Corey Pandolph's Discouraging Word

Rotten Apples and the Complexity of Marriage
Corey Pandolph

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Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

I Was a Rock & Roll God: The All-True Story of a Band Called Coach
Francesco Marciuliano

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Drink at Work.com Presents...June 5!

1979 Star Wars Cantina Drunk Driving Public Service Announcement

It says what it is...and it is real.

Today's New York Post Headline

As our dear friend Kate--who pointed out the headline for us--wrote, "I can't imagine what that newsroom is like. I mean, Fox News (which owns The Post) is evil and all that, but you gotta admire the chutzpah."

Yes you do, Kate. Yes you do.

Teenage Girl President Casting Call

Normally we at Drink at Work.com are not in the habit of posting publicity photos of teenage actresses--for all the obvious, unsavory reasons--but the above pic comes from regular reader Yellojkt's outstanding and very well-reasoned article, Teenage Girl President Casting Call (Historians of Drink at Work.com might recall that Yellojkt is the very same author of Ted Forth, My Hero and the big-budget sequel Sally's Hero: Ted Forth, Part Deaux).

Which brings us to our point: We are currently working on a Teenage Girl President series. If you are presently involved in television (but not in a "Why yes, I'm an avid viewer" kind of way), please feel free to contact us. If you are presently involved in somehow duplicating or outright stealing our idea, well, let's just say that either way we at Drink at Work.com are going to make some money.

Side Note: The Medium Large Guy Summer Contest is indeed real. Look-alikes (or even those bearing only the faintest resemblance to our main character) be sure to send in your photos by June 30th, 2006!

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

An Open Letter from MEAT to the Colons of 50-Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West
Sean Crespo

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Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

Sally Forth Story (from 5/22 Drink at Work.com Presents)
Francesco Marciuliano

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"Up the Bangovator! Through the Flicker-Dicker!"

Regular readers of Drink at Work.com know that we love toys. They also know that we love the 70's. Put them together and, well, you have a pretty good idea of what's on every avaliable surface in our office.

That's why it was the equivalent of Kenner manna from heaven when we received the following YouTube video for 70's Toy Commercials, courtesy of our great friend Dan Gezelter (as in "Ol' Man Gezelter," the decade-long Sally Forth background character who I thoughtfully killed off in the strip last month).

It's all here, people! Awaken your inner child with the sound of an SSP Racer ripcord! Bring out your inner Malachi Brother with the wanton detruction of the Smash-Up Derby set! Face your innermost fears with the "Beckett meets Rube Goldberg" 49-minute existential nightmare that is the ad for Bing Bang Boing!

Relive. Remember. Revisit eBay to buy them all over again.

A Conversation Yesterday with Mom

Note: The following conversation has been edited so as not to spoil the fun for loyal viewers of "Lost," both those up-to-date on the series and those who currently have a backlog of episodes on their DVR or TiVo.

Mom: Ces, I have a prediction about what's going to happen in the season finale of Lost...

Ces: Don't say anything, Mom!

Mom: Why not?

Ces: Because every time you say you have a "prediction" about what's going to happen on the show it turns out you either previously read some spoiler in a magazine or you just end up divulging waaaay to much about an epsiode I have yet to see.

Mom: Now that's not true...

Ces: Mom, last week you said you wanted to talk about the show. I said I didn't want to because at that point I was still three episodes behind and didn't want anything revealed prematurely. You said you had no intention of revealing any such information. Then you proceed to tell me (Edit: major character story arc spolier).

Mom: But this is different! It hasn't happened yet. Plus, it's not a fact. It's a prediction.

Ces: Okay, Mom. What is it?

Mom makes a very, very detailed prediction about a certain discovery she believes the characters will make in tonight's epsiode.

Ces: Wow, that's...that's really precise.

Mom: I just have this feeling.

Ces: I mean, that's really precise. And...and there hasn't been any set-up for it at all. How did you even come to that prediction?

Mom: Oh, I read about that part.


Bonus: Plot Leaks from Upcoming Season of "Lost"

Nick Jezarian's Tangential Stupidity

Vino and Apes – A Marriage Made in Hungary?Nick Jezarian

CNN recently posted a Reuters report that Hungarian apes and monkeys, caged at the Budapest Zoo, go through at least 55 liters of red wine a year.

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Corey Pandolph's Discouraging Word

Getting Directions from Folks on the Street
Corey Pandolph

Museum of Art? That’s on Monroe. That’s the last place I saw little Bradley Earnhardt-Mathers’ father alive. Ain’t that right Brad?

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Drink at Work.com Presents...Tonight!

DRINK AT WORK.COM PRESENTS...
A Special Night for You, Our Friend
Monday, May 22nd
8:00 P.M.
Siberia
40th St. at 9th Ave (It's the black door under the red light)
FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comedy and Music by:
Craig Baldo
Becky Donahue
Shayna Ferm
Jack Kukoda
Sean Crespo
Billy McCarthy (of Pela)

Hosted by Your Drink at Work.com Bartenders:
Carol Hartsell and Francesco Marciuliano

Carol Hartsell is Only a Man

The Meaning of Life, By Way of Sally Field and Movies About Terrorists...And Something About My Over-Idealization of Men, Too
Carol Hartsell

It has just occurred to me, just now, not a minute ago, how important, definitive and utterly crucial Sally Field's career has been to my life.

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Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

Ohio Electoral College: Official Student Prospectus
Sean Crespo

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Best News Headline in a Long Time

Trust us.

Drink at Work.com--Because maturity is for Work at Work.com

Better Late Than Never

Quotes from Summer 2006 Movies
Francesco Marciuliano

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How to Attend a Comedy Show
Carol Hartsell

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A Brief Conversation with Dad

From this past weekend, while visiting folks for Mother's Day...

Dad: Who were you talking to on the phone?

Ces: My friend Jeff. He asked if I could help him film a performance for the Hallmark Channel Monday night.

Dad: I don't get it. Why on earth would you ever want to help someone else out?

Pause.

Ces: What?

Dad: Why would you want to help a friend out?

Ces: Be...because he is my friend, Dad. Plus, Jeff's helped me out hundreds of times, with the play, with the comedy shows, with the shorts...

Dad: Well, that makes sense. You got something out of it. But why help him?


Keep in mind, this is the very same man who said not more than two weeks ago...
Dad: Why do you donate your old clothes to Goodwill? Don't you realize someone else is going to wear them?

And who one day will no doubt say...
Dad: Remember, Ces--charity begins at home. So before you donate your blood to the Red Cross ask me if I need it.

Previously on "Conversations with Dad":
Payback: The Other Movie with the Exact Same Title
Death and Family in a New Jersey Diner
Pick-A-Dick
The Pizza Incident
The Visit
The Clock
The Gift of Mel Blanc
Clockwork Orange
The Dentist

Corey Pandolph's Discouraging Word

Confessions of a Bartender
Corey Pandolph

Full Article

Giant Tuesday Night Pilot Taping, Part Two TONIGHT!

Folks, this is a moral imperative. Get your collective butts down to Rififi tonight for part two of the historical taping of the Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game pilot. One day, when the writing staff of GTN is accepting their first Emmy, you will be able to say, "I was there when they taped the pilot...I even tripped over Carol's tripod and ruined the shot, and then she punched me and told me my mother was fat and never wanted me...how, how did she know?! Heady days, heady days."

So come on down and be prepared to laugh, drink, cheer, kiss babies and ensure domestic tranquility. It's going to be a great show as well as a kick ass after party. Don't hate freedom. Love it. Love the shit out of it.

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
8:00pm at Rififi
332 E. 11th St. btw 1st and 2nd Avenues
FREE! (one drink minimum)

For more info on the show check out their podcast as well as this feature on Vidocity.

It's Happening Again!

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

Chez Guevara: A Revolution in Dining
Sean Crespo

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Hide and Creep Tonight!

Just a reminder, kids, that tonight is the Sci-Fi channel world premiere of Hide and Creep, the full-length zombie film that was directed by Chance Shirley and Chuck Hartsell and starring Carol's brothers Chuck and Chris.

It was even chosen as a "top-pick" by TV Guide (that's an actual clipping from the Guide itself up there, folks, none of this Photoshop trickery)

So remember:
Hide and Creep Television Premiere!
Sci Fi Channel
TONIGHT! Thursday, May 11, 7 P.M. (EST)

Special Note: If you live in the Birmingham, AL area--or find yourself there tonight--make sure to watch the film with the cast and crew of Hide and Creep at Base Camp in Southside (20th Street, across from the 5 Points Grille). The party starts at 6 p.m.

Videos You Will Like

Publicist extraordinaire and all-around awesome gal Kambri Crews recently did a reading from her Love Daddy series, which is all about her jailed deaf dad. Here's a clip:




Andres du Bouchet and Jonny Fido present a slightly more urban take on the nature show entitled, The Bengal Tiger: Twilight Huntress:




And finally, from the ridiculously messed up minds of Dan and Sean, we bring you Mustache Rides Are Free:

Nick Jezarian's Tangential Stupidity

Where Can I Find A Field Greens Salad? Why, In A Field, Of Course!
Nick Jezarian

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Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

Craigslist "Roommate Wanted" Ads
Francesco Marciuliano

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Behind-the-Scenes Footage from Upcoming Star Wars "Original Version" First Trilogy DVD Releases

*Wardrobe hot-glues carpet samples to skin of midgets playing Ewoks.

*First Yoda clearly Beaker from Muppet Show.

*Alec Guiness cocks back fist when George Lucas instructs him on finer points of acting.

*Original musical score for Episode IV provided by Parliament/Funkadelic.

*Initial special-effects clip of Death Star sequence leaves studio wondering why paper airplanes are attacking a spray-painted kickball.

For more on the story click here.

Public Overhearsions™

Mother to preschool boy in Central Park:

"Body parts are not to be talked about."

"Here, Under Protest, Is Beef Burgers"

For your listening pleasure, we present the famous outtake of Orson Welles upbraiding a copywriter during the recording of a British TV frozen peas commercial, courtesy of the phenomenal 365 Days Project:

Orson Welles Finds Fault with Pea Copy

Special Note: The line quoted in this post's title is not even remotely the most intriguing statement dear Orson makes during this recording. That happens at about the midway point and it is, in a word, startling.

Educational Note: For your personal edification, a Wikipedia article on this very outtake.

Obscure Note: Fans of the great Pinky and the Brain cartoon may recall the episode "Yes, Always," in which the frozen peas outtake was reenacted almost word for word, much to the great confusion of all but perhaps six viewers (the show's writers affectionately referred to it as "a $250,000 inside joke").

Updated Note: The aforementioned Pinky and the Brain cartoon Yes, Always, thanks to a heads-up by Meep.

There's a Lady Who's Sure, There's a Sign on the Wall, There's a Songbird Who Sings, There's a Fat Guy Eating a Sandwich, There's a Sale at Daffy's...

Finally, every single goddamn cover version you could ever want of that goddamn song that's always number one in every goddamn "classic rock" station's "Labor Day Top 500 Countdown," Stairway to Heaven--courtesy of the truly essential WFMU's Beware of the Blog.

And just to give you a hint of the hell that awaits you, here is Pat Boone's take.

Thanks yet again to our great buddy Drew.

Carol Hartsell Is Only a Man

Death, Kissing and Summer
Carol Hartsell

I'm pretty sure my seventh grade boyfriend was an albino. He had almost white blonde hair, really pale skin and pale blue eyes. He wore a tux t-shirt to the 8th grade banquet (instead of a real tux rented from Mr. Burch or Tant & Tant) and he died in a car accident with his grandfather when we were in 10th grade. I hadn't spoken to him in a couple of years. We weren't friendly after the break-up and he was a strange dude besides. He was sweet and attractive but seemed unusually tortured for a 13-year-old.

Full Article

Office Overhearsions™

A Magazine Editor:

"Look, I told you, it's always one step forward two steps back, so at least we're moving in the right direction."

Overheard at Cinco de Mayo Celebrations across the U.S.

"This...this is my tenth margarita...twelfth is you count the other two."

"Just think, right now, all across Mexico, families are celebrating with the same Nacho Supreme platters, jalepeno poppers and bottomless mojitos as us. Small world, huh?"

"I'm not Mexican yet I get shitfaced on Cinco de Mayo. I'm not Irish yet I get shitfaced on St. Patrick's Day. I am, however, Catholic, so it's okay that I get shitfaced on Christmas. And Easter. And Lent."

"Did you know that Cinco de Mayo isn't a celebration of Mexico's independence? And I thought they were their own country."

"Imagine if the government actually passed that anti-immigration law. Who would be serving us now? Us? Please..."

"Okay, one more round of shots and then it's back to work. After all, this tracheotomy isn't going to perform itself."

"You know, Tony Montana in Scarface was Mexican...or Cuban...or Puerto Rican...Definitely Latin...definitely..."

"What do you mean Cipolte's doesn't sell Coronas?!...Goddamn wannabes..."

"I'm just saying if we don't do something now, as a group, then it might be too late. We have to stop them because no one else will! No one else can. Not now...We have to take control!...We need the biggest guys...You in?...You?...You?...And we need weapons. Whatever you got. Forks, knives, hot water, anything...Okay, are we ready?...Are we ready?...Okay then. Time to put an end to that mariachi band...Let's roll."

"You know what would really say 'Cinco de Mayo'? Taco singing Puttin' on the Ritz."

Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire

How to be Fired from Your Temp Job
Sean Crespo

Hi friends,

Today I was fired. And quite frankly, for good reason. I'm distracted, prone to leaving for auditions and forgetting to mention it to my bosses....what else? Oh yeah, I like checking my email a lot more than I like doing the work I'm being paid to do, and also shaving isn't my favorite thing.

Full Article

Amsterdam...but Without the Dutch

Mexico Relaxes Drug Laws
Users Celebrate, Forget Where They Parked

MEXICO CITY—Mexico’s Congress officially passed a law that would decriminalize the possession of small amounts of illegal drugs, keeping the use of such drugs theoretically against the law but no longer "getting all up in your face about it," according to Chief of Federal Police Eduardo Medina Mora, who issued the decree shortly after self-administering Visine Clear Eye drops.

Following the recommendations of a congressional committee that a more-tolerant drug policy would gain greater credibility among the ever hard-to-please youth, the government unveiled its "Don't Cash the Bowl, Man" campaign to thunderous "woahs."

The campaign—funded by the occasional temp job, a few local band gigs and some money a proponent's dad gave him to buy resume paper—hopes to send a credible message about drug abuse. Exactly how it plans to do so remains a mystery, however, since most of the campaign appears to have been written in one sitting, with a crayon, on the back of two veggie burrito menus, a free weekly newspaper and a fistful of EZ rolling papers and "Earn Big Bucks Stuffing Envelopes" handouts.

Officials from the U.S. State Department and White House’s drug control office were quick to express their grave reservations about the law, citing that Mexico would almost certainly experience the same dreadful social consequences England faced three years ago when Parliament relaxed marijuana laws.

"No one ever remembered to return a phone call in Britain," said Tom Riley, a spokesman for the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy. "Neighbors went on and on about how beautiful some stupid moth they saw three weeks ago was. Television viewers thought the characters on 'Coronation Street' are actually watching them instead. And just try to find an unopened bag of crisps in that country."

U.S. officials also fear that any move toward decriminalization would make Mexico a veritable haven for drug tourism, especially visiting U.S. college students. Mexico’s President Vicente Fox was quick to disagree.

“American undergraduates come to Mexico on spring break for three reasons,” stated Mr. Fox. “To immerse themselves in Mayan history, to get a firsthand look at our growing technology and outsourcing industries and to pay their respects to Our Lady of Guadalupe.”

Mr. Medina Mora also stressed that the new policy was not tantamount to an official condonation of excessive drug use, stating, "In fact, the whole point of the policy is to educate students and users alike that moderation is the key. We're talking slices here, not whole pies. For example, imagine if the world were a pizza. Uh...I mean, if you were the pizza...No, no...umm...the world! The world is definitely a pizza! Is that freakin' awesome or what?!" The Chief of Federal Police then became fascinated with the dirt under his fingernails.

In other developments, Tijuana and Ciudad Juárez both experienced a remarkable 12,000% increase in revenues since the law passed, although officials from the two cities attributed the economic boost to their new aquariums and sale of lacquered goods.—DAW.com Newswire

Corey Pandolph's Discouraging Word

Short Story, Part IV
Corey Pandolph

Fisher stared into the broken bathroom mirror as he wiped the spit from his eyes. The Baldwin boys had pinned him on his way in. They took turns spitting on his face and called him a SCOF– Sub-Class Overachieving Freak.

Full Article

Upcoming Small-Town Newspaper Headlines

Ice Cream Man Abandons Truck, Dreams

Local Church Looks to God for Answers

When Push Came to Shove, Elderly Man Lost Footing

Well, Well, Look Who Got Himself a Toro

Much Needed Rain Mixes Things Up

New Mascot Recalls School's Racist, Anti-Semitic Past

Readers Express Sadness over Despondency

Who Let the Dogs Out?: Bites, Maulings Way Up

Lottery to Solve All

Mom Inspires Orphans to "Create" Family Trees

Quilting Spelling Bee Seeks Glory on All Fronts

Town Officials Not Having Any of It

High School Valedictorian Ready to Leave

Developer Turns Attention to Real Estate

Out with the Old: Veterans' Day Parade Happens

Now in Local News...

Jacob Goff’s wish is parked in his driveway.

It’s a red 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, tricked out with new wheels, roof rack, bumper and a winch that looks capable of uprooting tree trunks.

It was just an ordinary Jeep until recently. It took a cancer diagnosis to transform his ride.

‘Pimped’ Jeep Is a Wish Come True for Cancer Survivor
The Fayetteville Observor, NC

Alternative Headlines for Above Report:
"Horrible Illness Leads to Sick Wheels"
"Mom, Dad Pushed for Home Makeover Instead"
"Boy, Jeep on the Mends"
"The Spoils of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma"
"Make-A-Wish Foundation Poorly Managed"

Other Teenager Requests to Make-A-Wish Foundation

Francesco Marciuliano's Eye Opener

How to Tell if Your Child Is Socially Awkward or Mentally Deficient
Francesco Marciuliano

Full Article

"I consider myself a nerd. And this movie has uplifted me."

They're remaking Revenge of the Nerds.

Please postulate what that mind end up looking like in our comments section. Thanks!