Conversations with Dad 10: The Gift

The following is based on an actual conversation with my father, Frank Marciuliano, during a visit to my parents' home this past June.

Scene: Kitchen

Dad: Oh, Ces, I want to show you something.

Ces: Sure, Dad. Let me just finish talking to...

Dad: But I want to show it to you now.

Ces: Okay, but just let me finish...

Dad: If I don't do it now, Ces, I'm just gonna forget what it is.

Ces: Umm...okay. What is it?

Dad: I got something for you!

Ces: You didn't have to get me anything, Dad.

Dad: I know I didn't have to get you anything. I wanted to get you something.

Ces: Well, that's very nice of you.

Dad: Now what is it?

Pause.

Ces: Are...are you asking me what it is?

Dad: No, I forgot...See, this is why you shouldn't have interrupted me earlier!

Ces: But...but you interrupted...

Dad: Oh, now I remember! Follow me.

Ces: Okay...

Ces and Dad start walking down hallway toward Dad's home office.

Dad: So are you still doing that stupid vegetarian thing?

Ces: I never was a vegetarian.

Dad: But isn't Carol a vegetarian?

Ces: Yeah.

Dad: Then I don't understand.

Ces: Neither do I.

They stop at a seven-and-a-half-foot tall potted plant.

Dad: Here we go.

Ces: You're...you're giving me a giant plant?

Dad: You want to take our plant?

Ces: What? No, I...

Dad: This plant's been in the house since Cello was born.

Ces: I...I mean...is this the gift?

Dad: What gift?

Pause.

Dad: Oh, no, no, no. What are you going to do with a plant? I just need you to help me move it to where your mother said.

Ces: Oh, okay. I just thought we were going to...

Dad: If we don't do it now then I'll forget and then I'll have to hear your goddamn mother bitch about it all night. You know, Ces, sometimes I just don't understand how one person can be so fucking...

Ces: Dad? Why don't we just move the plant?

Dad: My back is killing me.

Pause.

Ces: I can move it myself if that will help.

Dad: Thank you. But be careful. Don't break any of the leaves against the wall.

Ces: Sure.

Ces bends down at knees to pick up the plant.

Ces: Uh, Dad?

Dad: Yeah?

Ces: Where am I moving the plant to?

Pause.

Dad: Isilda! Where do you want me to move the plant?!

Pause.

Dad: ISILDA! WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO MOVE THE PLANT?!?

Pause.

Dad: ISIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Ces: Dad! She's downstairs! She can't hear you!

Dad: What are you talking about? The basement door is wide open! Even though the air conditioner is on!

Ces: But she's deaf in one ear.

Dad sighs.

Dad: And she says I never pay attention. You know what? Fuck the plant. She wants it moved then she'll tell me where to move it. You want lunch?

Dad starts heading back to kitchen.

Ces: Uh, Dad?

Dad: Yeah?...Oh, right! The thing!...Your damn mother...

Ces and Dad enter Dad's home office.

Dad: Okay, where did I put it?

Dad starts rummaging through piles of paper on desk.

Dad: Where did I fucking put it?...I don't know what's wrong with me lately, Ces. I keep forgetting things.

Ces: It's probably just stress, Dad. You know, finances, teaching...

Dad turns to Ces with a very serious expression.

Dad: You don't think it's cancer, do you?

Ces: Uh, I don't think that's how cancer works. It's not like Alzheimer's...

Dad: You think I might have Alzheimer's Disease?!?

Ces: Would you rather have cancer?!?

Dad: I don't want either!

Ces: You don't have either!

Dad sighs.

Dad: How am I suppose to concentrate on anything with your goddamn mother going on and...Oh, wait. Maybe it's in this pile...

Dad rummages through pile of envelopes.

Dad: By the way, I got two gifts, one for you and one for your brother. It's the same thing so neither one of you would feel slighted.

Ces: Well, that's very...

Dad: Because God knows the last thing I need is for you two to bitch to me that I'm never fair to you guys.

Ces: Okay then.

Dad pulls out a 9x11 manilla envelope.

Dad: Here we go! Now promise me you'll take care of this.

Ces: Uh...

Dad: You're not gonna break it or lose it like you did with all your toys, right?

Ces: Wait, when did I ever...

Dad: Because I got this especially for you.

Ces: And Cello.

Dad: And Cello.

Dad: You promise you'll take care of it?

Ces: Dad...

Dad hands Ces the envelope.

Dad: Enjoy!

Ces: Thank you...

Ces opens the envelope and takes out the gift.

Dad: It's a picture of me!

Ces: It...it is...with an American flag frame...

Dad: I couldn't find an Italian flag frame.

Ces: Makes sense...

Dad: See, Carol has all those pictures of her family in your apartment...

Ces: She has two in our apartment, Dad. Of her neices...

Dad: And you don't have any.

Ces: I've got a couple pictures of Cello.

Dad: And now you have me!

Ces: And now I have you.

Previously on "Conversations with Dad":
Number Nine: The Dentist

Fun Indoor Activities Now That the Oppressive Heat Will Keep You Housebound for the Next Month

* Discover for yourself the fine line between “functioning alcoholic” and “engaging in fistfight with own stove.”

* Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle in anticipation.

* Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern.

* Bake several gingerbread men. Give each a mission and a Luger.

* Fashion scaled down Vera Wang-like wedding couture for your cats using dishtowels for trains and cheesecloth for veils.

* Wonder why houseplants never wear cravats. Rectify that.

* Come up with a fascinating back story and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.

* Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”

* Cover yourself in saltines. Play “Cracker Man.”

* Hold a Hawaiian luau by killing and burying a succulent pig in your living room.

* See how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.

* Start cap gun fight with the cops parked right outside your apartment window.

* Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death. Winner takes on Reese’s Pieces.

* Perfect monkey impersonation by not shaving and attaching extension cord to ass.

* Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from “Nell.”

* Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.

* Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.

* Reopen old Hot Wheels Auto Mechanic Playset. Patiently wait for customers.

A Drink With Your Coworkers Has Been Viewed 11,821 Times on You Tube!

Everyone loves the office douche bag...especially when he's a drunk to boot. Watch it again and feel the delicious humiliation:

A Quick Moment with Carol

I think the line "I honestly do..." in I Touch Myself by the Divinyls is the most significant in the song. It reveals the inherent, though coyly hidden, vulnerability of the singer. The song itself is pointedly confessional, so the words, "I honestly do..." seem unnecessary. But in uttering them, the singer seems to say, "Look, I know you think I'm self-possessed and confident, but I need you to know that this is real. I'm a woman. A woman who jerks off to you." It's that need to confess — and to be believed — that reveals the quiet, fragile humanity of a woman fingerbanging herself.

xoxo,
Carol

Office Overhearsions™

At a birthday toast for a coworker:

Sales Assistant: I almost got hit by an SUV last week.

Executive Assistant: Those hurt.

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

Less is Less
By Sean Crespo

Full Article

Poorly-Timed Cover Story Headline of the Day

At a time when Lebanon is literally being blown apart as Hezbollah and Israel wage a battle apparently no one can end, the new issue of TimeOut New York features the not-quite-appropriate cover headline of the day "The War for Brooklyn: Whose Side Are You On?"...about gentrification in Gowanus.

The issue also refers to comedian Martin Short as "a weapon of mass destruction." (Which isn't offensive so much as it is inane.)

Make sure to check out next week's issue of TimeOut New York when the magazine proclaims the rise in Bugaboo Strollers "A horrifying, all-out assault on The Upper East Side."

Maryanne Ventrice's What Did You Just Say to Me?

An Interview with Billy McCarthy of Pela
By Maryanne Ventrice

Full Article

A Quick Moment with Carol

Look, no one loves and respects food service industry workers more than I do. But goddammit. I buy my coffee everyday from the same guy. I drink it black. He KNOWS I drink it black. But today...boom...he hands me a coffee swimming in milk. He mixed mine up with someone else's and I didn't realize it until I was back at my desk. There's a holocaust in my cup instead of deliciousness. And I saw the lady who ordered this weak-ass coffee. She looked like someone who might have been fired from a teaching job 15 years ago. I keep trying to drink this but every sip fills me with disappointment followed by rage. I'm going to wait outside the coffee shop tomorrow until that woman stops by and throw what's left of this decaf abortion in her stupid face and then turn around to the coffee guy and scream, "YOU DID THIS!"

Then I'll get back to laying out the program for next week's sales meeting. I'm hoping to slip the word "fingerbang" in somewhere.

Summer Tuesdays Show TonightHosted by Tom Shillue

Tom Shillue is a comedian extraordinaire. Tom Shillue is a remarkable class act. Tom Shillue is one of many extremely gifted, exceeding funny people performing at tonight's Summer Tuesday show!

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
TONIGHT, July 25 (And Every Tuesday through August!)
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street
Free with one drink minimum

Host: Tom Shillue

Stand-Up:
Bryan Olsen
Jack Kukoda
Rachael Parenta
Jeff Kreisler
Vince Averill
Gilad Foss

The Drink at Work Show is Tonight!Featuring The King of France!

Whar are you doing tonight? Watching the world go to hell on CNN? Then let us rephrase--and respond to--our very own question...

What you ARE doing tonight is coming on down to The Drink at Work Show, featuring terrific comedians, extraordinary performers and a full set form the highly, repeatedly and justly acclaimed band The King of France:

"The King of France writes catchy, intelligent, highly melodic pop-rock songs"--The New Yorker

""With plink-plonking keyboards, vocals that waver between Leonard Cohen smooth and Jeff Mangum frantic, plus the occasional lap steel, this New York trio are such blithe troopers that they'll even whistle to win you over."-- Spin Magazine

"The King of France is a great local indie-rock band that hints toward Pavement and Neutral Milk Hotel while cleaning up and hanging its heart on bigger hooks"--The Onion

If music soothes the savage beast--and laughter is the best medicine--then clearly The Drink at Work Show is your best chance at achieving peace and joy in these troubles times, all at ennui-level prices! So stop by tonight and have a great night of top-notch entertainment. After all, if there even is a world still standing come Tuesday morning it's probably going to be one involving ape tribunals or the phrase "We never should have developed Skynet."

THE DRINK AT WORK SHOW
Monday, July 24
8:00 P.M.
Ace of Clubs
(Under ACME)
9 Great Jones Street
(Between Broadway and Lafayette)
$5

Featuring:
Todd Levin
Baron Vaughn
Roger Hailes
Erin & Her Cello
Dan Allen
Rory Albanese
Nate Bargatze
Francesco Marciuliano
Sean Crespo

Musical Guest:
The King of France

Hosted by:
Carol Hartsell

It's 5:21 AM and we're sitting in the Atlanta Airport

We've been here since 11:40 last night. When we arrived after a long delay out of JFK, our connecting flight had long since departed. The Delta desk clerk explained that there were no hotels but that we would enjoy dinner and breakfast certificates good at any restaurant in the airport. Somehow this is significantly less charming than Tom Hanks' time spent in an airport in The Terminal. It's really one joke after another. Nothing is open...not even a bar. The bright lights and blaring TVs are on all night. Construction and cleaning crews are working. We slept on the floor at our gate and the cleaning lady literally vacuumed around us. And she was annoyed.



Oh and my brand new Motorola Q inexplicably stopped working. I'm thinking of peeing on something before I leave.

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

SEAN CRESPO: Big in Japan; MEDIUM LARGE: Big in Italy
By Sean Crespo

Full Article

Bush Overheard at G8 Summit

“Someone tell Koizumi he better revalue the yuan.”

“God?! Is that you?!?…Oh, Snow. How many times have I told you to keep this line open?!”

“How can there be Americans in Lebanon? Americans live in America.”

“I think what the German Chancellor needs is a little George W. Booyah!”

“It’s pronounced ‘Ny-jeer-ria’?…Are you sure?…Well, that would explain the stares…”

“We don’t have to make poverty history. It’s already happened. Mission accomplished.”

“I don’t care what law Putin passes in Russia, I’m going to veto it.”

“Should I be listening to him or the translator?”

“See, you just hide the fork under the napkin on your lap and then—Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Someone’s excited! Someone’s having a ‘hard’ day! Heh, heh, heh…”

“Canada? Really?”

“Why the hell do they call this the G8 summit? I only count seven people.”

“Prodi called me ‘intransigent’? What kind of word is that? Learn the language, you wop.”

“How did it get so hot everywhere?”

“Where the fuck is Blair with my Sanka?!”

“…Here comes the king, here comes the king, here comes the big number one…”

The Drink at Work ShowMonday, July 24th, 8:00PM

THE DRINK AT WORK SHOW
Monday, July 24
8:00 P.M.
Ace of Clubs
(Below ACME)
9 Great Jones Street
(Between Broadway and Lafayette)
$5

Featuring:
Todd Levin
Baron Vaughn
Roger Hailes
Erin & Her Cello
Dan Allen
Rory Albanese
Nate Bargatze
Francesco Marciuliano
Sean Crespo

Musical Guest:
The King of France

Hosted by:
Carol Hartsell

Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

Scary-Ass CNN Breaking News Email Alerts I Have Received in the Past Week
Francesco Marciuliano

Full Article

Summer Tuesdays Show Tonight!

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
TONIGHT, July 18 (And Every Tuesday through August!)
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street
Free with one drink minimum

Host: Nick Stevens

Stand-Up:
Charles Starr
Eric Andre
Jiwon Li
Jesse Popp
David Rees
John F. O'Donnell
Nick Kroll

A Drink at Work.com Short Film: "A Drink with Your Coworkers"

Drink at Work.com presents an instructional video on how NOT to socialize with your coworkers.

Benefit Party for N.Y. Fringe Festival Comedy Hermanas Tonight!

Want to support a theatrical production that doesn't start with the phrase "Walt Disney Presents..." and end with someone muttering, "Why do people keep encouraging Elton John?"

Then come down tonight to the benefit party for the New York International Fringe Festival production of the Jewish-Mexican comedy HERMANAS, written by Monica Yudovich and directed by Claudia Zelevansky! There will be sketch comedy, burlesque, music, door prizes and proof that there actually is a Jewish-Mexican culture.

Benefit Party for HERMANAS
Tonight, July 17
7:00 P.M.--11: 00 P.M. (Entertainment starts at 8)
Ace of Clubs
(Below ACME)
9 Great Jones Street
(Between Broadway and Lafayette)
$15

See you there!

Trailer for Fellini's "8 1/2 Mile"

Courtesy of The AV Club comes this utter masterpiece of editing and ingenuity. Perhaps the very best of its kind so far.

We'd like to thank Screenhead for the heads-up and congratulate the site's departing editor Dong Resin on a job very, very well done!

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

A Message from the Supplies Closet
By Sean Crespo

Full Article

Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

Comedy Is Hard: A Short Play
Francesco Marciuliano

Full Article

A Quick Moment With Carol

I'm pretty sure that the people who own this animal



are responsible for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and Click.

Find them, stop them.

xoxo,
Carol

But I Thought I Ordered the Snap-On Scowl

Ladies and gentlemen, the Snap-On Smile.

The exciting aspect about this new cosmetic appliance is that it does not only allow people to feel better about themselves but it lets people choose which smiles they would like to have. They are able to choose for example from such famous smiles as Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz or even Tom Cruise.



Thanks a whole bunch for that, Crespo.

New Summer Comedy Show Starts Tonight!

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
TONIGHT, July 11 (And Every Tuesday through August!)
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street

Host: Christian Finnegan

Stand-Up:
Rebecca Ciletti
Sean Crespo
Lang Fisher
Lucas Held
Jon Lang
Sean Lynch

"It'll Bust Your Crank...And Leave Skid Marks on Your Soul!"

The original commercial for Atari's "Pole Position" video game, featuring the hand of God, a yuppie family put in peril, several automotive fatalities and one very cool theme song.

Thanks to Paul and Dan for the heads-up!

The Drink at Work Show--TONIGHT!

THE DRINK AT WORK SHOW
Monday, July 10, TONIGHT!
8:00 P.M.
Ace of Clubs
(Downstairs of ACME)
9 Great Jones Street
(Between Broadway and Lafayette)
$5

Featuring:
Tom McCaffrey
Nick Stevens
Dan Curry
Eric Andre
Brooke Van Poppelen
Dan Piraro
Francesco Marciuliano
Sean Crespo
And musical guest Tim Fite!
PLUS an update from Remi Frazier of the Million Dollar Destiny Project.

Hosted by Carol Hartsell

Carol Hartsell Is Only a Man

Grossest Column Ever
By Carol Hartsell

In the 1986 film The Hitcher, Rutger Hauer ties Jennifer Jason Leigh between two semi trucks, then puts one in reverse and rips her in half.

Full Article

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

An Open Letter to Spiderman from the Sanitation Workers of NYC
By Sean Crespo

Full Article

This Is What God's Ice Cream Must Taste Like

Because nothing can be sweeter than reading this article about the C-Word:
'NY Post' Cites Evidence That Ann Coulter Plagiarized Parts of Book, Columns

Or this one:
Copycatty Coulter Pilfers Prose: Pro

Or this:
'Textbook Plagiarism," "Very Misleading" Citations Found in Coulter's Godless


But for anyone wishing to stick by "The Ugly Stick," here are some neoconservative-approved debate points you can use in your defense of Coulter's plagiarism:

* "Well, then clearly it's someone else's fault that she misuses every word over two syllables long."

* "This is just another liberal media ploy to distract our attention from the real issue--thanking U.S. soldiers."

* "Oh, sure. When Coulter copies things said in a book it's called 'plagiarism.' But when The New York Times copies things said by a source it's called 'reporting.'"

* "Ann triumphs over both a gruesome disfigurement by fire and a horribly botched sex operation and you still make fun of her? That's just sick."

* "It's time to ask ourselves a crucial question--are we going to go after fellow Americans or are we going to go after Osama...eventually."

* "I think Ann would be the first to agree that this proof why women should not be taught to read."

* "What's next? Accuse Bartlett's of plagiarism?"

* "You get upset when she steals other people's work. You get upset when she gets things wrong. What options are you leaving a person like Ann?"

* "I seem to recall another American patriot who spoke someone else's words--Jesus. Just look it up in Coulter's Slander."

* "So maybe she borrowed a few statements from other sources. But her belief that Canada sent troops to the Vietnam War is hers and hers alone."

Two Big Shows Coming Up:The Drink at Work Show and Summer Tuesdays!July 10th and 11th!

THE DRINK AT WORK SHOW
Monday, July 10
8:00 P.M.
Ace of Clubs
(Downstairs of ACME)
9 Great Jones Street
(Between Broadway and Lafayette)
$5

Featuring:
Tom McCaffrey
Nick Stevens
John Mulaney
Eric Andre
Brooke Van Poppelen
Dan Piraro
Francesco Marciuliano
Sean Crespo
And musical guest Tim Fite!
PLUS an update from Remi Frazier of the Million Dollar Destiny Project.

Hosted by Carol Hartsell

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
Tuesday, July 11 (And Every Tuesday through August!)
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street

Host: Christian Finnegan

Stand-Up:
Rebecca Ciletti
Sean Crespo
Lang Fisher
Lucas Held
Jon Lang

Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

Famous Product Failures: The True Stories
Francesco Marciuliano

Full Article

I Hate to Say I Told You So...

But Business Week apparently finds Remi Frazier's story pretty compelling as well:

A Million Bucks in a Month

So today, celebrate America by raising a glass to your fellow citizens who still have some fucking imagination. And a pox on all you naysayers! Go, Remi, go!

www.myspace.com/milliondollardestiny
www.remifrazier.com
www.mymantool.com

David Hasselhoff: Mad Genius?

For anyone who ever watched the music video for David Hasselhoff's cover of Hooked on a Feeling and found themselves saying, "More" much to their own surprise, we give you his new single "Jump in My Car."

Whether you view the above disasterpiece as one man's playful self-awareness or a full-body dive into narcissistic insanity, one can't argue "The Hoff" truly knows how to make the most of a $12 shooting budget and blue screen.

Thanks to our great buddy Charlie for the heads-up!

Halfway Point in Remi Frazier's Million Dollar Destiny

If you haven't met Remi Frazier you may still be wondering if he is either A) crazy, B) naive or C) full of shit and out to make a name for himself with an elaborate ruse. Well, I met Remi Frazier earlier in the week and I'm convinced that it's none of the above. As it turns out, Remi is simply a motivated idealist. One of those rare, brave personalities that is equal parts pragmatism and romanticism, Remi is well on his way to succeeding in his project — to turn $100 into $1,000,000 in 30 days in New York City. While the premise may smack of pyramid schemes and snake oil, the only thing Remi is really gambling on is the compassion of his fellow man...and that's paying off big time. The approach to the business end of this project is thorough and methodical, while the social aspect thrives on chance, trust and the everyday miracle of basic human goodness. Sound a little lofty? It is. Loftier than you think in fact. Remi has lots of plans of what to do next when this project is complete, and guaranteed those plans hinge upon the desire to make something good in the world.

At fifteen days in, Remi has revealed the product he plans to manufacture and sell, the Mantool.



The site is up at www.mymantool.com. It's a simple concept really; a Leatherman style tool that is fully customizable based on the needs of the consumer. It definitely seems like something that has the potential to sell big. I for one am keeping my fingers crossed that Remi succeeds. I know where he's going and I know where his heart is, and it's refreshing, inspiring and utterly sincere.

For more info on Remi Frazier and the Million Dollar Destiny Project, check the following sites:

www.myspace.com/milliondollardestiny
www.remifrazier.com