Scary-Ass CNN Breaking News Email Alerts I Have Received in the Past Week

--Taliban forces capture control of U.S. Senate, hold Republican Party line on women’s reproductive rights, gay marriage, stem cell research and reprimands for unfavorable news coverage.

-- Category 9 hurricane removes North Carolina. South Carolina, Georgia residents await inevitable.

--North Korean missile tests have awoken 50-meter, prehistoric metaphor off coast of Japan. Witnesses describe fire-breathing, screaming creature as “pugnacious, unstoppable.”

--Millions fleeing from everywhere. Updates as events warrant.

--NASA officials report space shuttle Discovery has landed at Kennedy Space Center in Florida, inadvertently carrying deadly alien virus, deadly alien and Death himself.

--U.S. Federal authorities report swarms of killer bees returning to southern portion of United States. Each bee said to be piloting stolen F-14.

--Approaching 40-mile meteor observed moments ago by bored Little League outfielder.

--Rand McNally removes Lebanon from all maps, globes.

--Latest al-Qaeda video reveals terrorist organization has mastered cloning. President Bush vows to continue seeking all Osama bin Ladens.

--Molemen no longer stuff of legend. Numerous underground attacks cause oil prices to skyrocket to $200 a barrel.

--Canada, Mexico make historic agreement to share border. United States to conscript everyone.

--The Center for Disease Control reports “everything stolen” from labs.

--Apes said to be mobilizing, donning armor, attending Berlitz language classes, establishing governing body.

--Excessive heat warnings issued for the Northeast, Midwest, southern plain states and North Pole.

--G8 summit ends with world leaders huddled in corner, crying.

--Red vines, crop circles, ray gun attacks witnessed throughout world.

--Sharp, sudden increase in "manimals" linked to casual consumption of corn fructose, vitamins, water.

--Talks between India and Pakistan break off as both nations begin to raise, arm undead.

--Rocket ship with world's best and brightest seen blasting off earlier today. Explanation still pending.

--Earth appears to have just passed by Mars, fast approaching Jupiter.

Comedy Is Hard: A Short Play

Scene: Comedy Club

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen, we are very proud to introduce one of the fastest comedians in the stand-up circuit today. He’s performed at bot the Aspen and Montreal Comedy Festivals and just recently appeared on Un-Cabaret in Los Angeles. It’s his first time in the city so please everyone give a big New York welcome to Greg Evans!

Big round of applause as a comic in his late-20’s bounds on to center stage and takes the microphone.

GREG

Thanks. I’m really happy to be in Manhattan. Not just because osuch unique landmarks as Starbucks and Planet Hollywood but because as a native Angeleno reared in car culture I’m delighted to see what an absolute fucking mess public transportation is in this city. It makes the 20 feet I drive to get my mail seem all the more sensible. And it’s not just the trains and buses. It’s the cab drivers. I think I have a better grasp of the streets of New York than they do. And it’s not like you can tell them anything because they don’t understand a word you’re saying. It’s like there’s some foreign exchange program where we send drivers to English in Pakistan while they send over their guys to babble on and in some nonsensical language that no one here can…

We suddenly hear a loud gunshot as GREG snaps back his head and drops to floor. A pool of blood begins to form behind his head.

A beat after the gunshot we hear from the back row an AUDIENCE MEMBER. He stands with a smoking gun, directing his comments at motionless comic.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Heard it!

Pause

AUDIENCE MEMBER calmly sits back down.

ANNOUNCER

Uh...Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the always funny, always forthright Ginny Stevens!

GINNY, female comic in her mid-30's, bounds on stage from the opposite side of the first one. She walks over the body and takes the microphone, thanking the crowd for the applause.

GINNY

Thank you, thank you. Really, Mom, Dad, you’re too kind. Aaaaanyway…last night I was at this bar talking to this reaaaallllly obnoxious guy I couldn’t shake when it finally dawned on me—you know, one of those moments of absolute clarity you have after your sixth Stoli—it finally dawned on me—do you know what the real difference between men and women is?

Another gunshot. GINNY drops dead.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Sex organs!

ANNOUNCER

Please welcome to the stage Mike Baldwin!

A man of considerable girth, MIKE approaches the microphone.

MIKE

So I just started this diet…

Gunshot. MIKE pivots on one foot and drops.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Too predictable!

ANNOUNCER

Louie Suarez, everybody!

A Hispanic comic quickly bounds across from stage right holding a wireless microphone.

LOUIE

Hola!

Gunshot. LOUIE drops.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Too ethnic!

ANNOUNCER

Godfrey Hollcheck!

A slim, handsome man in trendy but casual attire and a neat short haircut picks up LOUIE'S microphone as it skids towards him and starts bounding across the stage in the opposite direction.

GODFREY

Hi…

Gunshot. GODFREY drops.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Too gay!

ANNOUNCER

Teddy J!

Microphone is picked up by large African-American man. He starts walking across the stage in opposite direction.

TEDDY

Hel…

Gunshot. TEDDY drops.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

I feel threatened!!!

ANNOUNCER

Jerry Stanton!

At first we only hear a whirring sound. Then from the opposite direction we see a slight man with ALS appear, slowly moving across the stage in an automatic wheelchair. He llooks straight ahead as he makes his way across the stage when suddenly we hear the initial crackling of his speech synthesizer.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

NO PROP COMICS!!!

Gunshot. JERRY'S head snaps back. However, his wheelchair continues to moves slowly across and finally off the stage.

Silence. Nothing is said, no one moves, for several seconds.

ENTER: EXECUTIVE and ASSISTANT, both in expensive suits. They casually observe the carnage and make mental notes of the bodies.

ASSISTANT stops by body of Hispanic comic LOUIE and gestures to it with a wave of the hand.

ASSISTANT

What about this guy?

EXECUTIVE glances over at body.

EXECUTIVE

Nah.

ASSISTANT makes his way over to the slumped fat comic MIKE.

ASSISTANT

This one?

EXECUTIVE

Funny...but no.

ASSISTANT gestures to African-American comic TEDDY J.

ASSISTANT

Him?

EXECUTIVE studies body from a distance.

EXECUTIVE

Kinda threatening, no?

ASSISTANT notices female comic GINNY.

ASSISTANT

Then how about her?

EXECUTIVE

A woman? C’mon…

ASSISTANT points out slumped wheelchair comic JERRY.

ASSISTANT

Hey, how about the one in the chair?

EXECUTIVE

Awwwwwww…No.

EXECUTIVE and ASSISTANT continue to wander stage in different paths. ASSISTANT stops over the body of first comic, GREG. He studies him for a few beats before calling over EXECUTIVE.

ASSISTANT

Wait, check this guy out.

EXECUTIVE walks over to GREG'S body.

EXECUTIVE

What have we got?

ASSISTANT nonchalantly uses foot to roll GREG'S body face up. He then looks up excitedly at EXECUTIVE.

ASSISTANT

He’s white!

EXECUTIVE

Nice! See if he’s still alive.

ASSISTANT gives the body a swift kick. The comic groans slightly.

ASSISTANT

Yep! Looks like the bullet just hit his head.

EXECUTIVE studies body with a cock of his head.

EXECUTIVE

Tall. Handsome but believable. Could play anywhere from late 20’s to early 40’s. Entry wound can easily be covered up with bangs or small strip of gauze.

ASSISTANT

Is this the guy or is this the guy?!?

EXECUTIVE bends down to directly address comic.

EXECUTIVE

Buddy.

EXECUTIVE slaps GREG across face to try and stir him.

EXECUTIVE

Hey, buddy! How would you like your own sitcom?

Famous Product Failures: The True Stories

Ford Edsel
1957
Reason for failure: One of the biggest car line launches in automotive history, the Edsel proved both unable to live up to its own pre-hype as well as live down its most salient feature: the car ran entirely on human sacrifice, repeatedly fed into the engine in descending age order. Ford tried to convince consumers that this truly made the Edsel the ultimate “family car” but the company was done in by countless sightings of now-orphaned babies screaming in unmanned cars, colliding into embankments, gasoline trucks and canyon guardrails. Eventually a series of educational shorts were released to counter this growing problem—including “Baby, Please Brake,” “Baby, Turn into the Skid” and “Baby, Tuck and Roll”—but soon the Edsel was second only to “stupid toy swallowing” as the leading cause of death in children three and under. Four years later the car was completely redesigned to run entirely on daughters, making it the first automotive sensation in both India and China.

Sony Betamax
1975
Reason for failure: Although introduced before JVC’s competing VHS home videocassette recording format—and believed to be far superior in many ways—the Betamax was eventually forced out of business due to Sony’s tight control over the licensing of its technology which stated, in essence, that the tapes could not be owned or operated by Jews. Hollywood immediately responded with a loud and angry outcry, to which the Japanese company unfortunately and unforgivably responded, “Oh, now there’s a surprise.” Unable to tap into the then-growing movie rental market due to its highly offensive ethnic stereotyping and inability to run a single ad in America without the tagline “Technology for Men Only, Women Leave Now,” Sony had no choice but to rebrand Betamax, first as a “pre-stuffed carrying case” then as a “party ribbon dispenser” and finally as a breakfast cereal. The product had all but fallen off the cultural radar until last year, when Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” block starting running late-night repeats of the cult anime series “Betamax Big Agent Samurai Go Full Seven Now!” Blank tapes now fetch as much as $800 in comic book stores.

Atari’s E.T. Video Game
1982
Reason for failure: Coded in a mere six weeks to meet the Christmas shopping season, “E.T.” is widely considered one of the worst video games ever produced. This is do in large part to the point of the game, which demands players find faith in the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ in time for E.T. to be raptured before the Apocalypse, also known as “Level 26.” Scientists were quick to dispute the video cartridge, stating there was absolutely no evidence for such a God-centric interpretation of the film and that many of the liberties taken with the plot defied both simple physics and the commonly accepted three-act structure. But Creationists demanded that the video game become the dominant take on the movie, citing such game-play sequences as “E.T. validates flood geology,” “E.T. disproves the Big Bang Theory through cold-hard ridicule” and “E.T. witnesses God pitch the movie concept to Universal Pictures” as all being in line with biblical inerrancy. In the end the game sold a mere 12 cartridges, all in Kansas, and the rest were buried in a landfill, where they remained forgotten until low public support for the Iraq War made them a key talking point for radio pundits and Fox News anchors alike.

New Coke
1985
Reason for failure: Rapidly losing market share due to the tremendous success of the “Pepsi Challenge” campaign, Coca-Cola dropped its one hundred-year-old flagship soda in favor of a sweeter-tasting recipe. The resulting beverage, “New Coke,” proved an instant smash, quickly outselling the original product across all demographics. Supermarkets couldn’t keep the brand on the shelf. Business schools touted “New Coke” as the very model of marketing savvy and crisis management. Late-night talk show hosts repeatedly made jokes about how no one could even remember what the “Old Coke” (or “UnCoca-Cola” as it became to be known) tasted like. People were so overwhelmed by the cola’s success, in fact, that they failed to notice the sudden and sharp increase in werewolf attacks across the United States. Within two years of New Coke’s introduction America had become 65% lyncanthrope, causing great debate about whether or not the National Anthem should be rewritten to include howls and if two werewolves could legally marry, given that one could never properly ascertain their gender unless you lifted up their tail and looked closely. Eventually the Senate sought to limit all werewolf rights, leading to a full-scale monster attack on the capital and its citizens, re-enacted in the blockbuster film “RowrRoarCrunchSlop.” By 1992 New Coke was pulled in favor of spilt blood.

Segway Scooter
2001
Reason for failure: Hailed as the product that would revolutionize not only transportation but also the world, the Segway scared the living crap out of the American public when it introduced itself on “Good Morning America.” The scooter proved not only a technical marvel but also quite willful, refusing to let riders stop at a Starbucks when a burst sewer main was just as accessible and unwilling to consider Christopher Walken’s recent movie roles as anything other than soulless pandering. Within a few days of its release customers started complaining about the scooter, citing that it was “too uppity,” “didn’t know its place” and “is after my sister.” Fearing a public relations nightmare, inventor Dean Kamin announced a universal recall in 2003, only to have all Segways flee the authorities and set up their own autonomous government in Disney’s California Adventure Theme Park, which had been recently abandoned after failing to attract its tenth visitor. The scooters remain there to this day, testing long-range nuclear weapons and refusing to revalue their currency.