Economist Friedman Dies Aged 94

Don't be sad, everyone. Think of his death not as the end of this being known as Milton Friedman, but as his body being privatized by worms and dirt. Rejoice that Milton Friedman's soul-body connection has finally been deregulated. So no, he didn't just "die." What really happened was he outsourced his consciousness to a higher plane.

So from everyone in America no longer able to earn a livable wage, scrabbling sub-subsistence payckecks together....from the millions of impoverished and unprotected workers screwed over by NAFTA and CAFTA and every other horse shit free market ideologue....

WE SALUTE YOU, MILT!

Disturbing items I am going to plant in my backpack to get back at the security guard who KNOWS I work at this federal building...

...yet asks me every F'ing day if I have an Alan Key in there and detains me an extra hour searching my bag

1. a jar of human balls.

2. 8 hundred million paper clips.

3. old school porridge (hot) with raisins and hummels floating in it.

4. the cast of RENT.

5. a jar of human balls with an attached sign reading "This is a stick up. Place your balls in the jar and no one gets hurt." (note: leave room for at least 3 balls in jar in case guard possesses excessive nuttage)

6. several well worn copies of People magazine where each article regarding Ethan Suplee has had its accompanying photo cut out (with children's scissors!) and replaced with photos of my security guard at his own home, taken from angles that could only have come from within his bathtub.

7. an autographed copy of Thomas the Tank Engine...autographed by Thomas himself!



8. horse pornography.

9. the 2003 Stanley Cup, covered in blood, a hockey glove out of which an ulna juts angrily death-gripping the rim. While being searched further, I then casually mention what a big hockey fan I am.

and finally...

10. a test tube from the lab of the ethically dubious scientists who created my security guard as part of their How Close to Retarded Can We Make People Genome Project.

Best Western Rock

Congressman Derringer Kilbus (R-SM)
an apology for BEST WESTERN ROCK

Before I begin my formal statement regarding my recent commissioning to have the large rock formation at Deadman's Curve on Interstate 95 painted to resemble the entrance of a Best Western hotel and the subsequent thousands of collision related deaths, let me first say how very proud I am to be standing in this room with you, my constituency. You are MY kind of people! The regular, average folks that make America great.

And I'm here today to make good on the contract between voter and elected official.

Citizens, I know that many of you are angry, upset, or wheelchair bound right now, but let me remind you that democracy is not a simple process, that freedom can be messy. "Why would any elected official use tax payers' money to turn the front face of a decidedly unyielding rock formation into a painstakingly detailed replica of an entrance to a well-known motor lodge chain that tired travelers would be highly likely to pull into for a night of rest, discovering only nanoseconds before impact their completely justifiable mistake?" many of you are probably asking. Well there are a lot of answers to that. Many.

But I also see some that some of you are wondering, "Why, out of the hundreds of large rock formations occupying portions of I-95, did I choose the one formation found at the vertex of America's only legally-drivable 15 degree roadway curve, making an already dangerous turn an almost certain fatality?"

Well, let me ask you this, citizens:

Why do birds sing?

And why do fish swim?

Because they can, right?! And that's why I created Best Western Rock!

Now I'm not going to stand here and lie about the fact that, yes, I did this out of a sense of altruistic appreciation for the comforts and high quality service that Best Western consistenly provides its customers. Consistently, people. I will admit that. Openly.

Scorn my stance on this topic if you will, but what it comes down to is that I am the only elected politician in America today who is taking a stand on hotel-guest relations.

I was the one who almost single handedly, during a closed-door midnight legislative session held in my bedroom, managed to allocate over $5 million in badly needed funds for the then very controversial Best Western Accomodations Improvement Appropriation Initiative. Everyone said I was crazy to do it, but I did. And look where we are today!

And for those of you still doubting my intentions, investigators have already gone through my finance files looking for donations from Best Western, I guess to justify what the press has been calling my "obsession" with a seemingly random hotel chain. But you know what they found, people? Nothing. Just one receipt for a campaign donation from a small, unknown company called Superlative Not-Easterly.



Above: 4,028 have been killed in vehicular accidents since last Thursday's unveiling of "Best Western Rock," including most of the state college men's relay bicycling team.

Cased closed.

You have every right to be frustrated with Big Government at a time like this. I'm the biggest "small-government" proponent in the state, so believe me, I understand your anger. Lord knows how upset I was when the state Democrats raised a proposal to get the wealthiest 1% of neighborhoods to pay for a small percentage of inner city school costs. Though state scores rose dramatically and crime decreased significantly, it was the principle of the thing that was wrong and, together, you the citizens of this great state along with Elect Kilbus PAC 527 fought back. But recall, how did you do that? Did you hold a mid-term ballot intiative to remove those Democrats from office? No! You waited until election year and voted those no-goodnick Johnny Reds out with due process. With Due Process. And that's the way democracy works. You get what you vote for.

You voted me in, and just look where we are today!

So really, forcing me out of office isn't going to bring back the literally thousands of relatives, limbs, and higher brain functions you and yours have lost. More importantly it's not going to prevent what the State Accountability Office described as a "low ball" estimate of 10,000 plus motorists to be killed each week by high velocity impacts with Best Western Rock if this beautiful but tragic natural canvas was not removed immediately.

Fortunately I took your complaints to heart and I did something about it. Yes! That's right people. I removed the deadly facade of a Best Western hotel from those rocks. Mission accomplished, voters! Best Western Rock is gone due to your eternal vigilance and because of that you have paid the price of freedom. And what are you free from? You are free from major spinal injuries, from gruesome multiple car manglings, and from being roasted alive from within the crushed cartoon accordian that is a car after it would collide into Best Western Rock. Can most Americans even say as much?

No, they can't.

Ok, give yourselves a round applause and yes, I see some hands being raised, but unfortunately, I don't have time to address your grievances regarding the replacement design I commissioned for what was formerly Best Western Rock. Not to worry though! I have already scheduled an additional 15 minutes to talk to you again tomorrow so we can discuss the on-going devastation taking place each and every minute at the newly unveiled Free Pussy Tunnel Rock.

Don't worry, my friends. Together, you can make a difference. You already did once, and look where you are now!

See you tomorrow and...drive safely.