Diary of a Superhero

Monday
Tried to thump a melon for freshness in the market. Shattered a casaba. Proceeded to do same with grapefruit, tomato, bag of Fritos and three pounds of pork tenderloins. Mind clearly elsewhere. Apologized to store manger only to hear "It's you, isn't it? It's really you!" Shoppers began to crowd. Only then did I realize that in haste to complete errands I left the apartment without my fake eyeglasses. By evening news everyone knew that I shop at the Food Emporium on 82nd and Third. Momentarily considered reversing Earth's rotation to erase incident but I've done that so often lately I'm not even sure what month it is anymore.


Tuesday
When coworker asked where I went to lunch today I accidentally blurted out "Istanbul." She laughed it off as a joke despite numerous Turkish-labeled food items on my desk (for newspaper reporters, no one here is particularly perceptive). Then went to make duplicates of some old columns. Woke up two hours later in copy room, drooling and unable to lift my limbs. Great, I can be felled by Xerox machines. This on top of Kryptonite, red sunrays and certain dairy products (plus I've had noticeable difficulty digesting raw vegetables recently).

Coworkers gathered after work at Pig and Whistle for drinks. Really wanted to go but what's-his-face, the guy with the name I can never pronounce, was holding City Hall hostage again, so I begged off.

No wonder I don't have any friends at work.


Wednesday
Got up this morning to find crocus dead on bedroom windowsill. Initial autopsy revealed complete neglect played a role. Tried to revive plant through touch but then remembered, I’m not E.T.

Later usual dry cleaner commented I wear my "Halloween costume" a little more than what would be considered seemly, especially since it's only August. Tried to convince him it's for a community theater production but he made what I could only assume was a derisive comment in Korean.

Mental note: Ignore his cries for help next time.


Thursday
Late for work again due to early morning scuffle with "The Glock," who proved to be nothing more than a recently laid-off publishing executive with a German pistol and issues. Bullets bounced off chest with ease but still have severe migraine from those that ricocheted off head. Editor-in-Chief chewed me out for tardiness and reassigned me to paper’s “Home and Garden” section, thereby defeating whole point of reporter job since few crimes occur at Macy's “Flower Extravaganza.”

Returned to desk. No voice mail from commissioner. No late-breaking calamities on the news. Just a YouTube link forwarded from another reporter to everyone on staff (I really don’t get the popularity of “Brookers”).


Friday
Investigative feature on "Aggressive Milkweeds" interrupted by appearance of "The Perennial," a master villain who attacks Botanical Gardens once a year if conditions are right. Turned out he's retired, currently living in Boca and looking for a partner to help run his bait shop. Handed editor my resignation and left city just ahead of fireball attack by Green Goblin, who really isn't under my jurisdiction anyway.