Take Ye Heed, Watch and Pray:
For Elmo Is Upon Us
"It's the best-kept secret in toyland. On Sept. 19, Mattel Inc. will debut the latest version of its popular Elmo toy. In the past, the furry red "Sesame Street" character has giggled when tickled, danced the hokey pokey, and performed the limbo in a Hawaiian shirt. This year, however, Mattel is refusing to reveal Elmo's latest trick. To build buzz for the toy's 10-year anniversary, retailers won't receive boxes of the new $40 Elmos until the night before they go on sale. Some stores have even installed countdown calendars, tearing off the days until T.M.X. Elmo is unveiled on 'Good Morning America."
Yes, Elmo. It's been a full decade since Tickle Me Elmo was first introduced with the retail equivalent of "shock and awe," resulting in utter chaos, screaming families and costs that far exceeded official estimates. Now in celebration of its tenth birthday--and as a crucial salve to a financially wounded Mattel--the 2006 Elmo is being treated with all the ritual and hand-wringing usually reserved for a new pope or original Star Wars DVD release.
But still the queasy uncertainty remains--what will "T.M.X. Elmo" have to offer us, a nation in dire need of cultural salvation, public hope or at least one purchase item that doesn't result in widespread E.coli? Mattel isn't saying but thanks to some boardroom spying techniques I picked up at a Hewlett-Packard executive seminar I was able to narrow down the possible "upgrade" to the following options. Question is, which do you think is most likely?
That Guy from High School You Can't Believe Is Still Hanging Out at the Same Bar You Hung Out in High School Elmo
Begins every playtime with "Well, well, well, Look who decided to deign us with his presence...The Deigner." Then launches into shared memories you're pretty sure you had no role in, updates about classmates you couldn't identify now with dental records and remarks about how the town has gone to hell because of certain people who moved in that certainly have every right to move in but really would be happier moving somewhere else, he's just saying.
Maternal Elmo
Looks at you in total silence for upwards of five minutes, smiling or just shaking its head, until you eventually say. "What?....What?! What?!" only for it to reply sweetly "I was just looking at you," followed five minutes later with "Well, since you asked..." Tends to read the newspaper out loud, every so often saying, "My, my" to no one in particular. Thinks you're either too thin or too fat and probably depressed although God knows you wouldn't tell it if you were, which is a shame because all it ever wanted was for you to be happy. Has become fascinated with a new pet.
Deep, Deep, Deep in the Closet Elmo...Maybe...
Never says a word. Comes complete with a fellow Muppet that stands at a distance, looking at Elmo and saying discreetly to playmate, "Who's he kidding?...I mean, seriously, who's he kidding?...He's got to be kidding, right? Am I wrong about this? Because if I am then I am and it doesn't even really matter but...c'mon!... Yes, I know he's married. But so was Peter Allen...Peter Allen...You know, cabaret-style singer...Was married to Liza Minelli...Starred in the musical Legs Diamond...What do you mean only a gay guy would know that?! It was on Broadway!...No, not for a long time but there were a lot of commercials for it...Hugh Jackman even played him on The Great White Way...What the hell's wrong with the phrase 'The Great White Way'?! ...Hey, I have a girlfriend! Two if I follow-up on some leads...You wanna arm wrestle?! Huh?! Is that it?! You wanna arm wrestle?! 'Cause I will! ...No, that's not an excuse to touch you! Jesus! You know what? You know what? Just forget it...Forget it...Forget the whole thing...He's probably straight anyway...Men...We're all just a bunch of typical men..."
Post 9-11 Newly Conservative Elmo
Press it's stomach to hear, "Trust me, I still want only the best for poor people, minorities and what have you. Honest, I do. But there are just bigger concerns right now than making sure one's fellow man is alive and well. Like making sure they're safe and free. Because freedom is what it's really all about. The freedom to stand together as one. With other Christians. Because this is a Christain nation, no matter what they Jew down the block claims or whatever that ACLU lawyer who's always going on and on about some welfare cheat's rights has to open his goddamn mouth about. After all, you heard what Dennis Miller had to say about this. Trust me, in the end you know I'm right."
