Suggested Scenes for the New Superman movie

Superman sinks into a deep depression after repeatedly hearing the comment, “Sure he can stop a runaway train no problem, but where was he on 9/11?”

Things fall to pieces when Superman neglects to stop a meteor headed for Earth because he’s tied up in a promotional meeting with Bono to develop the new iPod Vertigo Krypton (loaded with a Superman/U2 duet of Where the Streets Have No Name).

Skeptics are kept at bay when the magic of CGI actually shows Clark and Superman in the same Starbucks, at the same time, having the same frappacinos and sharing a lemon scone.

In the span of 45 seconds, the Man of Steel has an affair with each of the Desperate Housewives while simultaneously saving everyone from the island in Lost.

Clark has to take on some freelance writing assignments when he’s told that Superman never makes any money saving the world from Solomon Grundy.

The super villain, “Pharmitor” locks the son of Krypton into a binding contract to publicly endorse Levitra, putting him in direct violation of the Justice League's “No pimping product” policy. Bureaucratic legal carnage ensues…

People of Earth shun the Man of Steel when it’s found that not only are Arctic birds a delicacy to Kryptonians but the Fortress of Solitude’s fridge is also filled with the cast of March of the Penguins.

Five minutes into the movie Clark gets contact lenses, immediately followed by two torturous hours of his descent into schizophrenic madness.

Once again through the magic of CGI, a diner scene ifeatures a wheel-chaired Christopher Reeve as Clark and Lois’ waiter while Gene Hackman serves as the scheming maitre d'.

Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil join forces to crush Superman with judgmental advice, mind-numbing catch phrases and huge piles of ill-gotten cash.

Lois and Clark kiss, followed by Jimmy and Lois, then Perry White and Lois and then finally Jimmy, Clark and Perry in Cinema’s first mere mortal-Superhero alter-ego-mere mortal kiss.

Superman once again flies around the earth backwards, returns time to the year 1999, challenges Bush in the Presidential election and wins. Poverty, war, famine and kryptonite are abolished. A year later, Earth explodes when the sun turns red giant.

Others and the Idiots they are

This week, A Discouraging Word comes to you from the shores of Hilton Head Island, SC, where Hot Wife and I are on a mini-vacation at her parents’ time-share. It’s hot, sunny and by the grace of God, there’s an outdoor bar within walking distance.

In our 1 1/2 days here, I’ve started to notice others. By their Hawaiian print golf shirts, khaki shorts and pasty white complexion, I can only deduce that they, too, are on vacation. I’ve also noticed others being complete idiots on several occasions. They are clearly on holiday, so why the total lack of regard for the human race? Why the complete and utter loss of fashion sense? Is part of going on vacation in America to leave all cognitive thought on the kitchen counter?

Other man: “Honey, where’s my brain?”

Other woman: “I don’t know dear… what does it look like?”

Other man: “Well, it’s… I… I’m not sure…”

Other woman: “It’ll turn up, dear. Let’s go pay $28.95 for lobster and complain we don’t get enough bread…”

Other man: “Yes let’s…”

Every 5 seconds, this conversation happens somewhere in America.

If you’ve been lucky enough to read my other columns, you’ve figured out I’m not a big fan of others. It’s bizarre really… My very career choice hinges on how others perceive me and my work, yet I could be very content if the earth’s population consisted of a few close friends, my wife, plenty of dogs and the occasional hot-chick passer by. All the others just plain annoy me.

I don’t even need to have contact with others to get annoyed. Just yesterday, on the crammed flight down here, another woman, two rows up from me was reading the ingredients and nutritional information on her BOTTLED WATER. It wasn’t a passing glance, either. This was some intense studying going on in 29D. I wanted to stand up and ask, “Are you on some sort of diet that counts zeros, ma’am?” What could she possibly be looking for in her exploration of nothing? Was there some sort of silent sigh of relief? Was she all, “ Ingredients: pure spring water...whew no penicillin… Dodged a bullet there, I’m allergic to penicillin.” When she reached the bottom of the label was her thought, “Bottled in Maine… hmm… maybe I’ll have lobster when I land… I’ll need to ask for extra bread, though…those young waiters never give you enough bread…”

IT”S WATER, LADY! You drink it, you pee. End of story.

The worst place to deal with others is at the bar. This most sacred of places for me can be ruined in seconds by another’s lunacy. Like I said, the Gods gave us an outdoor bar within stumbling distance of where we’re staying. Yesterday, after some intense window shopping in the hot sun, we plopped into a couple of wobbly, wicker chairs at the bar and sipped on some moderately priced frozen cocktails. The bar’s in the middle of a crowded outdoor café, looking at out at the harbor so, Hot Wife and I turned with our drinks to gaze past the sea of Hilton Head T-shirt clad others and enjoy the water views.

Then… The idiot.

A red-faced southern man, drunk and with a good amount of inertia, plows into a nearby trash can and then between Hot Wife and I. He nearly spills our drinks and knocks our basket of Hush Puppies to the ground. No apology, not even the slightest glance of regard for our space. With a mutual eye roll, Hot Wife and I reluctantly move our chairs to the right of the train wreck. The good ol’ boy finally gets the attention of our young barkeep:

Idiot: “Hey…boy!”

Barkeep: “Yes sir, what can I get for you?”

Idiot: “My wife… and my daughter.. well they went and they ordered yer clams…”

Barkeep: “Okay…”

Idiot: “Well, they’re all dried up! Damn near inedible. Now… Now…I’m a very wealthy individual, and I bring quite a lot of cash to this here island…”

Barkeep: “…”

Idiot: “I want to know how you intend to fix the problem of my lovely wife and daughter’s dried clams…”

A laugh ripples through the bar, the idiot looks up with a confused, angry and non-focused face. After a much too long look at everyone staring at him, he turns back to the now grinning employee:

Idiot: “Something funny, boy?”

Barkeep: “No sir, not at all…”

By this point, idiot seemed to have forgotten his wife and daughters’ “problem”, so the bartender quickly pulled three tropical daquiries, that he was making for someone else, handed it to the man and with one statement, “On the house, sir…” the idiot stumbled back to his table in the sun. He spilled two of the comped drinks on his way.

Sadly, the story doesn’t end there. After about a half an hour, after everyone ended their whispering and laughing about the idiot, he came back. This time, he had wife and daughter in tow. The wife was also clearly soused and the daughter, visibly embarrassed. They had paid their check and were on the way out. The wife pushed herself up onto the bar, making her large chest quite visible to all and slurred one thing, sort of in the general direction of the staff: “My daquiries were watered down and my clams very dry.” Without hesitation, an equally drunk idiot patron with a red sox hat and shirtless beer belly blurts out, “Sounds like a personal problem.” There was another group laugh and the drunk family Robinson stormed off into the fray.

My reaction to these incidents always intrigue me. I always want to side with the help. In fact, I try to distance myself from others at the bar, as if to say, “I’m not with these people… I’m with you, the cool, persecuted local. Let’s be friends.” Maybe this comes from my years of working in the service industry. Somehow, I think I can relate. Or, maybe it’s the fact that I get so annoyed with same others that the employees seem annoyed with, I want be in the cool, not annoying crowd.

That’s really all this comes down to, I guess. I want to be in the cool crowd. I want to be the rock star, the guy everyone wonders who that is hanging with the employees. When in fact, I’M really just that other idiot that gets made fun of.

Technical Support for Today's Young, Pretty, Self-Involved Metrosexual

You’re young and hip and on-the-go in the city. You've got a new job and the latest laptop, you network the ladies, you email your cronies, you IM your Mom and Google your name 107 times a day. Sadly, however, your slick tech life is not without it’s uncool speed bumps. There are files that won’t parse, routers to locate and HTML and XML gobbledy-gook that should only concern the crotchety thirty-somethings who make the technology.

Luckily, The Apple Computer Company, partnered with VH1’s Pop-up Video franchise and Cargo Magazine, have recently developed helper software for today’s young, self-important metrosexual. The process is simple. Each time some meaningless technical jargon like, "Unable to recognize hard drive" appears, the hip user merely clicks on the "iPod™ iTunes™ Cargo Magazine™ VH1 Pop-up Video™ Assistance for the Tragically Hip" — or IICMVPVAFTTH™ — button and is then guided through a series of steps that not only identify the problem, but also ensure maximum hipness during the troubleshooting process.

Let’s run through a sample problem and solution:

Problem: You’d like to use Starbuck’s wireless Internet, but your Apple Airport™ cannot locate the WiFi router.

In the past, your solution may have been: Play it cool and pretend you’re busily surfing the web by frantically typing nothing and giving the screen a pensive, concerned, yet sexy look. While effective, this method lacks the dynamic facade that today's hipster must maintain.

Now, with the new IICMVPVAFTTH™ button, the user is assisted in performing simple tasks that will help get him/her back to their undeniably cutting edge lifestyle: First, a screen appears featuring a celebrity font by Gwen Stefani and a music montage by The Black Eyed Peas. After a brief 8 page sign-up, salary check and credit card entry prompt, the user is given several options:

1. Purchase an Apple iPod Video™ or iPod Nano™


2. Subscribe to Cargo or Lucky Magazine


3. Purchase a Starbuck’s gift card


4. Get help with your wireless connection


5. Choose all of the above

After selecting #5 and agreeing to a short, two-page terms and restrictions agreement, the submit button is clicked. An additional screen appears asking if you are sure you want to continue and if you’d like to add the latest Motorola RAZR phone to your shopping cart. After clicking the “yes” button, a series of solutions appears for your problem:

1. Play it cool and pretend you’re busily surfing the web by frantically typing nothing and giving the screen a pensive, concerned, yet sexy look. Prada wire rim glasses are always a great accessory in this instance. (The Prada logo is highlighted so when clicked, you are brought to a separate order screen)


2. Open your System Preferences and click on the internet icon. Choose the connection tab and check the status of your POP and DCHP client and be sure that the proxy server tab is set to “none”. Click “done” and open the Airport connection software. Click “Connect to an existing Airport network” and follow the prompts. Open your Firefox™ browser and begin shopping the web. (Note: on newer versions of IICMVPVAFTTH™ assistance software, this choice is not available, as focus groups showed it only chosen once.


3. Get up from your computer, remember that you’re a young, hip metrosexual and ask someone over 30 for help. Be sure your choice isn’t dressed in Abercrombie or has hair with highlights and obviously too much product. This person thinks they’re young and hip, when in fact, they’re really just sad relics with last year’s iPod, a Subaru Forrester and a mortgage. Ick.


4. Pull out your old Motorola RAZR phone, call several friends to brag about your new RAZR on order and verify the whereabouts of tonight’s party. Dish on the rumor that the bassist from Maroon 5 will be there and that he slept with your sister before he was famous.


5. If you have forgotten your computer issue, type “I forgot” in the field below. IICMVPVAFTTH™ software will scan you computer for issues and offer options for a fix. IICMVPVAFTTH™ will also scan for your latest downloads from iTunes and suggest additional downloads based on genres in your library.

It’s a hip colorful world out there, Rock Star. Always remember to keep up appearances, buy the right clothes and the latest iPod. With a little luck and help from IICMVPVAFTTH™, you will be the envy of all beautiful people.