An Open Letter from Meat to the Colons of 50-Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West

Dear Colons of 50 Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West,

First of all, let me just tell you how touched I am by your Persons' conistently choosing me over just about every item in the food pyramid for almost every meal, whether as a side or a main dish. Almost no other part of the country can keep up with their (and through them, your) raw, unfettered lust for me. So for that, thank you.

Now, unfortunately, I must come to the main purpose of this missive. It is with deep regrets and humble apologies that I must inform you that as of today I will be shutting you down Colon for the next several years, possibly permanently, at which point I, or at least the decaying remnants of me, will claim ownership of you and several other organs within the immediate intestinal proximity.

I would have brought this up earlier but I became entangled in a brief imbroglio with two of Person's incisors. I understand that 2 Liter Bottles of Vanilla Coke also has an important message to deliver to him, but that is for another time.

Of a deeper urgency however, I have been asked to relay to Person from Fried Eggs and Candy Bars that Heart is also in a similar predicament as that of yourself, but of course, I need not remind you that the effects of the former shutting down are much more immediate than of you, the latter, though those are not to be taken lightly if it is even indeed possible to take dying from being poisoned by your own inner filth lightly. At any rate, take it under consideration for later. I'm sure it can't be that big of a rush however, otherwise Heart would have contacted Person to discuss the matter via the Face-Turns-Purple-While-Left-Arm Begins-To-Tingle Phone. No matter. Time will tell.

Right now I wish only to impress upon you the importance of the upcoming alterations to our thus far amicable and even symbiotic relationship. When the changes do go into effect which will be starting at the "business end of the business day" as we say down here, as you know, Har Har!-- there will be issues that arise from time to time, the most relevant of which will I'm sure deal with the fact that in addition to yours, we will also be annexing the functions of several ancillary, nearby organs. Annexing is probably the wrong word. "Ceasing" is probably more apt. Ahem, so, let's move on. I know this is difficult for you.

These organs include but are not limited to:

Prostate
Small Intestine (which includes Duodenum, Jejunum, and Ileum)
The remaining portions of Large Intestine where you are housed (which includes Cecum, you, and of course Rectum)
...and surprisingly, Balls will also become our property.
(Not having a bowel movement for 10 days will apparently cramp not just your style, but anything pressed too closely against bacteria leaking organs. Who knew?)

You will find the pertinent portion of our once tacit, now explicit agreement spelled out (as a courtesy to you) below.

____________________________________


COLONIC CLOSURE CONTRACT AGREED UPON BY PARTIES TO BE MENTIONED


By accepting more than a single serving size of MEAT (herein PARTY A) every day for two or more decades, the Colons of 50 Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West (herein PARTY B) agree to full terms of shut down and immediate closure to be carried out at a time of PARTY A's choosing. This agreement is binding.


PART A sign below

X________________________


PARTY B sign below

X________________________


___________________________________


So I'll just ask EYEBALLS to notarize this and hopefully we can get this whole mess expedited as quickly and painlessly as possible. And on a personal note, while I know you have no choice in the matter since Person is severely addicted to me, or more importantly to the muscle-enhancing hormones injected into the living creatures I come from, thank you for your continued patronage.

From all of us here at FOOD.


Yours,
MEAT

Ohio Electoral College: official student prospectus

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE: "It's all true!"

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Disenfranchisement 103: A core requirement, this class teaches the basics of removing the undesirable elements from the polls. Course includes a four week urban slang and hand shake intensive.

Enquiry Evasion 212: Learn to answer journalist’s questions with a rhetorical, accusatory question of your own.
EX:
Journalist: Who ultimately is responsible for stopping the recount?
Response: Well let me ask you this, if al-Qaeda came in here right now with machine guns, nuclear weapons, and box cutters, would you be ready?
Use the horrified silence to escape.

Computer Lab (elective): Taught by programming experts from Triad. You are guaranteed a perfect score in this course even if you do not attain a perfect score or do not make a single appearance. “And that’s the Triad promise!”
Course costs may vary depending on defending attorney’s fees.

Ohio Electoral is a publicly funded state college with no political agenda, open to both Democrats and Republicans. Any resident of Ohio who has registered to vote is eligible to apply regardless of race or color*.

Fully completed application must also include SAT scores, a record of the last six candidates voted for, a recent photo (registered Democrats only), a brief description of your heritage including full disclosure of the kind of ship in which your ancestors arrived at America (registered Democrats only), and an essay on the question of:
“Should Everyone Be Allowed To Vote and Really, Don’t You Think Some People Should Get To Vote More Than Once?”

Class Registration

Red Student Registration: Registration for our Republican students begins on November 2nd around 3 in the afternoon at O.E.C.’s accurate-to-a-flower recreation of Paris’ Tuileries Garden, located at the center of our famous all white-rose bush maze. Individual maps and guides will provided.

The maze is completely enclosed within our 40,000 acre professional-standard Relaxment Gazebo® on the grounds of O.E.C.’s palatial Administrative Estates. In addition to the natural tranquility, those waiting in line will be raptured away to auditory heaven as O.E.C.’s own brass and wind ensemble, WILL TO POWER, plays the entire works of the greatest classical composer of all time, Richard Wagner. If the music and gorgeous scenery still do not suffice, a full 5 course brunch including rare, sumptuous Black Rhinoceros flank will be laid out on the backs of our dedicated staff from which you are encouraged to dine. Napkins won’t be necessary because they love it when you wipe with their sleeves.

Blue Student Registration

However, in order to abate potential disruptions due to the heightened interest surrounding past sign-ups, registration for Democrats will be held at a separate but mostly equal facility rented out by O.E.C. for the day. So on November 3rd from 4:15 am to 4:17, come on down Democrats to the old abandoned train yard just outside Cleveland's famous Septic Excitement District. Directions TBA Nov. 4. To discourage students from overwhelming our limited staff, the registration booth will be camouflaged to blend in with the surrounding rusting metal hulks and the brown, dying weeds which constitute the local flora. We also extend our deepest, humblest Christian regrets that there will not be catering due to funding cuts. Let not your spirits flag students though because there is a Quizno’s Submarine Sandwhich Shop not 10 miles (as the chaffeur drives) from the registration booth. Semper sterilis!

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE:
"Prove it!"

We encourage, nay, we challenge Students with Disabilities to apply to Ohio Electoral. We offer disabled students every opportunity given to our regular, normal students. We ask however that our handicapped residents respect the Disabled Students’ Safety Curfew which extends from 4 pm to 6 pm every day.
Students with severe disabilities or long-term medical conditions are asked to voluntarily place themselves on the medical school’s Living Anatomical Subjects Volunteer list in exchange for preference during course selection. Failure to do so will automatically place the infringing student’s name at the top of the list along with a note requesting use of low concentration local anesthetics during surgical observations.
Students with disabilities caused from distinguished military service may be offered subsidized tuition but will be asked to provide evidence of service and honorable discharge. This proof will count as 10% of your final aid assessment grade. However, as a check against fraudulent claims, all applicants will be asked to appear before the Ohio Electoral College Veterans for Truth panel, which will be composed entirely of former military servicemen who served in the general vicinity where you were wounded but not necessarily at the same time. Their vote will count as 100% of your final aid assessment grade. GOOD LUCK!

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE:
"What'd you just call me, faggot?"

If you’d like to visit the school, guided tours are available from 4 to 6 pm every day.

Estimated for average four year program attendance.
Tuition: $112,000
Room: Please note that O.E.C. is not a co-educational facility. Separate but mostly equal facilities will be provided for our pigment and vagina enhanced students. Cost of housing varies accordingly.

Whittensythe Manor: $3000/month

Baltic Apartments: $200/month. Also available to rent out by the hour!

Board:
Whittensythe Manor: Food catered by Chef Szalinsky from the Sorbonne Culinary Institute

Baltic Apartments: Food dropped off weekly by the U.N. Pact With Humanity 's "Wheat For Blues" Program.

Additional Costs:
Students housing at Whittensythe are encouraged to invest in a pair of skis.
Students at Baltic are encouraged to leave their ski masks at home and invest in birth control.

As ever, there is no financial aid for most students. (some Veterans excepted)

Ohio Electoral believes that it is the individual’s personal responsibility at the age of 18 to have amassed the minimum $112,000 or the equivalent in good credit necessary to attain a degree from one of our four year programs.

By giving aid, we would only be encouraging students and their parents to sit around and let the economy stagnate. With our new “Healthy Wallets” initiative, we are not only stimulating American industry by giving you the opportunity to work two or more jobs, we’re also teaching you a valuable lesson in discipline and learning to live with less, which is important in these trying times.

In fact, to make things more challenging and to ensure that only the very best become O.E.C. alums, we no longer accept Stafford loans, federal grants, or liquid funds of any kind. Ohio Electoral is the first school to run on a Cash-Only system, but in the end you’ll find this works out best as it makes investing your school dollars in high yield off shore hedge funds, Congressional lobbying, and pyramid real estate schemes that much easier.
The more OEC makes, the more comes back to you. (Baltic Apartment students excepted.)

And that's the Ohio Electoral promise!

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE:
"Go ahead and cry."

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*While religion, sexual orientation, and sex have always been grounds for application dismissal, under Statute 310, part of the ruling handed down by the Ohio Lower Appellate Circuit earlier this year, a state of "non-whiteness" in "color and race" may now be considered during the application process.

Chez GuevaraA Revolution in Dining

CHEZ GUEVARA'S MISSION STATEMENT

Here at Chez Guevara, the customer is always right, because our customers are also our employees. And since the workers control the means of production here, if your meal isn't prepared just right or the service is less than satisfactory, you have no one to blame but the proletariat, of which you are a glorious part.

Although we do support and encourage the "unwashed masses" to take up arms against their oppressors, we do abide by state laws requiring employees to wash hands regularly. (T.F.C.C. §523.1.1(a))

We can not legally request that they shower or bathe however. (T.F.C.C. §523.1.1(b))

That is why Chez Guevara is fully stocked with scented candles. And what do those candles smell like, comrades? Why, FREEDOM®, of course. Precious, precious FREEDOM®.*


* Please note that while freedom is not free, neither are FREEDOM® candles, but at only $10 a candle, with all the money you’ll be saving, you’ll be able to launch enough petitions to Congress that you can practically dismantle the machinery of capitalism all by your collective self.

CHEZ GUEVARA MENU

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People's Poultry
A savory free range chicken, braised in the revolutionary fires of the indominatable human spirit and stuffed generously (but not greedily) with a cranberry-lime putinesca. Comes with a side of organically grown downtrodden. $45.00

Malaise-Seared Sturgeon Oppressed in Bouillabaisse
This shockingly resigned-to-its-fate, yet succulent fresh water catch has found itself imprisoned in the creamily comforting yet dangerously dictatorial-to-the-taste-buds bouillabaisse sauce we have purchased from one of the many restaurant chains currently defining the bland, uninventive world of the Culinary-Industrial Complex. The Bouillabaisse Oppressé was created indirectly by the sturgeon’s own lack of participation in local flavor elections and by allowing discrimination of other, less savory flavors. Wolfgang Puck said of this dish, “When the critics came for Chez Guevara’s Crème Brule, I remained silent; I was not a fan of Brule. When they came for their Lentil, I remained silent; I was not a Lentil eater. Then they came for the sturgeon, and by that time no one was left to speak up. Except me—It’s delicious!” $52.00 (comes with fries for some reason)

Guerilla Biftec Flambe
No, it's not a two meat combination dish, but the uprising of flavors created by our state university trained chefs will certainly make you believe you're eating a number of delicious meaty entrees. All of our cows from which our beef is derived are abducted under cover of darkness from the vast, homogeneous ranches of agri-businesses and then forced to march for leagues with our revolutionary staff to our secret culinary headquarters. The cow who arrives at h.q. with the most strength remaining is then chosen for slaughter based on the assumption it must have been lourding extra grazing unfairly from the other cows, who are then freed outright. $68.00

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And don't forget to check out our sister
restaurant for vegetarians, "SALIDARITY"
now open for business.

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How to be Fired from Your Temp Job

ABOVE: where powerful deep emptiness gathers strength.

Hi friends,

Today I was fired. And quite frankly, for good reason. I'm distracted, prone to leaving for auditions and forgetting to mention it to my bosses....what else? Oh yeah, I like checking my email a lot more than I like doing the work I'm being paid to do, and also shaving isn't my favorite thing.

If you are at a temp job that simply can't do without you and which you desperately want to get out of, here's how you can emulate my day-job work ethic and find yourself escaping the surly bonds of employment.

STEP 1: Show up dressed like Matthew Lesko but instead of dollar signs on your suit, have swastikas.

STEP 2: Burn scentesd candles frequently. Make sure the scent is "Decaying Bog Belch."

STEP 3: Molest your employees. Molest the fucking shit out of them.

STEP 4: Brag loudly about your cysts.

STEP 5: Adopt children. Bring them to work. Set them to work. Refer to them in a patronzingly off-handed manner as "modern day coolies."

STEP 6: Pick a cube mate. Engage in trench warfare with him or her. If it's a her, chivalry demands you let her fire the first salvo.

STEP 7: Paint your face in the colors of your high school football team. Talk incessantly about how "#23 is looking good this year, yeah?"

STEP 8: Using high pressure gas tanks and nozzles attached to red dye canisters, rig up a stigmata recreating device. When ready to begin fake bleeding, yell, "Incoming!"

STEP 9: Be personable and interested in your fellow employees. This drives them apeshit.

STEP 10: Blog.

Sean Crespo is currently out of work and available for any employment opportunities involving little to no actual labor with 6 hour lunch breaks, and a very strong YES TO FACIAL HAIR policy.