Disturbing items I am going to plant in my backpack to get back at the security guard who KNOWS I work at this federal building...
...yet asks me every F'ing day if I have an Alan Key in there and detains me an extra hour searching my bag
1. a jar of human balls.
2. 8 hundred million paper clips.
3. old school porridge (hot) with raisins and hummels floating in it.
4. the cast of RENT.
5. a jar of human balls with an attached sign reading "This is a stick up. Place your balls in the jar and no one gets hurt." (note: leave room for at least 3 balls in jar in case guard possesses excessive nuttage)
6. several well worn copies of People magazine where each article regarding Ethan Suplee has had its accompanying photo cut out (with children's scissors!) and replaced with photos of my security guard at his own home, taken from angles that could only have come from within his bathtub.
7. an autographed copy of Thomas the Tank Engine...autographed by Thomas himself!
8. horse pornography.
9. the 2003 Stanley Cup, covered in blood, a hockey glove out of which an ulna juts angrily death-gripping the rim. While being searched further, I then casually mention what a big hockey fan I am.
and finally...
10. a test tube from the lab of the ethically dubious scientists who created my security guard as part of their How Close to Retarded Can We Make People Genome Project.
1. a jar of human balls.
2. 8 hundred million paper clips.
3. old school porridge (hot) with raisins and hummels floating in it.
4. the cast of RENT.
5. a jar of human balls with an attached sign reading "This is a stick up. Place your balls in the jar and no one gets hurt." (note: leave room for at least 3 balls in jar in case guard possesses excessive nuttage)
6. several well worn copies of People magazine where each article regarding Ethan Suplee has had its accompanying photo cut out (with children's scissors!) and replaced with photos of my security guard at his own home, taken from angles that could only have come from within his bathtub.
7. an autographed copy of Thomas the Tank Engine...autographed by Thomas himself!
8. horse pornography.
9. the 2003 Stanley Cup, covered in blood, a hockey glove out of which an ulna juts angrily death-gripping the rim. While being searched further, I then casually mention what a big hockey fan I am.
and finally...
10. a test tube from the lab of the ethically dubious scientists who created my security guard as part of their How Close to Retarded Can We Make People Genome Project.
posted by The Crespo at 1:42 PM
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