Please, Do Not Hesitate to Involve Me in Your Next Insane Subway Conversation
My Dearest Fellow New Yorkers,
I hope this note finds you well.
After the events of the past two hours, I think it's only appropriate to remind all of you PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO INVOLVE ME IN YOUR NEXT INSANE SUBWAY CONVERSATION.
I'm not kidding.
People, I have very few hobbies, but if I had to list them, somewhere in the middle would be making sure I'm involved at least once a week in ten to fifteen minutes of random, half-informed discourse with crazy people I'll never see again.
Maybe I'm drunk, maybe you're drunk, maybe we're both just a little "confused." Whatever. We can almost resolve incredibly complex issues of our day in a matter of minutes if we both talk really fast, ignore pesky details and nod a lot.
Of course, this reminder is a lot like taking a dead kitten to the vet - you try to feel good about the gesture, but you know deep down inside that you're a little late to the game.
Besides, it's just going in the trash the moment you walk home whistling...
But I have to get it out there.
See, tonight, while stuck somewhere under the East River on an L train for thirty minutes, I missed my chance to take part in what may have been the single most perfect Crazy Person Subway Converastion of all time.
It was going on in my car, one set of doors away from me, between a trio of guys who obviously didn't know each other but clearly had something to say. Maybe one of them had been drinking a bit too much, and maybe the suit man on the receiving end of most of the finger pointing had it coming.
I don't know, but man, I do know that this conversation had it all...
It was like watching Tom Brady and that quarterback from Indianapolis whose name always escapes me. Only there were three of these guys and none of them had a football or a giant oversized head.
Where was I while all this was going down?
I was tragically blocked from the entire exchange by a bunch of past-their-prime hipster harpies re-hashing the "I Remember When Williamsburg Was REAL" discussion (aka "This Place Would Be So Much Cooler With More Crack and Rats").
That conversation is so 2005, it made me yearn for 2004. The real pity (despite their sad nostalgia for a nonexistent past) was that they were blocking me from even making eye contact with Hoodie Man, thus keeping me off the field for what may have been the finest moment in the history of Subway Debate.
Oh, there will be other subway debates, and I'm sure I'll be drawn into future brief but brilliant arguments of like-minded crazy people to add my two cents on the Iranian nuclear tests, the genocide in Sudan, Britney Spears' nasty vagina, globalism, climate change, why Deal or No Deal makes me cry, whether New York is Disney-fied, which New York bar has the best hamburgers and whether or not we're all going to hell.
But deep down inside I'll always be haunted to know that I missed one for the ages.
Please, I beg you. Don't let it happen again.
With cuddly hugs,
Matt
I hope this note finds you well.
After the events of the past two hours, I think it's only appropriate to remind all of you PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO INVOLVE ME IN YOUR NEXT INSANE SUBWAY CONVERSATION.
I'm not kidding.
People, I have very few hobbies, but if I had to list them, somewhere in the middle would be making sure I'm involved at least once a week in ten to fifteen minutes of random, half-informed discourse with crazy people I'll never see again.
Maybe I'm drunk, maybe you're drunk, maybe we're both just a little "confused." Whatever. We can almost resolve incredibly complex issues of our day in a matter of minutes if we both talk really fast, ignore pesky details and nod a lot.
Of course, this reminder is a lot like taking a dead kitten to the vet - you try to feel good about the gesture, but you know deep down inside that you're a little late to the game.
Besides, it's just going in the trash the moment you walk home whistling...
But I have to get it out there.
See, tonight, while stuck somewhere under the East River on an L train for thirty minutes, I missed my chance to take part in what may have been the single most perfect Crazy Person Subway Converastion of all time.
It was going on in my car, one set of doors away from me, between a trio of guys who obviously didn't know each other but clearly had something to say. Maybe one of them had been drinking a bit too much, and maybe the suit man on the receiving end of most of the finger pointing had it coming.
I don't know, but man, I do know that this conversation had it all...
- Incredible segues: in one particularly brilliant two-minute span, these maestros of the mundane seamlessly segued from the Iraq war to Lindsay Lohan's rehab stint to trash-talking Yale University for giving a diploma to our Dear Leader, all without missing a beat or a hint of irony.
I challenge you to do the same, even in the comfort of your home. - Pointing, pointing and more pointing: "facts" are great in any discussion, particularly when you're trying to prove a point... that is, if your hands are tied. Assuming you have full use of at least one arm (preferably still with fingers), you can gain an incredible amount of ground in any argument by saying something that defies reply while pointing at your opponent's sternum.
This one guy in three hoodies (I know it's cold, but THREE?!?) and a do-rag was on a roll until the obligatory Guy in the Suit Who You Know is Going to Get Screamed At said, "now what makes you think the government is trying to destroy America from within?"
Our thrice-hoodied friend could have lost his momentum here - I mean, he had nothing at all to back this up. He was dead in the water... had he been unable to point! Instead, he gamely thrust his finger at the man's sternum and declared, "what makes you NOT think that!"
HoodieMan 1, GitSWYKiGGSA 0. - Cryptic Ellipses: this was what sealed the deal - an advanced move that I cannot in good conscience recommend to novice Crazy Subway Arguers, but one that the expert cannot do without: the Cryptic Ellipsis.
I could go on and on about this cruicial maneuver, but I will simply quote today's winner of the Subway Debate Challenge:
HOODIE MAN: Now, now, now, wait - you wait right there a minute, OK. You say everything you want to say about that and whatnot, but you know what?
GitSWYKiGGSA: What?
HOODIE MAN: I know this much. I know that George Bush - the first one. You know... the dad. I know he was in the CIA and I know he knows a lot of people and I know he knows a LOT... about a lot of shit... man, shit you don't even know about!
GitSWYKiGGSA: So?
HOODIE MAN: So... I can do the math, motherfucker...
GitSWYKiGGSA:
HOODIE MAN: Yep. I can do the math...
SCARY GUY IN CAMO: Hey, man, he's got a point there.
It was like watching Tom Brady and that quarterback from Indianapolis whose name always escapes me. Only there were three of these guys and none of them had a football or a giant oversized head.
Where was I while all this was going down?
I was tragically blocked from the entire exchange by a bunch of past-their-prime hipster harpies re-hashing the "I Remember When Williamsburg Was REAL" discussion (aka "This Place Would Be So Much Cooler With More Crack and Rats").
That conversation is so 2005, it made me yearn for 2004. The real pity (despite their sad nostalgia for a nonexistent past) was that they were blocking me from even making eye contact with Hoodie Man, thus keeping me off the field for what may have been the finest moment in the history of Subway Debate.
Oh, there will be other subway debates, and I'm sure I'll be drawn into future brief but brilliant arguments of like-minded crazy people to add my two cents on the Iranian nuclear tests, the genocide in Sudan, Britney Spears' nasty vagina, globalism, climate change, why Deal or No Deal makes me cry, whether New York is Disney-fied, which New York bar has the best hamburgers and whether or not we're all going to hell.
But deep down inside I'll always be haunted to know that I missed one for the ages.
Please, I beg you. Don't let it happen again.
With cuddly hugs,
Matt
posted by Matt at 6:19 PM
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3 Comments:
Matt, I find you funny.
a very nice blog...
will visit again..
Preskenis is back!
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