo at 1:08 PM
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